I Tried.

I have trauma even though no one considers me a victim.

Sit with an attorney who keeps emphasizing protecting money for girls and maybe it should be put into a conservatorship from the sale of the house.  Excuse me but I understand the funds are for benefit of girls.  

After his multiple references to how the funds needed to be managed I snapped back.  "Well, the 16 yr old has a goal of M.I.T. so would you consider me using the funds to get her to M.I.T. in her benefit?"  

He pointed at his stack of paperwork and said with questioning look, "M.I.T.? One of these girls?"  

Yes, this is when I snapped, yet again.  "Yes, she is one of the top in her class, taking 4 AP courses and 2 Honors courses. She wants M.I.T. or Kettering.  The 11 year old is in 6th grade with a high school reading and comprehension level.  Both girls test well above their peers and my sole focus is to not let this situation (pointing at his stack of paperwork) define who they are." 

He just blinked stunned and said, "I didnt know that."  I responded, "You never asked either, no one asks you all just assume and make determinations on who we are based on his choice to poison my sister with heroine."

I ask about garnishing his prison wages.  If is exceeds $50 it can be garnished up to 50%.  Mind you he still has full parental rights that were never terminated and other prisoners are garnished for child support.  To me, he is not only not supporting his kids he also has a 2 million dollar settlement that is being ignored and determined uncollectible. 

Attorney, "It isn't worth it.  How much does he get anyway?"

The arrogance and dismissive demeanor is undeniable.  My response, "I understand, I will have to let it go because no one wants to do the right thing.  I just had to tell the girls all of their belongings from the house they last were in the day he was arrested in 2019 are in some dumpster somewhere.  They have nothing.  I will have a senior next year who has nothing to show for elementary school and the only thing she has is what she has since she came back to me because he cut me off for 2 years.  He killed their mother to avoid child support and get the life insurance.  So why garnish wages to make him pay when he can just keep his money and not be reminded where it would really hurt him that what he did was wrong."

I cried and hyperventilate in the parking lot after meeting.  I failed but not for lack of trying.  I cannot make people do the right thing.  They will also judge me however they wish.  

My sister was killed with heroine.  She did not take it.  We are not a family that knows of drugs.  We have stumbled our way through this whole process because anyone who knows the process isn't talking to us.

The attorney said, "Well, that is why I contacted you." I had to correct him.  "No, I found you, I called you, you didn't even know who I was." When I passed him the guardianship papers,  he said surprised, "These are 2 years old. You have had them for 2 years?"  My response, "Yes, I have." His blanket response to anything was, "I didn't know that." And I always responded, "No one asked either."

He will never be garnished, shame on Estate attorneys for not doing what is in best interest of the Estate which is what they took their $5,000 fee from the proceeds and giving the girls the balance from the house.  

It is shame on them yet I feel it is shame on me.  I let him get to me.  I let my brother in law get to me.  I failed sister, my dad, my mom, my little sister and the girls.  He should be garnished.  I don't make enough to fight and get a new attorney appointed.  I know what is right but my hands are tied.  I don't want to let it go because deep down it is to me letting my brother-in-law off the hook for his actions.

The girls belongings are gone, my sister's belongings are gone, he spent the life insurance, he was free for 5 years after murder, he went into state prison with 1 tattoo and now has a sleeve, and this just feels like he is not having to be accountable.  He doesn't struggle to pay rent, other bills, have to wonder when he gets next meal, or how to afford his cigarettes.  He gets monetary gifts from his family, obviously has enough to trade for illegal tattoos, and still provides cards to the girls to continue to cause traumatic mood swings in my household.

He effects me everyday.  There is not a single day that goes by he isn't brought up by the girls.  I cannot make anyone do the right thing.  All I can do speak my piece.

I hate our courts and law enforcement have no real structure.  Everything is open to interpretation meaning anything goes.  My girls are not wards of the state they just have a father in prison.  Is a parent killing another parent the example given in the law that states is considered the worst form of child abuse and just cause to revoke parental rights without having to have parent sign off rights... Yes.  Were his rights revoked? No.  So even when the law seems to spell it out exactly that does not mean that is how it works.

At the end of the day, attorneys are in it for their cut.  It isn't about right or wrong. Just or unjust.  It is about getting paid the most for the least amout of effort.

Well, they did alright.  They got $5,000 for 7 years of trying to close the estate, and 1 year of accepting the least amount of money for the house.  The plan to issue the proceeds and close the estate considering the 2 million uncollectible.

If my sister were alive his wages would be garnished for his requirement to pay child support.  Though because my sister is deceased he isn't held to the same requirement because the estate attorneys do not want to do the work.  

I just keep thinking, I am sorry.  I tried, I really did but I can't make the arrogant judgemental attorney do his job.   

My only other thought, tears are for my pillow but I really could use a hug.  I have really worked on not apologizing for things I can't control or for what others have done.  I just keep thinking how sorry I am I can't fix this.

Amaysing Thoughts