Fill the Silence

The girls have said, "What is going to happen when we leave and go to college?  Who will fill the silence?  You will be alone."

I simply respond with, "I'll play my solitaire and think a lot like I do now."

They know that even though I was married for 17 years, I was alone a lot.  Prior to marriage, I was alone a lot.  Alone is something I can do because it is all I know how to do.

My older sister is the one who took credit for "hooking me up."  The uncomfortable thing for me is the unknown.  My sister warned me that if I were asked out I needed to say, "Yes."  So I attempted to avoid him like the plague which he followed me out the exit door so I couldn't avoid him.  

That moment is my only experience dealing with a situation like that.  I am not on anyones radar.  I think I am oblivious to that type of social interaction.  Flirting?  What is that?  How do you do that?  I can honestly say, "I have no idea."  

That along with hair, makeup, and style are other foreign concepts to me.  I was raised that girls don't call boys.  Girls don't ask boys out.  I figure that means guys are raised to do that so if they wanted to they would.  No one ever wanted to so that is where I stand.

Everything now seems to be online.  I cannot even imagine dating someone I met online.  That is such a red flag to me.  I was the 13 year old in the 12-13 yr old AOL chat room assuming the guy I was talking to was in fact 13.  When my parents did their routine follow up reviewing my activity online they discovered the responses were not 13 year old boy vocabulary.  He seemed more adult in his responses which flew over my naive 13 year old brain.  My AOL username was changed,  I was grounded from online for some time and had to earn trust back to show I could use the internet in a responsible way.  

I have been on a movie while a work kick taking a break from audible books.  I find that when I was younger the movies all seemed believable with some exaggeration of course.  Now I feel more cynical seeing them as unbelievable and completely exaggerated.  

It seems growing up I figured everyone had the opportunity to have a happy, love filled life that was complete with family.  Based on your choices though you also had the opportunity to lose out on all those things.  It was based however on you, your actions, and your choices.

I chose to follow the rules.  I realize my younger years of crushes fed my imagination of epic fairy tale like interactions.  In reality fairy tales are just media.  In real life love is rare, finding someone you connect with is not guaranteed and some people are just not meant to find anyone.

My marriage was never ending series of lies.  So much so each lie I discovered I placed a brick to create huge walls to protect myself.  I do not blame anyone for the choices I made.  I more blame myself because I trusted what I was told assuming there were some things that would never be lied about.  Nothing was off limits at the end of the day.

I hold a lot of shame knowing everything I allowed myself to put up with.  I know I need to stick to my instincts and not just settle.  I also know I am not comfortable putting myself out there.

The girls and I were at a gas station filling up before the drive home from the lake.  The employee walked out to change the trash cans.  He was confidently walking to the first pump with his belly hanging over his pants exposed below his shirt.  He stared at my older niece as she got in the passages seat.  She is at the stage she points out ever "hot" man she sees.  They could be seen in quick passing while we drive down the road, when shopping, or on television.  

I asked her, "Did you check that out?" She said, "Ewe, gross.  I could never see myself married to someone like that."  

I told her I must be the female equivalent.  She did her usual, "No, way."  I further explained someone like her mom and her has people crushing on her.  There is guys with a known type they are attracted to.  The 5'2", long hair, sassy personality, and it never mattered my sister's weight because of her proportions.  My Auntie T would tell you she blessed her with the chest and forgot to do it for me.  

I told my niece, I am the 5'3", boring brunette and that can be over looked all together. This or I am the equivalent of Mr Gas Station where guys say, "I would never be with her because..."

She said why do you think that.  I said evidence because I have never had the experience of someone even remotely acting interested.  I have to be prepared for alone.  Being alone has to be okay.

I have never needed a relationship.  I know how to take care of myself and others. I can do that it isn't unknown to me.  

Someone thinking about me without me asking as question or prompting a conversation is the unknown.  Someone asking me out or even saying how was your day is the unknown.

I have spent a lot of time this year learning to be okay with letting people be.  They don't need to know everytime I think of them so I do not need to always reach out.  If I go days without anyone talking to me it has to be okay.  The girls won't be here forever.  I am their aunt and guardian they will determine the level of involvement I have in their lives.  If they have that right so does everyone else.  

I need to be okay with alone.  It is something I know how to do.  It just is not something when I pictured my life I thought I would have to do.  I planned for children, a loving husband, and a family.  Not all plans work out but being okay with the hand that is dealt is what must be done.

Amaysing Thoughts