Pay It Forward

Pay it Forward

I have lived by the concept of Pay It Forward my whole life.

It did not take the Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey, and Haley Joel Osman film for me to figure out what it means to pay it forward. (Fact - Helen Hunt narrated the Lifetime documentary episode of  interview for).

If I have, I always give.  The concept is that one day if I don't have maybe someone will give.  I talk myself into keeping the concept even though I have found I give and give but it never comes full circle.

I was the person that packed 3 towels, 3 goggles, 4 swim caps, and basically every supply you can think of.  If your cap ripped I have one for you, your goggles broke here is an extra pair, you forgot your towel here is a dry one.  This is me.  

You used all your golf tees?  Here I have an extra bag.  Need a golf ball? I got you covered, and here is the Sharpie so you can mark it with your signature marking to identify it on the fairway.

Disney vacation, you have a headache here is Tylenol, scrape I have the bandaid, here is the hand sanitizer, need a kleenex here you go, and here is a baby wipe to wipe off the stroller handle.

My bag feels like a Mary Poppins carpet bag.  Never ending like Hermione's enchanted beaded handbag.  

Your a parent and need a night off.  I will make the kids dinner, do the dishes, give them baths, brush their hair, read them a story and have them in bed on time so you can feel like you can relax when you get home.

You want to hang out, don't feel up to making food and don't have cash.  No problem order the pizza we will eat and hang out don't worry about it.

If I need something done and you help me I will cover your cost plus a little extra.  

My uncle would fix my car, if it cost $200 in parts then he knew he would have a minimum of $250 coming his way.  

I am responsible and take the responsibility seriously.  I have never had a debt I didn't pay.  Debts circle my brain like vultures over a dead carcass.  I wish for the day my debts are all paid.   This will never happen. I have lived through financial hell that I had to manage because I didn't get to have control.

I worked hard to increase my earnings.  A mortgage that was calculated on two salaries for thirty years, I cover solely plus all other household expenses.  Some may say this is an accomplishment but in reality it is because I can rely on me and no one else. 

I work to survive.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with an uneasy feeling.  Look up my bank account to realize what I thought was there was not.  I was consistently told my lack of purchasing things was unfair because I wasn't normal.  Apparently, living with a minimum of 8 authorizations at any given time is the new normal.  The amounts could vary anywhere from a drink at the gas station under $5 to a video game over $80.  

Paying off debt with a loan against your retirement is sometimes the cheapest interest rate you can get.  It isn't so great when your employer of 10 years decides they don't want you because they can pay someone less to do what you do.  Then your result is no more retirement.  Basically, the girl who opened her 401k as soon as she was old enough to and always contributes the max match amount and lives like my take home amount is my actual pay.  Tricking myself to live on that knowing I am saving for retirement.  When you leave the employer the loan is paid with your remaining funds resulting in you starting from scratch.

I have always thought outside myself.  I knew my parents could only afford to help one of us with school.  They didn't say this to me I knew looking at cost of school and knowing they had their own school loans from finishing their degrees older.  Watching my big sister not get accepted to her school of choice Kettering University, refusing to send in her housing paperwork to Central Michigan University, and then she enrolled at MOTT Community College.  She found hanging out at Kettering, the mall, and other places were more fun than classes leading to her dropping out.  This weighed heavy on my mind when it came time for me to go to college.  

My major, Associate of Applied Science, Nursing (Registered Nurse), was offered at MOTT Community College.  I could take any prerequisites they offered at MOTT for my Bachelor of Science, Nursing and then transfer for the four year degree while working as a RN.  The Associate would be free since my dad taught at MOTT and I would be working so I could pay for my 2 year Bachelor's.  This meant I didn't need my parents to help me with college and they could put all eggs in my little sister's basket. 

This was my 17 year old brain thinking it through.  Making sure my slice of the pie was not more than someone else's.  I didn't anticipate my path would not end the way I had planned.  I decided to finish my free degree in the most transferable way when nursing didn't work out.  I focused on my strengths.  I am over analytical and very detail oriented.  I am great at cash handling and therefore credit union made sense.  Working my way up from the entry level to management in a little over two years worked.  

When you start out a marriage with a brand new mortgage and your spouse's job literally was gone before we said, I Do, causes stress.  I took the responsibility to ensure we would not be homeless.  I knew the best option was for him to finish his classes for his Bachleor's so he could click the button instead of being weeded out of the opportunity without even finishing the application.  I worked harder so he could do school and part-time work.  

I worked harder when his degree was finished and we were in a economic recession with hiring freeze.  I worked harder to ensure the mortgage did not go into foreclosure.  I went without eating at times and still would wake up to money not being where I thought it should be.  I can only control myself.  I controlled my spending to manage what I could not control.  I ignored my house's chaos to manage what I did not have the time to deal with.  

I control myself and at times there is just too much and it is hard to always be the one taking the responsibility.  

When mom went to Boston to see my dad at Christmas, I filled the void and did the tradition at my house including purchasing everyones gifts my mom always purchased.  (The Socks... always the socks).  The year mom and dad were in OBX and Christy had an infection that needed tending to, I filled the void.  I took her to urgent care and paid for her treatment that ended up being three days of appointments when she had no insurance.

I spent years arguing about money for a mortgage and now I have the continual pressure to refinance.  Can I have a minute, I know the divorce mediator gave me a year and it is four months past that but this is a life plan of mine beginning demolished.  

I was going to own my home free and clear when I was 55 years old.  When we refinanced because of lost wages I reluctantly understood I would own it when I was 60 years old.  Now I am starting over, again at 43.  I continually get part way to my goal and then have to start from scratch.

When my sister died, I was in the last year of earning my Bachelor's of Business Management degree.  Priorities changed.  I had to make choices.  Do I go home to work on Statistics or go to my parents house to feed the baby, give her a bath and put her to sleep?  Sorry, the baby won.  I knew she lost her source of life when her mom died.  The 100% breastfeed four month old needed to have stability and routine.  That routine turned into my mom doing early morning feeding, baby went to daycare, then she got picked up, when I got out of work I drove to my parents where I did a nightly routine to put her to bed and my dad did late night feedings.  

Did Statistics matter more than making sure my sister's case was followed through on?  No. My plan derailed.  Change the lyrics just a tad and I am Frenchie from Grease... Bachelor Degree Dropout... No Graduation Day for Me.

Does this mean I have looming student loan debt that hovers over me like a little black rain cloud?  Yes.  Am I able to click a box to get through the application filters to earn more?  No.  

I appreciate my job so much.  I am able to survive.  I also know when things get tough I work harder.  I can't risk unemployment.  I have dealt with too many times being told he lost his job.  All of that over 17 years was not the reason I was done.  I stuck to my word and continued to provide, work, and ensure needs were met.  

I could have fought for my fair share of things but I am responsible.  I have two traumatized kids who need stability so I knew I needed to keep the house for them, they deserve it.  Do I need a new clean slate?  Yes, but I am not thinking of only myself.  Do I make enough to cover house and expenses, yes.  Do I make enough for wants? No.  Do I manage girls funds preventing them from having their wants? No. I manage their funds to cover their wants.  Are they spoiled? Yes.  They get name brand shoes twice a year while I am wearing the same shoes I bought myself for Disney in November 2023.  

They come first.  I work to survive.  Paying off credit card debt where I don't even know the purchases because I wasn't even a card holder.  Years of investigating my own accounts and listening to my intuition to discover money spent we needed for something more essential.  No wonder I fear debt and live by paycheck.  I have no credit card to put a purchase on and manage paying off over time.

If the money isn't in the account it isn't there period.  I don't have a slush fund.  Do I make enough to save?  Not really, as soon as their is surplus there is something that happens to use the funds.  I am done fighting about it all.  Everyone's wants and needs is exhausting.  

If I didn't plan for it I will need a minute because paycheck to paycheck when you are responsible means I cannot just give you money.  It is already spent before it is received on the house payment and housing expenses.  I will have to figure out how to work out the funds beyond that.  

Does this mean I am bad with money?  No, it means I am like so many other average working people who live pay check to pay check.  Savings is a luxury.  When the cart of groceries I bought two years ago cost me $300 and now costs me $500 yet I haven't had a raise.  I want to tell everyone to, "Just go, just leave me alone, and when I say I am done... I am done".  

I was left with the chaos of the house I ignored to survive.  I have only used three vacation days since May 2024.  I manage the girls including their needs and wants.  

Refinancing a mortgage is not just a business transaction.  Seriously, I am a Mortgage Auditor.  I earn my money analyzing thousands of documents everyday.  Mortgages are a major life change.  From newlyweds first home, change of employment needing relocation, upgrading for growing family, downsizing as empty nesters, divorce, and selling a loved ones home after they passed or needed to be moved to assisted living.

To me this is forcing me to increase my mortgage rate causing my retirement plans to extend longer.  Realizing my deed will be solely in my name, so how will I manage planning for my estate.  Fretting over the house's needed code improvements we knew when we bought it that I have to do for anyone including me to be able to sell it.  

This doesn't even touch base on my overall anxiety about having people inside my house seeing it as is.  From the appraiser taking photos that will last thirty years in a file to repair worker for my plumbing and electrical.  

This is not mentally easy process.  Is it a constant terrifying concern I have had since signing my first mortgage April 2007?  Yes.  Is it believed I got more out of the deal when divorce was finalized? Yes.  Is that the truth?  Absolutely, not.  Were things done that were not fair.  Yes. Did I bring it up?  No, I was done fighting. 

I get to take the burden for that but in the back of my mind I keep thinking I have so much unreciprocated Pay It Forwards banked up that maybe some day I will catch a break.  

I still provide even when I can't afford.  I think of others and do my best to be responsible and Pay It Forward.  I do wonder though who will have the knife that stabs me in the end.

Amaysing Thoughts