Relationships are their own chaotic mess. Some people are never single while others are forever single. Some people have an un realistic list of criteria and others seem to have no standards at all. Before my ex-husband, I didn't date even though it was not for lack of trying.
I am the girl who took chances and had to deal with the embarrassment that followed. All the teasing when people found out I liked someone that just made me feel insignificant and pitiful. There was a reason I chose to focus on school and work. If the thought of me dating causes my "friends" to tease me in such a way then I better figure out how to take care of myself financially. I can't rely on anyone else.
I can honestly say I am unaware of anyone ever having any thoughts about dating me that was unprovoked. I say that because my big sister would have told you she was behind my ex-husband asking me on date. So, when I think about it over all I must not be that kind of girl. I am a friend and that is where the line is drawn.
I am the kind of girl who takes care of herself and others. The one who can be overwhelmed and anxious. Who gets sensory overload and needs time to just gather thoughts, turn off noise, close eyes, and breath to regroup. The one with a never ending to-do list, 1 year goal, 5 year goal, and 10 year goal. The one that understands I need to save for the future but the future isn't guaranteed so maybe squeeze together the money to have that family vacation while you can so you have no regrets. (Family Disney Vacation October 2023 my dad passed unexpectedly April 2024... no regrets)
I am the girl who would rather have a clean kitchen than flowers. I prefer a country drive to no where over a trip to the casino. Take me on a walk through Home Depot then a walk through Kohls. I am not a make-up, dress, shoes, salon every 6 weeks, and nails done every 3 weeks kind of girl. I am a no make-up, hair does what it wants, t-shirt with hoodie, jeans or black joggers, and a pair of athletic shoes kind of girl. I own three pairs of shoes, my sneakers, my crocs, and dress shoes. I have carried the same purse for 10 years, and have no desire to change it.
I am me... which obviously is not what anyone is looking for. I see it as if I have dark circles under my eyes because I am an exhausted single parent why should I be self-conscious about it. Why cover it up? Today make-up is done to make the illusion of something completely different. Why is that considered beautiful? I do not want any illusion or sense of a mask. I want real the good, bad, and ugly. Then I won't have as many surprises.
I am not pretending to be something I am not. It seems today everyone is putting out a false narrative and then shocked when the truth is finally revealed. I asked questions throughout my marriage only to discover my questions were valid and disregarded. I was lied to about everything on every level from insignificant (no reason to lie about it) to the most serious issues. I don't need someone pretending to be something they are not I want genuine real authentic self.
I am honest to a fault. I will tell you what I did. If it was wrong, I apologize and work to make sure I don't make the same mistake twice. I am honest so I want honest. I think a lot and have a bazillion active processes going on in my head at once. I like to talk things out, analyze things to figure out solutions and minimize problems. Thinking and planning ahead so I can enjoy the moment rather than fretting through it.
I am not what anyone wants but maybe what people need which is why friends and acquaintances I have but intimate relationships I have none.
I am the girl who does not need a man but wishes a man would accept my ability to be independent but not require me to be... this is the dream. I have always had to take care of myself even married I made sure to be the stability we needed.
I wish someone would see me as not competing. I wish I lived in a different era where duel income sources wasn't a necessity. I am willing to contribute to household equally and have proven I will contribute even more than my counterpart if it is warranted. Does that make me less desirable? If so, why?
Men will date a girl who has no idea what she wants to do, can't cook, doesn't know how to clean, and then spend their relationship arguing. The will date the the girl that make look great standing next to them but when the mask comes off their ugly is exposed. Why is what you see is what you get less desirable? We live in a world of mystery blind box purchases is that really what people desire out of their relationships and mystery grab bag.
The idea of dating me is laughable... I wish I understood.
I know I am beyond the years of dating. I work from home and my exposure to people is limited which I personally prefer because my tolerance for stupidity lessens every year. The odds of meeting someone is just not existent. That being said, I don't know what more I could have done in the past to change my current circumstance. The only thing I would have avoided is 17 years of a marriage. I am still laughable, worthy of teasing to consider anyone thinking of me more than friend. It warranted teasing even to think of me liking someone.
I am that girl.
"Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet your my favorite work of art."
- Funny Valentine by Frank Sinatra
Amaysing Thoughts
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