Happy Birthday
You make me so mad. I get to stress about doing the right thing and keeping your memory alive. I have to do things I don't want to do. I have no choice in the matter.
I made a decision. We used to gather 12-15 to have your DQ ice cream cake on your birthday.
When you were alive if you didn't get one I would hear about it. No matter the whether countless times I would find myself driving to DQ hoping to get there before they closed.
Is it the dead of winter and temperature in the teens actively snowing and the roads haven't seen a piece of salt or a plow blade? Many times this has happened. My sister upset on her birthday crying because no matter what items she did get if that DQ cake was not part of her day it was ruined and no one loved her.
I have been arranging DQ cakes 11 years that you have been gone. It is infuriating to me the amount of pressure and stress I feel over something I dont even like. I don't eat the dang thing.
This year there were four people I had to concern myself with your daughter's (who are lactose intolerant just like you), mom and myself. Mom chose your favorite restaurant, Outback.
I decided since we are going to Outback, there would be no DQ cake. The girls can have dessert at restaurant if they want. I made the decision... me.
I told your oldest daughter who passively aggressively sighed making it plainly obvious her feelings of anger and disappointment. She would not verbalize but it was hard to ignore.
When I picked up your youngest from school that was when the crying started. The vocalized anger, yelling and it was as if you were in the car. The tone volume all of it reminiscent of so many moments of you. Then the statement, "She made you go in your pajamas to get her the ice cream cake that is how important it was to her on her birthday."
Ok, I don't need to feel shamed because I decided it was time to let the DQ ice cream cake era go. I had even seen they make smaller version they call "cupcakes" but they did not appear anywhere online to order or even show on their menu.
I passed my neighborhood and my niece started in on the where are we going. I simply said, "Don't talk to me right now."
I proceeded to spiral in my head thoughts that even in death I am obligated to get you cake. I am shamed even when I can totally justify why. I don't get to decide it is your day. You control it and always have. You are the center of the universe and I can never forget that.
I pulled into DQ told my niece to stay in car. I walked in and their freezer had 4, yes, 4 freaking DQ cupcakes. The woman asked if I was getting all 4 and I said yes.
You make me so mad and I get it today is about you. You are a pain. I have to deal with stupid "cake". Your girls got the cake and ate at your favorite restaurant.
Happy Birthday, I wish you were here so my mad had somewhere to be heard rather than me thinking it all in my head wondering if your spirit is laughing at me cause you won today's argument.
Amaysing Thoughts
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