Sensitive

Sensitive

It is the time between night and morning when the time references a.m. but everyone is sleeping.  Sometimes it is my brain full of thoughts that wakes me in this time of night.  Other times it could be a multitude of reasons.  Tonight it is the drastic change in my environment that no matter what stage of sleep I am in I can be pulled into reality before the blades stop spinning.  Yes, I am speaking of the fan aimed at my bed that is on at all times.  I have replaced them over the years because I literally use them until the motors stop spinning.  It is the moments like this that make me realize that I am a sensitive person.  I need things to overstimulate myself so I can relax which just sounds like the opposite but that is the point.  If I overstimulate what I hear I can then drown out the thoughts and other senses to actually sleep.

When the room goes quiet I hear everything and then my brain begins pinpointing where it all is.  I hear the blood rushing to the rhythm of my heartbeat in my ears, wind rustling trees outside my window, the furnace adjusting preparing to kick on, then the air rushing through the vents, the vehicle engine on the other side of the golf course, the dog barking in the distance, the pillow fibers adjust to my heads position upon the slightest movement, and even the creak of the floor boards as the heat moves through the house.

My eyes may be shut but I see the variation of light when my blanket unblocks the lights of the modem, the sudden change when someone turns on any light in the house as it adjusts the darkness of my room and daylight as the sun rises.

My sense of feeling is the difference between constant annoyance or ability to think beyond it.  I sleep warm but am a blanket girl.  My room is cold so I can sleep with a blanket but fabric matters.  If the fibers are too ridged, scratchy or woven too tight that is suffocating. It needs to be breathable, soft, but also weighted enough to allow a sense of security.  I am also the type that has to cut every tag out of clothes, and when I find something I like I stick with it until I have no choice but to replace it.  

Smells are a direct link to nausea.  Perfumes are overwhelming.  I do not smell a combination of fragrances as a collective but as an overwhelming amount of unique individual scents.  The girls spray a mist and it feels like roses are arguing with vanilla and other floral scents.  It makes me nauseous.  I cannot walk into candle, scent aisles without my brain becoming overwhelmed.  I love the smell of clean like bleach (chlorine pools), lemon, classic Mr Clean, original blue Dawn dish soap, and original Pine Sol.  Other simple smells like actual wood not artifical wood scent are a comfort.  Oak saw dust, actual cedar lining in the hope chest, wood stain, and even polyurethane only because it reminds me of my Grandpa. 

Tastes are something new as it wasn't until following Medical Weight Loss Clinic diet in 2012 with no salt that I could actually taste the true differences in food.  I used to taste tomato as acid and now can taste the sweet it has.  Due to my own uncontrollable bad behavior which was words that should not have spoken I have issues with spicy hot items like hot sauce.  I do understand when people say things are too sweet or too rich when I never could distinguish the differences before.  I prefer more fresh items than fast food.  I do have issues though as I can distract my sense of taste with my other senses and actually not eat.  If I am hungry I can watch Food Network and no longer feel the need to eat.  I can look in the fridge and pantry then go do something else so I trick my senses into thinking I gave it what it needed.

There is another sense I have that I am sensitive to and do not discuss.  I am very aware of my environment and people around me.  I am extremely empathetic and can almost feel what they are feeling.  I used this sense a lot in nursing school and refer to it often is mind over matter.  When cleaning up a patient I shut down my sense of smell and focus on the person and how they are feeling.  They do not need me to gag and make them feel less than because they are at a stage in life they cannot take care of themselves.  I kicked out classmates who could not hold it together for the sake of the patient.  

I have a thought and message someone only to find out they were thinking about the same thing at that moment.  My nieces say that I read their minds as they walk in my office and all they say is, "Auntie Trina" and I answer their question without them even asking it as if I am in their brain.  I tend to know people on a different level that even I do not understand.  I am not trying to I just do.  I do not know how to put myself first because I am so aware of my surroundings and adjust accordingly.  I cannot be ridged because others require flexibility.  I grew up this way.

My older sister's moods could change in a blink and I had to prepared to be laughing with her one minute and her yelling hate at me the next.  It is like our weather in Michigan.  I have to scrape ice off the windshield in the morning with the heater on full blast to take the kids to school and when I pick them up I could need to wear shorts and have the windows down so the car isn't too hot.    Anything can happen and for someone who thrives on structure and routine it is preparing for flexibility that feel I must do.  I have to plan for each extreme and know that it will cover everything in the middle.

I am aware of how I impact everything but then again it is my own issues that cause me to do it.  My liver would fail sooner if I were to drink alcohol and smoke.  If I opt not to it will allow my liver to last longer and not fail sooner the necessary.  I know my actions and decisions have a direct effect on the longevity of my liver functionality.  So I choose accordingly.  Some think my choices are because I am against the action or I have a sense of superiority because I choose to not do it.  That is when I realize those do not have empathy as I do.  My decision is based on life or death (especially if I am unable to have a matched donor in the event it fails).  Being aware that death is the alternative to every decision since I was 20 years old changes you.  

I want to have a huge frozen strawberry daiquiri and not be fully aware of the world around me.  To lose control or have just a foggy sense of self where my brain can't focus on all the things around me keeping me on high alert.  I am beyond jealous of those who get to escape reality even for a moment because I can never escape it without cause true harm to my life expectancy.  I have a ticking time bomb and I could turn yellow tomorrow.  That is my reality every moment of every day.

I am sensitive meaning I am aware of everything all of the time even during sleep.  How else can you explain waking up before the fan blades stop spinning to know the fan is broken?  I wish I could relax but I cannot because I am a responsible person taking care of myself and the kids.  I do not get to be anything but alert, aware, on time, on schedule, and prepared.

I wish I could have those moments where I can just be allowed to free think, have someone else think for me, or just have those moments of venting where I am not told what I could or should do with the expectation that I will do.  

"I do not ask the wounded person how they feel.  I myself become the wounded person." ~ Walt Whitman

Amaysing Thoughts