Anxiety... Fatal Flaw

I am restless.  It is 1:42 am and I do work tomorrow.  My thoughts are swimming.  Mindless Tiktok isn't helping.  If I just lay there in the dark then my thoughts are a cluster that just continues with no end.

I went from remembering to put in chapstick before bed (part of my ocd routine) to reminiscing about my older sister.  There are private jokes that my family knows but that were really only hilarious to the two of us.  

For instance, I remember living in Florida even though we left there when I was four. I remember finding this huge super stick of strawberry Lip Smackers chapstick.  I didn't know what it was because I was four and never saw a chapstick that size.  So what did I do... I went to my nine year old sister because in my world she knew everything.  I showed her what I found and asked her what it was for.  Her response was... "It is to make your feet smell like strawberries."  Of course that sounded aMAYSing to me! Next thing you know there I am in the garage rubbing strawberry Lip Smackers all over my feet.  That is when I am discovered by adults and asked what I was doing.

Yes, my brain went from my nightly chapstick habit to reminiscing about feet smelling like strawberries. It is really hard having these memories come up right now.  My tightly sealed door of thoughts and feelings are about to be exposed open to public opinion and scrutiny.  

When bad things happen our society doesn't run to the victim to protect them.  No our society runs to the accused to protect their rights and then say to the victim you have to prove to us it happened.  My favorite book and one of my top five favorite movies of all time is To Kill A Mockingbird. I understand needing to protect the accused.  Although, like to Kill a Mockingbird shows us we should also protect the victim.  If Mayella Ewell would have been protected from her father and felt safe would the lie that Tom Robinson was her attacker ever of manifested.

My brain is swirling not because the secret that my brother-in-law is the reason my sister is died.  No, it is swirling because I know society is going to point a finger at her.  What did she do to cause it?  Why should we believe her family?  No one knows what happens behind closed doors.  My brain is preplanning all the pep talks I need to ignore the comments. 

This isn't just ridiculous fretting I have been doing this for almost 8 years.  Defending my sister and providing all of the evidence needed to show this isn't a mistake.  This wasn't my family putting her on a pedestal and needing to point blame.  

If anything the sixteen years they were together we spent telling her to relax and calm down and giving him every benefit of the doubt.  It wasn't until after her death my eyes came to see him for what he really was and that was because I had the evidence of all of him lies.

I am nervous about the airing of ABC 20/20 Fatal Flaw.  I am nervous to hear our voices see our faces on display.  The schedule got all messed up.  It is airing Friday night at 8 pm.  

It is somewhat fitting the time change.  I think my sister did it.  My brain is reminiscing... again.  

Chaotic week of swim practices, school (I went to year round school in Missouri), and it is finally the end of the week.  That meant it was pizza night.  We would all have pizza, would get our pajamas on, i of course grab my blankie (yes, that is an habit too), and head for my spot in the living room.  Everyone hurrying to do the same.  Those last minute potty breaks and getting settled in.  "Hurry it almost time..." we would holler down the hall to whomever was being slow that week.  And then it would play...

"It's Friday Night! 

And the Mood is Right

Gonna Have Some Fun!

Show Ya How it's Done

T - G - I - F"

Amaysing Thoughts 

Controlling the Narrative

Controlling the narrative.  If you are working for justice you must understand there are those only seeking to have their efforts viewed in a specific way.

As a family we have had options to take our story "public" regarding our initial issues with law enforcement and prosecutors lack of efforts.  We were told by so many people from the start to contact media and that would help push our efforts forward.

The biggest thing people were not considering when providing this advice is the safety of my nieces.  We are talking about the fact my brother-in-law killed my sister so how far fetched is it to believe my nieces lives were in jeopardy.  Especially when my eldest niece is a mixture of my mother and her mother combined.  

When my sister died my brother-in-law became the sole parent.  I will touch base on this in more detail in a future blog.  I sought out an attorney within two weeks of my sister's death to find out how to ensure the safety of my nieces how to carry out her wishes.  I did this specifically with the focus of in the event my brother-in-law were to be arrested.  Based on that meeting we knew we had to work quietly in order to ensure their safety.

Media can can be a useful tool to use to your benefit or it can work against you.  Since my brother-in-law had my nieces protecting them from someone who potentially killed my sister was the highest priority.  We worked to provide law enforcement anything we could find and all information we could to help them. We did this efficiently in order to make sure we were not holding up the process.

When it took five years for an arrest and we were again told to keep quiet until after trial.  Covid caused that process to take two additional years.  Then after trial we were instructed not to speak because he has a right to appeal.  Is it really about protecting the cases outcome to ensure his three life sentences are not overturned? Or is it about controlling the narrative to have the story told the way you want it to be told?

Prosecutor posted this today...

I find it interesting in an election year he wants to remind everyone of the family.  He states she left behind her grieving family.  We have not grieved how can you grieve when so much is left unsaid?  How can I mourn a loss when I am focused on maintaining employment and wishing I could just win the lottery so my parents can retire, my sister's student loans can be paid off, and my debts paid so I can stop fretting about it so I can focus on what really matters.... my family.  

I also find it interesting he states this has been highly publicized from the beginning.  In the five years we did not make public to protect the girls we struggled for our voice to be heard.  We were ignored and classified as a nuisance.  We were type cast as being unable to "let it go".  Told by so many that we needed to "get over it."  

From the time my sister died to the day my brother-in-law was arrested my family dealt with the following hardships:

- Law Enforcement ignoring us.

- Prosecutor ignoring us.

- All levels of government from Local to State to Federal ignoring us.

- My mom transitioned jobs.

- I was let go from my job, "since your sister died you are not the same person."

- My dad lost his job.

- My little sister lost her job.

- We gathered information filing for grand parenting time and lost. (We did not divulge that there was a case regarding my sister's death)

- We gathered information and won the Wrongful Death suit yet no funds from settlement awarded was ever received.

- We spent first 2.5 years having my nieces and my brother-in-law's new girlfriend's daughter almost ever weekend.

- Sent numerous emails to anyone within every level of government seeking assistance.

- Having case transferred from local jurisdiction to Michigan State Police and having a total of 4 different detectives "work" the case.

- Sought out attorneys for them to decline our request.

Our hardships are not unique but for our family it has been long tough seven years to get to sentencing.  There were lulls between employment when we lost our jobs that took its financial tolls on us.  All but we continued to work towards our goal to protect my nieces and obtain justice for my sister.

Controlling the narrative isn't just about telling us not to speak while you shout what a fantastic job your department did.  Controlling the narrative also means highlighting breast milk in the freezer saying it was discovered five years after death.  The fact is we had been very vocal about the breast milk evidence.  We saved it.  Samples were obtained by local law enforcement within six months of her death.  State police were unaware of the evidence previously obtained.  They thought they were the first to request it.  When we say there is an issue with investigation from the beginning it isn't because we lacked the evidence and were upset the case became "cold".  No, we really mean there was a problem and no one was stepping in to correct it.  The case did not need to take five years.  I sat through the whole trial and learned nothing new.... not a thing.  This means all information used to convict him was available to them within 3 months of her death.  

Controlling the narrative allows you to hide all of the facts and point out the minute details you want highlighted to retell the truth in you best light.

I have anxiety over the ABC 2020 Fatal Flaw episode that will air.  I was warned that as a general rule ABC is pro-law enforcement.  

I want to be clear... I am not Anti-Law Enforcement.  I have worked side by side with undercover officers who I trusted with my life.  I appreciate their efforts and those men and women who take their path to serve and protect to heart I appreciate every day.

I am aware that in ever position there are those who do not have the proper training and even those who end up in careers that can be put in positions they have no business being in.  My sister's case is the perfect example of local law enforcement lack of experience, training, and unwillingness to ask for help.  Unfortunately, it is also the example of inability to admit faults, unwillingness to apologize and simply lack of effort to protect and serve.

The way to cover up all the flaws is to Control the Narrative and further traumatize the family who are "grieving" by continuing to silence them which does not allow for closure.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Thursday was a day of anxiety for me.  There are things you do for a funeral that are just regular everyday things but because of the event it adds more pressure causing more anxiety.

I have had quite a few funerals in my lifetime.  Each had their own obstacles and the impact was different.  Many people, my mother included, did not have many elderly family members to warrant so many events at a younger age.  

My mom while both of her parents were one of seven children each has caused my grandparents generation to have a large number of events as they grew older.  My mom's grandparents however were gone while she was younger.  My father on the other hand, his parents were an only child and the oldest of three.  Although, when he was born he had three living grandparents that didn't pass until I was in middle school and in college years.  

Having so many living elderly makes one to two days of viewing at the funeral home and the service the day following  exhausting.  Unfortunately, we as a family have become well versed in funeral home etiquette in 2002.  That year, my Grandpa H. passed in January, my Great Aunt's mom passed in March, my Great Grandma passed in May, and then I personally had other friends and acquaintances pass so that year alone I attended seven individuals funeral services.  I felt like I lived at the one funeral home that year.  

Throughout the years, as of 2014, we have had many of my Grandpa's siblings pass.  While my sister was on maternity leave we attended a funeral service for our Great Uncle.  I remember she and I commenting on the difficulty as it was the first service we had attended in that specific funeral home in that specific room since our Grandpa H.'s funeral. 

My sister never reacted well at services.  There was always worry her anxiety would inevitably cause a spectacle.  I then out of total embarrassment would try to excuse myself as to not cause further disturbance.  I was always on pins and needles watching her every move just so I could do the polite head nod, subtle wave, and mouthing sorry as I exit the situation with whatever was left behind.

One thing I have always fretted over is... what to wear.  I mean I don't ever have a closet full of black clothing.  It is also extremely difficult to find clothes that fit my body type.  You know the type the apple belly, no hips, no butt, no chest, and legs that cannot hold up crew socks... yeah where is my anthem.  I don't hear anyone singing, "Apple belly jeans, ankle boots with no fur cause nobody's lookin' at her."

Well, not only did my little sister and I have to find something to wear we were asked pick out an outfit for our sister.  I was definitely not prepared for this request.  I mean to be honest my older sister took from my closet often and so it wasn't an issue of what size because I knew all of that.  My issue running through my head is what outfit would she want everyone to see her wearing the last time they see her. 

I had never thought about things like this until my last conversation with my Great Grandma in 2002.  She showed me the homemade afghan blanket and the white night gown she had chosen.  She told me these items were chosen because she wanted everyone to see she was ready for her final resting place where she would wait for my Great Grandpa to come find her.  

My sister was not one for night gowns.  The three of use girls wished my Grandpa H. had been dressed in his version of dressing up which meant his KMart blue jeans and his crisp navy Binford Tools t-shirt.  My Grandma H. opted that he wore a suit.  To this day we believe that suit was not originally owned by him.  Now my sister and I had to figure what our sister was going to wear.  Our sister was an oversized t-shirt and cutoff jean shorts while being barefoot kind of girl.  

We spent the day hitting up the plus size stores finding clothes for ourselves, our mother who was working, and our sister.  She was barefoot not that anyone would know because that side of the casket was closed.  We found black dress pants and we settled on a top from Dress Barn.  We had to purchase undergarments and all.  

I still feel like society should normalize dressing as you would everyday.  I know the style of top, the store I bought it from and everything.  When I think of my sister I think of oversized t-shirt, cutoff jean shorts and barefooted with her hair either in a bun or down.  

The rest of the day was spent with my dad finalizing the video slideshow presentation to be played during the viewing.  This was hard as assembling it meant gathering every photo in a short amount of time. Scanning it to then have my dad piece it all together.  He included home video clips and to this day I believe I have only seen the final product one time.  

There was a lot of emotions and we also had obtained the cloned phone so I was prepared to return the original phone to my brother-in-law.  I knew he would be asking me for it as he already mentioned it at the flower shop the day before.  I told him I was still working on getting the pictures off of it.

My dad had left multiple messages with the local detective.  With the viewing schedulesd for Friday and service Saturday it left only a few "business hours" left.  We knew she was scheduled for cremation following the funeral service. We wanted to make sure the detective and medical examiner's office were fully aware.  We wanted to give them every opportunity to collect any and all evidence they may need before it would be unable to them.

Yes, I said that but I will say it again... We wanted to give them every opportunity to collect any and all evidence they may need before it would be unable to them.

How many families do you know are choosing funeral attire, assembling funeral slideshow, cloning a cellphone and leaving voicemails that are not being returned to verify any and all evidence the body can provide is collected?  My guess is none... and I would not have ever imagined it would be us doing it.

I have struggled writing about Thursday 

In part due to my anxiety about this Thursday, July 28th.  My sister's story will air on ABC 2020's Special Presentation @ 10pm est Fatal Flaw episode 4 Secret in the Freezer.  We have not seen any portion of the episode and only know our view point from the day we interviewed.  I am nervous as to the angle the story can be taken.  Also please note, this is considered News therefore we were not compensated for telling our story.

I know no matter how the story is told to fit the shows theme the truth is being told by me right here.  Up next is the viewing... boy is there a lot to discuss about that.

To be continued...

Amaysing Thoughts 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 - part 3

My little sister and I on the edge of our seats anticipating my parents what seemed like slow walk into the house.  I wanted an exact play by play of everything that happened at the police station.

I am like my mother in the sense for me to retell a story I tend to start from the beginning or what appears like irrelevant explanation but when all is said and done you have a clear picture of everything that transpired and why.  My dad on the other hand is the get to the point which usually starts with "a couple of things" and if there is a secret or something unexpected he starts with that first.

When my dad walked in he dropped a bomb but since I feel that I need to explain all that transpired before I divulge that.

My parents met with the city detective.  For the record he was newly appointed to this position.  The 20 year Chief of Police retired August 15, 2014.  The detective at that time was made Interim Chief.  The city limits had not had a murder in over 50 years.  This means we had zero experience.

The detective stated we needed to gather any evidence we could and to document everything.  Little did he know he was telling the family that does this gor everything they do.  From planning weddings, to scrapbook fundraisers, to college planning, and up rooting our family so many times we have photographs, spreadsheets, receipts, and document everything.  We have collectively done enough research between the 3 Associate degrees, 3 Bachelor's degrees, and 2 Master's degrees earn by the four of us that given this instruction was said but already being practiced.  As I already had her Facebook backed up on my computer which included her Messenger and photos.

The Detective said he would go through the report and look into it.  He said he would have to wait for the Autopsy to do anything because it could back that she died of natural causes.  He said he would communicate with the Medical Examiner and just know if the cause has to wait for toxicology it could take months before we had it back.

He gave my parents his card and said to reach out if we had any more information.  Then he said the most important detail we had learned thus far.  The thing my dad came in the house saying first and my mom saying, "James" because she had wanted to lead into this detail.

The detective asked my parents, "Are you aware that his (my brother-in-law's) siblings had been in this morning with similar suspicions?"

I was dumbfounded... What!?  His younger brother and sister went to the police department while we were at the flower shop knowing my brother-in-law would be busy and wouldn't happen to drive by the department and see them there.  The police department is located on the corner of Main st. and a busy road which happens to sit across the street from a busy grocery store parking lot, not far from my brother-in-law's home.  Mind you the city limits is one square mile so everything is within a short distance.

Seriously though, they thought he was the cause of her death, also.  How do you say or ask them without leading on that you agree?  I am close in age to his brother we actually were the only two in our siblings wedding.  It was my sister, my brother-in-law, and then us as best man and maid of honor.  He was first in family to go to college since my brother-in-law did not go.  I was first since my sister did not finish a semester.  I have always felt like we were similar in being the middle of three as well.  How could I get information without saying, "I know where you were Wednesday, now tell me what you know?"

This is such a web and when it comes down to it my sister is gone.  I still had to go through pictures and get them ready for my dad to make a video for the funeral.  We had a lot to do in a short amount of time.  I am now trying to figure out how to obtain information without being obvious.  For someone who is not a liar and who finds it easier just to say what is on their mind this was going to be difficult. We had one more day before the viewing which was scheduled Friday and the Mass funeral on Saturday.

To be continued...

"Observe, record, tabulate, communicate.  Use your five senses.  Learn to see, learn to hear, learn to feel, learn to smell, and know that by practice alone you can become an expert."  - William Osler

Amaysing Thoughts