I have to internalize everything and reflect on it. How else can I process it?
I cannot just say, "Not my problem." Everything is my problem it is happening to me. There is no summing up that someone else will deal with it because it always circles around and ends up right where I left it if I don't deal with it.
This unfortunately goes for everything. From who is responsible for paying, deciding, arranging, managing, problem solving, and anything else. Therapist say someone else will deal but they don't get it. When you are the one you whole life everyone else uses as the person that will handle it so they don't have too and you don't do it... it won't get done. Then blame sets in for your lacking. If everyone actually looked it from an unbiased perspective and took accountability they would see a large gap in what their part to accomplish things.
Right now I am angry, hurt, annoyed and every other negative emotion. Not at just one person or entity but them all. So many that just moved on but I do not have that luxury.
I live with the result of lack of authority action for the five years it took for him to be arrested. This is not just with my personal story of managing through it. I parent the product of the marriage that resulted in murder and the aftermath of mental hell he put those kids through.
Tell me to move on when I have a random call to my mother to call her former attorney for the guardianship. Only to be told the house sold he purchased after he killed my sister that the girls lived in for 5 years while he played father of the year to the public.
Seeing the listing including the empty house photos. The house that once was filled with my sister's belongings and the girls belongings. The house and items I have been requesting access to per the girls direct request since his arrest in 2019.
I ignored my own personal issues regarding him because I took responsibility for the girls. Just like any other estranged relationship I put my feelings aside and reached out to him. The county never took his parental rights away. I am legally their guardian but he is still rightfully their father in the eyes of the court. My sister has nothing but name of a birth certificate because she died. Him living maintains his rights ultimately due to county decision based on... money. Ignore the fact county paid nothing for the evidence my parents financed they couldn't do the decent thing and free the children of him and his ability to communicate with them.
I am the one who picked up my niece from kindergarten to tell her that her "mumma" passed away. I lived through the infant/toddler clenching gripping cries when dropping off my younger niece to her dad those 5 yrs after.
I deal with ever trigger, tantrum, argument, therapy, decompression, and chaotic moment for two girls not only growing up through the normal horrible awkward middle school/high school years but dealing with circumstances no one else can imagine.
I had to tell the girls the house is for sale. I showed them the listing not to rub salt in a wound but what the adults don't understand is these two girls still have hope someone will do something right or with them in mind. I showed them empty house because they needed the closer.
I have a Junior in high school that has been hoping her open house will have her elementary school yearbooks, her AYSO trophies, and other personal items she keeps locked in her mind as her belongings.
I feel awful. I moved 5 states in 10 years and even through purging the non-essentials each move I still have belongings. I have my Care Bear possible figurines, my swim plaques and metals. I know my mother has items from when she was a kid that traveled with use throughout each move.
The day he was arrested and 2 short visits after was the last the girls were with their belongings. Even though there was requests and lists made by the girls from 2019 to current nothing was provided. Nothing.
For children you love how do you deny them. For the person whom demanded the children call her Mom, she literally either left the items for someone else to put in a dumpster or did it herself. Their grandmother saying she wasn't involved and doesn't want to hear about belongings again.
Excuse me... you are involved. Your 50% DNA of him makes you involved. Your child owned things in that house. I hope if he had anything from you, his father, or any other relation that you didn't get it returned. If something from that home ended up in your possession you were involved. If your daughter received anything from that home then you were involved. You are not an island of perfection surrounded by toxicity that does not happen.
I have a responsibility and take it seriously. I have been diligent since 2014 and I do not have the luxury to let it go because I am responsible for the product of this horrific situation.
I cannot recreate the prototype for the entryway mirrored shelf that my grandpa made and mailed to us in Missouri. The shelf and two other different shelves that my mother video taped us opening. Anyone watching that video would laugh. Instead of packing material to protect the wood my grandpa used our clean underwear he found in the dryer we forgot to pack when we left Michigan to go back home to Missouri. The shock and embarrassment of our underwear made us laugh and showed my grandpa's sense humor and practicality.
The thing is every house had the shelf made for it based on that prototype. My uncle, grandparents, the lake, my parents house all had a shelf. Including my sister's shelf there are enough for each of the great-grandkids. Without it one won't get a shelf. That breaks my heart because to me the most important shelf was that one. Imagining it either was taken by a picker, broken in a dumpster or just part of chaotic repo clean out turns my stomach.
Then there are trinkets that mean nothing to others but are those items you cherish and pass along to your kids. The belongings were not big ticket items. That wasn't what mattered it was the yearbooks, school photos, and my sister's hoodie they made into a pillow for my niece. Why have the forethought to provide keepsake if you don't allow them the opportunity to keep it.
Then I have to remind myself these are the same people whom gave me my sisters clothes. Opening the bag the contents were what was in her underwear drawer. Meanwhile we proceeded to watch the girlfriend wear my sisters clothes in public as if she got a brand new wardrobe. I know it was my sister's clothes because my sister did not purchase them. My family had on various trips and seeing in the stores knowing my sister would want it. This is who I am dealing with. What is theirs is theirs and what is others is theirs if they want it otherwise it is trash.
Every level has failed from investigating, courts, adults, and beyond. Even now I am still discovering lack of efforts. If you are the professionals and it is your job then do it. You are annoyed by me then just do your job. Do your job as if it were your own family. Quit making me have to figure it out and tell you what you haven't done.
I am tired of it all but I can't just let it go. You do not have to live with the girls. I cannot look at them and say, "This is not my problem." I am glad others can move on but respect the fact I cannot. I have little time for me. When I am provided time I end up asleep out of pure exhaustion.
My marathon is not over there are new tasks. Just this week I discovered things I need to address. The one person I know would have been my backup is my dad and unfortunately he is with my sister. My mom is very supportive but has her own set of responsibilities now that dad is gone.
Overall, I am not still on the loop of reliving September 29, 2014 since his guilty verdict in 2021. Though I still feel as if everyone is moving forward beyond me. I realize I cannot to walk away from this. Kids grow and mature throughout that process memories can evolve, reasoning, and feelings about things change.
I live with two people that remember things and are coming to a more mature understanding of the events based on age. Others can leave but I have to provide the consistency of the situation while handling what aftermath comes.
I am living through every stage of processing the situation. It is like me watching the movie Grease having the whole movie memorized at age 9 and then watching it at 27 yrs old realizing the actual lyrics of Grease Lightening.
This is exhausting. The girls cannot just get over it especially when they have PTSD so blocked memories can be triggered and brought forward at any moment.
Let it go. Really? I am without a piece of me. My ultimate protector. She would have done this and more if roles were reversed. Honestly she would have probably ended up in a lot of trouble because she would not have been quiet the five years it took for an arrest.
I cannot let her go any more than I can sit back and think he is in prison we have done all we can. No... her girls deserve more. She deserves more. If I am the only one making sure all i's are dotted and t's are crossed so be it. Not to mention her Middle Name was hyphenated not her Last Name get it Right!!
I am who I am. I will continuing to deal with it but it is unfair to lump me into the "she just won't let it go" bubble.
If I could, I would, but I can't, so I won't.
Amaysing Thoughts
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