Condescending

Condescending...

Meanings as defined by Oxford Language

Condescending - Having or showing a feeling of patronizing superiority 

Patronizing - apparently kind or helpful but betraying a feeling of superiority 

Superiority - state of being higher rank, status or quality

Apparently this is me.  At least, it is how people see me.  Whether or not I agree does not matter.  If this is what people think they can relay their message to anyone they wish and what I say has little to no effect simply because no one cares about the accused opinion or view.

I have gotten this a lot and many people perceive me this way but to know me is to understand I have no room for error.  I am not given grace anywhere.  I cannot just relax and let loose.  

I am always in my right mind because of my liver.  There is never a moment where I can justify not being fully aware of my decisions.  There is never a time where, "You know better" is waived because of a altered consciousness.  I am 100% accountable 100% of the time period.  

If people were to live to the standard expected and maintained by me they may not see condescending because I do not see myself as superior in any shape or form.  

I work for every dollar to pay for everything I have.  It is not a $300k home with an HOA in a gated community.  It is a home I anticipated having a family in because I do not like change due to uprooted moves.  I wanted something I could know I could grow into not grow out of.  I think through things before I act.  I analyze every bit of it to make sure my decisions are something I can justify when questioned.  

There are always questions, judgements, and opinions based on everything I do.  Even memories are questioned for accuracy.  I think this is maybe why I trained my brain to replay things in my mind and I have photographic memory.  Instead of hearing me say, "Let think," you will often see me shut my eyes and say, "Hang on let me look."  Flipping through my mental photographic archive in my brain to the last image regarding the topic and then watching the scene play out in my mind.

I had to train my brain to think this way because how else could I be responsible for all things without having a process to remember how to justify myself.  Everything is under scrutiny so I have to protect myself.

My niece said, "Auntie Trina probably has the highest IQ of anyone and still cannot seem to buy the right lightbulbs for the dining room ceiling fan."  I make mistakes but I can't get out of ridicule when I do.  

My sister's are smarter than me.  I have never in my life felt like I could even compare with them at all.  Is this condescending... no.  Is it reality, yes.  My big sister was slighted opportunity to achieve due to our moves.  This hindered her ability to see herself as the intellectual she was.  Her abilities in math could have allowed for her dreams of attending Kettering (at the time GMI) and achieving more than she did.  My little sister did just that and has achieved her bachelor's and masters degrees from Kettering.  I left college short of my bachelor's because investigating your sister's murder when law enforcement decides they do not want too takes priority over Statistics homework.  I know where I rank within my family and it isn't superior.  

I have failed many many times in my life.  Nursing school, swimming, golf, marriage, pregnancy, just to name a few.  While you could say they aren't my fault they all ultimately are.  Had I made any sort of slight adjustment or answered a question differently I may have been a nurse rather than 1.1% shy of my goal.  Swimming my body, my strength, my technique are all mine to control and I needed to kick fast, pull harder, and breathe less to achieve better.  Golf swing is 100% my own control.  Better grip, smoother swing, proper head angle, and controlled follow through could make my shots less and my hits more accurate.  I could identify every reason why each of them are my fails and mine alone.  I take ownership and it is hard to see others achieve while I fail yet they still think I condescending.

I follow rules because I have the words of my Grandma in my head saying, "You know better," when I don't do what I am supposed to do.  I may not have known it was what "I was supposed to do" which then my Grandpa's voice says, "I don't want to hear your excuses."  I learned to just own my faults and everyone else's because I should know and to not know is my own fault.

I get no grace and this is matched with a hard work ethic.  I will work until the task is done period.  Pay me, don't pay me, it doesn't matter because the job I took is my responsibility so I need to be responsible and finish.  I can't stand up in the pool when I am tired I have to finish the race regardless of the time.  Just because I work with people who want to be compensated for breathing air during working hours and then get made I out produce them doesn't matter.  They can have an utter disrespect for chain of command and ignore all business ethical boundaries and be told good job meanwhile calling me condescending and I am told to explain.  

I don't know how else to say I am me.  The girl who doesn't care about hair, makeup, and other superficial things because I have had to deal with too many soul crushing, heart breaking, injustices.  A girl who just wants to keep my head down, do my job, have enough money to pay my bills and not feel like I am drowning alone.  

The only thing condescending about me is drive to survive and not stand up in the pool when I don't feel like I can continue on.

I have no excuses... I know better.

Amaysing Thoughts