Seen

Seen...

As an introvert, I don't look to stand out and even the idea of being in the spotlight creates anxiety.  

Spotlights can be positive or negative.  A source of riducule or admiration.  Something to focus on regardless of ones feelings, thoughts or intentions.

We never know when someone maybe spotlighting us.  This fact can be a saving grace or missed opportunity.  

Even though we may not want the spotlight there is usually a hope that someone will see you.  Like really see you.  Listen, care, protect, and support.  Some are lucky enough to find that person.  There are people who step forward at times and seem like they could be the one who will understand.  The one who will accept the idiosyncrasies and be there anyway.

I have many idiosyncrasies, I wholeheartedly admit to all of them.  From my late night brain turning messages to my mid-day hope everything is okay.  I am a communicator even if I am not a call you on phone kind of girl.  Video chats are for my mom, my sister, my nieces and nephew.  Phone calls are for my mom and my best friend otherwise I am a texting kind of girl.

That being said my texts are like my blog in the sense I text how I speak.  Don't confuse things... I do not Speak to Text... rather I text how I think and how I think is how I speak.  I hear myself as I type.  It is conversational to me.  I have a photographic memory and with that I see, hear, and imagine while reading words.  Reading is visual but also vivid reenactments, I imagine how things are said with inflection and mannerisms.  Movies playing in my mind that I can watch, hear, and feel. 

There are many who say they don't read my texts.  They see the length decide they do not want to read it.  Some scan for topic and move on with their life.  Same goes for my blog , "I saw you posted it but I didn't read it."  I am working on grasping the double standards.  The same individuals text me and hold me accountable for the information provided so I must read what I receive.  If I were to say I basically ignored them there would be a problem. 

I communicate but if you opt not to read it then you could easily say I didn't communicate it.  If you didn't have time when I sent and never revisited it, that is a response in and of itself.  If I never come to mind after you initially see my notification when you mentally think I will do that later then to me that says I do not matter.  If I have to initiate all communication then it isn't a reciprocated connection but rather one-sided.  I have put forth this effort with many of my connections. I am told I force relationships yet if I think of someone, I communicate it.  I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I do most of the time, which is that I am forgettable, invisible, and insignificant.  

I understand conversations while they can be continuous may not extend due to everyone's lives being chaotic.  I too have a chaotic life and little time for myself.  I do my best to never ignore any communication.  This may be a trauma response because I do not want to regret anything.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I have lost too many people whom I didn't get to say goodbye or tell them how much I love them.   Words unspoken just end up turning in my mind.  Always hoping they knew how much they mattered to me.  This isn't just close family members but also former friends, bosses, and co-workers.

I need to work on accepting that I am alone and others have those they want in their lives.  Where I am alone, they are not.  Where I am without, they are with.  I don't need to put my feelings out there because they don't experience the same.  I am viewed as complaining when in reality I just don't have that person to communicate with that is without judgement and that cares about me.  

Sometimes an unbiased perspective is what I need and want.  I want to be told when the issue is me and help to figure out what to do different.  I want reassurance when it isn't my imagination and that I am valid and help me let go of the instinct to prove my side.

I don't have someone who chooses me and wants to communicate with me.  I don't want to continue to lose myself.  In my marriage, I lost me.  I wish someone would see me and allow me to be a priority for them.  If I care, I make you a priority.  If I think of you, I tell you. I am working on just keeping things to myself.  I don't want disingenuous connections.  The silence is difficult because the thoughts are still generating I am just internalizing it.  

I do not want to force anyone to communicate with me.  If they wanted to communicate they would.  When they don't it tells me I am not a priority.

Those in my life have their person.  I am just a supportive person in their life.  I on the other hand don't have that person who sees me as a priority.  Even in my marriage the priority was my ex-husband.  I would point out what I needed and he would say or imply I was selfish.  The communication gap is that he was a priority for him and myself.  It didn't translate to me being a priority to both of us.  That caused me to vocalize what I needed but it didn't translate to him showing me I was his priority.  

I wish someone could show me I am a priority to them.  I am a work-in-progress.  I don't want to force myself on people.  I also am very busy and trying to stay afloat.  I am working on not bothering others as they have their own lives.  Learning to control my communication has me talking myself out of communicating.  Sitting in silence wishing to connect.  

It is assumed if I am not speaking to someone I must be speaking to someone else.  In reality, I am just sitting here understanding my place in this world is to support others.  I may never have a person to make me a priority which is okay because I can take care of myself.  

Wishes and dreams will always continue.  I have a busy and chaotic life of supporting those around me.   I would make time and prioritize things differently if the opportunity presented itself.  Since it hasn't my days are filled with work, carpooling, errands, and sleep.  

If someone actually saw me I would make time for that.  Since I don't have someone it just means I have more time to carpool and work.

Amaysing Thoughts