Silence

Someone said to me this week, "The normal people asked to do it, you don't have because you have lost so many people."

Thank you for the jolt of reality as if I don't feel it everyday.  Little did he know when he said that to me there are even more he isn't even aware of because they are alive.

This year has been coming to terms with if I don't initiate conversation there is no conversation.  This means learning to ignore the instinct to initiate conversation or tell others my thoughts.  

If people wanted to know something they would ask.  The fact they don't means I don't need to bother them.  I know they have others they communicate with regularly just because I don't doesn't mean I need to interject myself.  

Standing up for myself has meant losing a network of people.  It is a consequence I am learning to manage.  Managing it involves many long written emails accumulating in my drafts addressed to no one.  A habit I started when I was frustrated with authorities regarding my sister's murder and lack of proper investigation.

My days are consumed with work, mid-afternoon juggling preteen/teen mood swings while finishing my work day, and evenings arguing for downtime along with next day preparation and other chaos.  This is a routine that often does not include any adult communication and a lot of self control to keep my own thoughts in check.

I would say I miss communication but to be honest hearing my experiences are dismissed with statements lie, "That is parenting."  Other comments like, "Yeah, we have all been there."  Their perspective for them it may be true but reality is they really cannot compare.

They never did it alone.  They never did it with children they didn't create.  They never did it without a support system that only includes one other person. 

I made a decision to say I cannot continue to live with endless lies and arguments.  My anger was not unprovoked it was justifiable but no one acknowledges that.  My situation is felt as consequences for a decision that I am not sorry I made.  I just would have thought I would have felt more supported.

It feels as though my support system was connected to my marriage and it was established well before I ever met my now ex-husband.

I have had two people there for me no matter what and that is probably because they created me.  They also have a significant bond beyond the average grandparent/grandchild connection with my nieces.  Losing my dad was losing someone who understood the girls as I do.  A voice of reason in the girl brain of chaos.  A perspective I being a girl don't come by naturally.

I wish I could have that perspective.  I found that perspective but again silence is the current situation.  I will research issues that arise and do my best to keep myself in control and not react to others actions.

Their actions though aren't unseen by me.  I understand my role in this life is to support others.  This doesn't require me to be understood, heard or honestly even seen.  I just need to keep feelings out of it.  Being heard and understood is a long time trauma issue for me.  

Growing up in the strong female household where volume was high, emotions had a roller coaster effect, and listening didn't mean comprehending makes it hard not to over explain.  No one wanted to wait for explanation they just want the point but when given the point they don't comprehend because they need more information.  It is a vicious cycle and spinning often.

If people wanted to they would.  I cannot control others.  It is not my job to sustain their relationships with my nieces.  It is not my job to sustain relationship with me.  The phone goes two ways.  Incoming and out going texts.  I have done more than enough communication.  I do not need to initiate everything.  

I don't need to worry about analyzing ignored communication, no communication at all or any other issue regarding lack of action on someone else's part.  I do not need to carry relationships as an obligation I alone must maintain.

I have to figure out whom will speak on my behalf and honestly my list has many people who are no longer here.  An even sadder fact is I only need three and that number seems daunting.  I never want to be the center of attention.  I went to school dances not to be a wallflower but rather the person at the table watching everyone else's purses.  When it comes down to identifying people that know me I can see I have done a great job keeping to myself.

I'll figure it out as I always do.  

Amaysing Thoughts