Things I never thought about before 2014 was getting older than my Big Sister. In 2019, I became an age my sister never did. This realization is at times paralyzing. It starts in the subconscious and before you know it consumes your thoughts. People have said do not think of it that way. It is not something I am aware of until it is all consuming.
Tomorrow I turn another year older and it is three years older than Christy. It is difficult to comprehend in 2022 I will turn 40 and yet Christy missed this milestone. It is difficult to figure out what to do my example is missing.
I am the middle sister. Even though I am also very much like an older. Christy was definitely more care free than me and I was the more responsible one. I did watch her my whole life. I knew what to do or not to do based on watching her. I knew I needed to be a good example but I chose what I wanted the example to be based on watching Christy.
My example is gone... I am getting older... I don't want to age because it feels like I am leaving her behind. I am the one to follow but now I have to lead alone. Aging beyond her I feel like she will be lost.
I do not want to think about aging. Part of me still wants to freeze time so nothing is lost or forgotten.
I miss her everyday... I will get back into my thoughts related our process for getting Justice for Christy. But my thoughts right now are circling on getting another year older and wishing Christy were here to show me it will be ok.
aMAYSing Thoughts
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