I will always think they deserve you more. You will be wanted or needed by them more than myself. There is no comparison for the bond developed when you carried them and had them. They were your everything and none of you deserved the decision made for you.
Your absence is palpable. As they grow older, your absence is that much more difficult for them. It isn't a romanticized version on you that they grieve. It is the real version and the part of you that is who they are. The you that can explain their feelings. You the infant whose father died that could help your infant when you died understand how to process the loss at age 11. The you that could understand them like no other because it is your DNA.
I try my best but I am not and will not ever be you. I know this. I am used to being second player. I am Luigi to your Mario. Never the first choice but great back up plan. I struggle without my example. The one showing me what to do or not to do. The struggle is real and 11 years later it is still difficult.
I do my best to provide, to be stable, and reliable. This I can do. I struggle to be your carefree side, your impromptuness, your risk taker side, and fun side. They deserve you and would be so much happier to have those moments.
All I can do is try. They accept it but with reluctance as we all know there is and will ever only be one of you to exist.
I won't say in these years it gets better as it does not. I am just able to control it more and do as I always have which is keep the tears for my pillow.
You are never lost, forgotten, or ever really missing. You are here but untouchable, silent, and invisible. When I close my eyes you are always here with me. Forever and always.
Trina
Amaysing Thoughts
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