These are the moments I struggle with the most. I am a fretter, overthinker, full of anxieties and fear. To reduce all that I am a planner. My planning prepares me so I can have a sense what I need to do at all times. My planning stage can last seconds, minutes, hours, days, all the way up to years. I set goals, I focus on tasks, all to help reduce all of my unfavorable traits.
I could not plan for September 29, 2014 and the abruptness of my Dad's phone call telling me to, "Leave work and Come Home Now." Just like I could not plan for April 13, 2024, when I was woken up, told to go outside and Steph saying, "It's Dad, he's gone."
I could not plan for these heart shattering moments. I instantly had to suck up all my raw genuine reaction because there is work to be done. With Christy it was, "Where are the girls?" With Dad it was, "I need to get to Mom." I had to plan, prepare, arrange, and it all kept my feelings and my emotions to the last item on the to do list.
As more things occur, my feeling and emotions are always the first to be pushed back. My reaction, my emotion, my feelings are that... mine. No one wants to see me at my raw self, not even me to be honest. There are so many feelings pushed back because I have tasks to complete.
When you live life through a plan emotions are reduced due to the thoughts you had ahead of time to prepare. It is when unplanned events happen that emotion has a field day and things become chaotic.
When I was little, my little girl self planned for when I grow up...
My list included -
1. Be a Nurse
2. Marry a Lumberjack Doctor Swimmer (the trifecta)
3. Have 2 sets of Twins - 2 Boys older than 2 Girls
4. Raise my Kids without them having to move all over so they felt they belonged
5. Live Happily Ever After
I failed myself in this plan because I didn't consider alternatives to these plans.
1. Be a Nurse - I did not prepare for Test Anxiety causing me issues resulting in not passing by 1.1%
2. Marry - I am asked out to lunch by a manager/coworker and we were Married two and a half years later (not the trifecta rather the first person to take me out of a FriendZone)
3. Kids - Not happening naturally, go to Doctor who won't help medically. Still maintain hope until Age shows itself around 38 yrs and you know there is no more What If...
4. Home - purchased home for family to grow into with four bedrooms but no little baby I created will ever live there
5. Happily Ever After - see 1-4 and know this is no fairy tale.
My plans all fell through. My decisions after plans fell through were quick and flawed. For instance, I decided I would stay working at the Credit Union when Nursing was no longer an option. I would still be there if they hadn't fired me. The Executive Vice President/HR (an only child) told me, "When your sister died, you changed." My thought was if I didn't change then that means I didn't love her as much as I did.
Another example for a plan not working out is divorce. It is for the best but it should have been done years ago. I was too focused on my commitment and honoring my vows to see how I needed out of obligation for my own well-being. When I commit to something I stand by that. I have morals and core values but once I realized those things were being used against me to hold me in my marriage and that I alone was the only one honoring those vows I had to let myself be free. I am willing to accept the truth good, bad, or ugly. I am accountable for all my faults and disclose them freely. I am honest to a fault and do not lie. What you see is what you get. I only have one face and it is always makeup free unless I am in a wedding or filming (yeah that happened).
When you plan, you prepare but when the unplanned happens all you can do is make the best decisions you can in the moment and hope things work out.
At some point your emotions can no longer be the last item as the longer they are undealt with the bigger they are. Emotions are complex and can compound causing total chaos physically and mentally. I pushed so many things back to focus on planning ahead and tasks that I personslly was a shell. I was going through each day but not living. It wasn't until I finally decided I cannot live in a negative space hoping for help and constantly being disappointed. I was giving opportunity only to need to have just done it myself.
I finally realized giving opportunity was just setting myself up for disappointment and failure. I am able to plan and manage, when I am not having to hope I can rely on others. I don't have to stand by my commitment or vows alone. They are a two way street and a marriage cannot be held together by one person's commitment and beliefs. I can be happier and know I stood by my vows. I may have been the one to react, to take an action, and decide to divorce. Understand my action was based on many things. I tried to come to terms, attempted to see if there could be resolution and I even considered things outside the box. In the end, I chose myself, my life, the life of my kids, and that was the hardest choice for someone who puts themselves last.
My biggest take away is, if I am the type that I put myself last then the opposite is someone who always puts themselves first. At some point, if you are always last you will break and I was almost there. Multiple therapist discussed they were seeing me on a path to a full mental breakdown. Considering my past unmanaged trauma this makes sense. It was scary to hear knowing I have two kids to raise and if I couldn't be there for them that would hurt my soul.
I have found that people say I need to ask for help but that exact thing caused me so much mental anguish. When you ask and are told, yes, but the other person's intent is never to actually do it that is where my brain has issues. If I ask and you say, No, fine I will do it myself. If I ask and you say yes, or later and yet hours, days, weeks, even years go by and it doesn't get done why couldn't No have been said to begin with. My therapist says I cannot expect help. I need to lower expectations even if that creates more work for myself.
Well then for those who see me struggling and say I need to ask for help just know I have tried that path and it didn't work out. I will just be doing the best I can to self-manage and deal with it alone. I am not saying that bitterly but more matter of fact.
I can only control myself so that means if my plans fall short I can only blame myself. I can give myself grace and I don't lie so I can trust myself. I am the same person I have always been. I would rather see the positive than negative. I think of the negative to prepare against it. I care whole-heartedly and will help whenever needed. Due to the abrupt loss of my sister and now my dad, I know we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I will tell you, I love you, just so I know you know my feelings as if tomorrow won't come. I am selective with my circle of people so if you are in it know I love you, I am fine, and if you need anything just ask. Right now I am juggling chaos but I will do my best to take care of everything I just may need to adjust my plan.
Amaysing Thoughts
No comments:
Post a Comment