I need a minute.

I was five when I knew I wanted to be a mom.  I knew I wanted kids and to get married, period.  A career was not in the idea until I was seven and by then I was going to be a wife, mother, and doctor.  

My Cabbage Patch (Kenneth) was my first baby and then came my My Child (she was never given a name just she was my My Child), and my special Cabbage Patch whom I opened the box without permission and lost her birth certificate was my third baby.  I knew they were my practice babies even when I was little.  I knew I couldn't lose my real child's birth certificate or let them live without names.

Names are tough though.  How do I know the name I choose will be right for them throughout their whole life?  I spent hours throughout childhood, and even my twenty's brainstorming names for my future kids.

I knew I needed stability if I were going to have a family.  I grew up always being the new kid never feeling as though I fit in or really had friends.  I was never there long enough to feel rooted anywhere.

When you grow up with this plan and working towards the goal when it crumbs so does a piece of you who spent your lifetime focused on the plan and goal.

When I decided to stop telling myself there was a chance for kids a piece of me died.  The five year old who regretted the moment I took my crayon to my MY Child's lip because I wanted them to look brighter.  The girl who tried to scrape the crayon off with scissors only to slice her lip.  I cried realizing I hurt my baby when I was supposed to protect my baby.  That little Katrina Marie only loved her babies from that day forward keep their clothes on and hair neat because that is what mommy's do became just a childhood memory.  

No longer doodling names for potential children because there will never be any child I will have the responsibility to name.  No child will have my brown curls, olive complexion, similar laugh, and green eyes like my grandpa.  

There is no cause for concern that time is running out because it was never really ticking for me to begin with.  To mourn the loss of humans whom only existed in your dreams is hard to articulate.  

Everyone I know has at least a child whether planned for or not.  They may have struggles with infertility so their ideal number is not achieved.  I still say this does not compare to no children, no miscarriages and D&C because of pregnancy nope just inability to stop hemorrhaging naturally.  

Seeing your sister who struggled for 10 years get pregnant was difficult.  Then to watch your younger sister not really struggle at all was even more difficult.

I have been told maybe the plan was predetermined and the reason I don't have children is because my nieces need me.  I understand the concept but it is not how my brain functions.  I had to mourne a loss of something that only existed in my mind.  

I have items I saved for my children.  It isn't as meaningful being gifted from an Aunt.  Unless you are me because cherish family at all levels and value tradition.  I have unused items in my save for baby stash that has never been used.

Grief and loss for me exists even for humans whom will never exist.  When I told myself to accept it doesn't mean I am over it.

I can't anticipate how this loss effects me or even when it will impact me.  I understand my role with the girls.  I get it and accept it.

My dream never considered me a single parent.  I never dreamed to have two kids needing me while working full time and having no one available to help me in the day because they are all an hour away from me.  

I never asked or wanted to do this alone.  Those are my circumstances though whether I want it or not.  There is a respect and idealized person whom is always present.  I am not her.  I have never been her and will never be her.  

I know if she were here I would be on speed dial to defuse so many things.  She wouldn't be alone because she always had me.  I was that for her from the moment I was born.

When you lose a dream it can haunt you at times but loss of children is different. Being a guardian I did not anticipate how it would trigger the loss in so many different ways.

Not only is it the I am an Aunt never a mom.  It is triggered even in the I am taking legal and financial responsibility to purchase a second car so my niece can drive.  This is beyond a tantrum of someone upset they will never get to have a baby registry, decorate a nursery or have a baby shower.  No this is me putting myself out there beyond what my five year old dream ever considered.

Foster Parents and Guardians of State Wards don't just put their own money and legal liability on the line for the minors they care for.  

Working to accept I will never have children yet to be equally responsible for children is a mental tornado of fear, loss, panic, all at once.  Normally a parent has 16 years to mentally prepare for this.  I can honestly say I did not ever prepare to be my niece's parent.  I would rather have my sister alive.  I did not ask for this it is what the girls need and that is the most important.

I did not get a choice.  I wasn't asked if it was okay to lace my sister's food.  The moment she died the plan she made was what mattered.  Take care of her girls. He was free at the time so I had to ensure she got justice.  This would protect the girls from him in the long run and then do what needed to be done to make sure they are taken care of.  When focusing on obtaining evidence I wasn't reading parenting books. 

Mom's cry and have emotions when their kids hit milestones like first day of school, graduation, achievements and other significant things.  I wasn't prepared for the panic, loss, and feeling regarding how my niece was going to drive.

My sister's favorite thing was turning 16 and driving.  She loved the independence.  She struggled with vehicles her whole life from crashing them to not being able to afford them and yet she always got where she needed to go.  

I didn't plan to purchase a minor a car and have it insured by me.  My five year old self kept it relevant and Kenneth had to be carried around he was an infant no way was he needing a car.

I cannot explain to those with kids how not having kids alters you.  Being so focused on the creation step for years and every month being reminded you are a failure the brain doesn't move up to planning the teen years.  The brain just stays at the stage it is failing to achieve until you decide to release the dream, hopes, and wishes you have been clinging to since you were five.

My guardianship is a toddler yet buying a car and adding a driver and car to my insurance policy is not Toddler phase what so ever.  I have a Junior who will be a Senior next year and is talking about college.  I couldn't get past creation so I need a minute.  

I never get my minute because everyone is running while I am trying to keep up.  When I ask for a minute they don't hear me because they are on their own path.  I am by myself, and no one else is there to help pick up any of my slack or take anything off my plate.   If you could all slow down and give me a minute that would be great.

Parts of me have died and I am doing my best but I am broken so it going to take me a minute. 

Amaysing Thoughts