Monday, September 29, 2014 - Part 5

Before I start... check out the pegged jeans, Z Cavaricci shirt, acid wash jeans, jean jacket, leggings w/ baby doll dress top, spiky side ponytail, and even serious Attitude... this picture has it ALL!!! Ok now on with the reason I am really here.

When someone dies there is an unwritten rule of communication.  Those who are aware when it happens notifies those who want or need to know it happened.

When the unwritten rule is ignored people get hurt.  No one can understand the relationship or impact an individual has on another.  So it is responsibility of those who receive the information to reach out to others just to inform.  

I have seen the rule broken, and the hurt that some felt when they weren't informed.  When someone does not consider it their responsibility to inform anyone it is causes a ripple affect that cannot be undone.  Imagine being the one who didn't know only to see it on your Facebook or finding out weeks, months or even years later.  When someone chooses not to reach out to their network of family and friends it can cause a person to miss out on an opportunity to pay their respects to that loved one.  Some people need that closure or simply want the opportunity to say goodbye.

Now I know this isn't always the case.  There are those relationships or acquaintances that seeing it on social media is acceptable.  I just want to point out that there are those who deserve the respect to be contacted personally to inform them rather than scrolling through their newsfeed, seeing the obituary scroll on the news, or having a conversation a year after and saying "oh they passed away last year.  I thought you knew."

Reality doesn't have rewind so follow the unwritten rule because those we love and those they love deserve more than a notification on a cell phone only to find out some passed away.

That all being said my parents were fielding family calls which is a huge ordeal.  You see my parents may each only have one sibling but my mom's side her parents each had seven siblings.  That doesn't even count my sister's dad was one of eleven.  While they were dealing with those calls I was asked to touch base with her friends.

My older sister always had a small close group of friends.  When I was given the task to reach out their were three significant people that impacted her life and I knew deserved more than a random scroll through Facebook.  

The first for me was the hardest he was the boy the three of us girls crushed over.  The boy at the lake whom my sister met at age 8 and who would become her penpal.  They kept in touch through North Carolina, Missouri and finally when we returned to Michigan.  My sister's heart kept a special spot reserved for the boy at the lake.  I private messaged him knowing he too would have difficulty with the news.  He read my post and offered kind words but I felt horrible to have to deliver this news. 

The second person was also difficult.  My sister had a best friend she met at her first job.  She worked at KMart and he went to the rivalry school that happened to be my mother's alma mater.  I knew this too would be random but they were close throughout their teens.  He was always around.  I too had a relationship near and dear to me from 8th grade until I got married and he ended up moving away.  You know how grade school you learn about similes comparing two things.  Well my sister is to the boy from KMart as I am to the boy at the theater. (Even though the boy at the theater and I were friends long before we both worked there.)  I opted again too to private message and let him know I would inform him of arrangements when they were made.

The final person I knew would be the hardest for them.  My sister had one best friend that she had kept in touch with from working at Little Caesars.  They had been close and communicated even when her friend moved out of state.  Her friend had just recently moved back to Michigan.  My sister was so excited yet she ended up moving up north.  My sister said at least they were in the same state.  I again sent private message.  

Then my phone is ringing and I am speaking with her.  I step outside so I don't get sensory overload with all the commotion in the house.  I don't have many answers for her.  She is a probation officer so when you get a line of questioning in such a manner of fact way it is hard to deal with when you don't have any facts.

She is asking, where was my brother-in-law when it happened, where are the girls, did I know about their relationship, do I know about my brother-in-law's activities... the list could go on and it was rapid fire.

I told her the information I knew from the morning.  The girls were with us for the evening and beyond that we do not know.  Yes, I was aware of my sister's relationship issues.  Yes, I was aware of this inappropriate relationships online.  Then I asked my own question... asking what about his past activities.  

She proceeded to tell me that last summer my sister found my brother-in-law and his best friend doing (insert hard drug name here... let's say Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz movie comes to mind) on their back porch.  My sister kicked his best friend out and told my brother-in-law his friend is never allowed back.  My sister was not going to allow that kind of thing to happen ever again. "She told him never again or else we are out of here." My brain was doing flip turns trying to keep up. 

I said to her my sister would never do hard drugs... ever.  She said no she never witnessed it nor did my sister ever speak of it.  She clarified the most she ever witnessed a wine cooler but even then she just preferred water or her Gatorade.  Now that was my sister all day... water or Gatorade if it were hot make it a Slurpee. I still couldn't comprehend catching them.  I am anti cigarettes and will give you all the reasons to Just Say No.  To catch your spouse though... I couldn't fathom this information.  I told her I would touch base when I knew about arrangements.  She said she would look through her messages with my sister for anything she could see from the past week or so.  She ended the phone call saying, "If it isn't natural causes it is Him."

I went back into the house now completely exhausted like I just swam a series of 500m on decreasing timed intervals.  I relayed everything that was said to me.  The consensus was that we all needed sleep.  Too many things for all of us to deal with and it was late.

What was known is the next day mom had to meet my brother-in-law and his mother at the funeral home.  I was planning to go to work yet I had not voiced this to anyone.  I knew that the credit union only allowed for three days for a sibling bereavement so I was going to work.  My little sister was staying at my parents as were the girls so I went home to sleep in my own bed.

I laid there exhausted unable to sleep... is this real... this can't be real.  Spetember 29, 2014 has played loop in my head for 7 years.  Finally my thoughts about that day are out... mind you not all of them because seriously I would be here typing forever if I put them ALL down.  The trauma of the last 7 years goes beyond the first day...so I must go on.

Before the sun was up and before I am ever up my phone rang...

To be continued...

aMAYSing Thoughts 

Monday, September 29, 2014 - Part 4

I was struggling.  Struggling to find answers.  In the medical world you gather information such as signs and symptoms, test results and other data.  All that information leads to finding a diagnosis for your issue.  This I comprehend.  I love science and when I graduated high school I went to Mott Community College for 5 years attempting to obtain Associate's of Applied Science and becoming a Registered Nurse.  As stated previous, I have anxiety and my test anxiety is horrible.  I was unable to continue with the nursing program by 1.8% the first time.  I then took whatever classes they required and my second attempt more than a year later resulted in my inability continue by 1.1%.  I received an overall grade of 78.9% and I needed an 80% to continue.  Knowing my two labs and clinical were all three passing with flying colors but the only grade that went towards the percentage was the lecture which consisted of a MidTerm and a Final.  So the average of two test scores for someone with test anxiety can be the difference between a nurse and a mortgage auditor.

That being said,  I still love science and medical world it is something I am interested in and understand.  I could not understand how medically speaking my sister did not wake up.  I worked with someone at the movie theater who had passed away in his sleep.  He went to Cedar Point, sn amusement park in Ohio, and rode roller coasters for the first time.  When he returned home he went to sleep and his brother heard him coughing through the night.  By morning he had passed away.  His brother did not know his coughing was a result of his lungs filling with fluid.  No one in his family even himself were aware he had an enlarged heart.  The stress of the roller coasters were too much for his heart to handle and he went into heart failure causing his lungs to fill with fluid.  

I knew my sister didn't have the same issue simply because she loved roller coasters and the thrill they provided her.  I knew she was four months post-partum.  The normal window from complications are within 3 months post-partum. This was her second c-section.  The first she had complications.  Her incision site on the outside healed so you would think that is a good thing.  Then in the very center of the line she noticed something.  She thought it was a pimple.  She scratched it to discover infection.  She ended up going to her doctor to find underneath the entire incision line there was a tunnel of infection.  The doctor determined instead of reopening her incision, removing the infection and reclosing the wound to heal again he would only open the incision line roughly 1 inch.  Then she would need to have medicated gauze packed into her wound daily as it slowly healed.  The important part was the inch had to stay open during this process.  My sister did not trust her husband to do this for her.  She instead asked if I would do this.  I would do anything for my sisters so I went in learned the process from the wound care clinic and then it began.  I saw my sister everyday which also meant I saw her first born everyday and my brother-in-law everyday.  I literally stuck a stick to the medicated gauze throughout the incision line without hurting her and being very mindful to keep a clean surface.  She healed slowly and it was over six months of the process.  By then the baby was attached to me and I her and so I maintained my daily visits.  It gave my sister a break so she could get things done and know the baby was in good hands.  Her scar tissue was extensive not because of me but because of the process in general.  I knew her most recent c-section the doctor removed that scar tissue and corrected any issues she had due the first c-section.  She healed so well after the new baby that I knew it was not a post-partum issue. 

My sister was diagnosed as bi-polar but she was never... I mean NEVER suicidal.  Her lows were depression but never with an intent to end her life.  She had a relationship when she was late teens/ early twentys.  That relationship was unhealthy and there was a lot of manipulation which resulted in mental health hospitalization.  Those situations were not because she was going to do something to herself but rather her manipulation to obtain access to him.  Once she was out of that relationship nothing like that happened again.  We never even discussed that situation the rest of her life simply because it was a not worth mentioning ever again.  We all knew it was not true intent.  I knew my sister would never do anything to herself.  Especially since she had her baby girls.  She would never leave them

So I had ruled out post-partum and suicide.  I knew she did not have extenuating medical condition that would warrant not waking up.  Her doctors appointments had all been good.  So what could cause this?  What are the signs and symptoms I am not thinking about?

Sitting in the room with my closest family and friends I posed the question on my mind.  I had been searching for the answer since my dad called me at work that morning. 

I asked "What is everyones conspiracy theory?"  My mom was the first to respond.  She said, "I think he did something to her."  Others started chiming in agreeing and elaborating thoughts.

My brain was swimming... I was expecting ideas that would increase my signs and symptoms to help lead me to a diagnosis.  Are they seriously implying there is no medical cause of death but rather something done to her to cause the medical issue resulting in death.  As my mind was swimming I know the conversations in the room were continuing without my attention being on them.  This is when I felt the nudge.  The nudge of my best friend taking me out of my thoughts and bring me back to the room.  

Then my best friend said, "Well since we are talking conspiracies I guess I should bring this up."  You see my best friend and I are mirrored families.  We are both the middle of three girls. Our older sisters graduated together and our younger sisters graduated together.  The difference is she is a year older than me.  We have this common bond because the sister dynamic is so similar.  She does have the rebellious nature my older sister has and I do have some tendencies of her older sister but for the most part we are best friends because we get each other to our core.  

She said she told her sister and her sister sent out a message to her church prayer circle.  It had gotten back to her sister that someone said their granddaughter knew my sister and said she thinks her husband did it and doesn't know if she should go to police.  We all started to break down the specifics and determined that it was my brother-in-law's sister's girlfriend that was the granddaughter.

Now we have someone on his side of the family saying he had something to do with her death and my mom along with everyone else in this room thinking it also. I have been focused of medical diagnoses all day.  I still wish I could see her face something was nagging me all day that if I saw her face it would answer my questions. 

It was the rooms consensus that mom and dad would need to go to the police with this as soon as possible.  Mom was nervous though simply because who wants to go to the police and say their child had died and her husband is who we believe is the reason for it.  My mom was asked to go to the funeral home the next morning but didn't have a time.  We also knew we had flowers and other arrangements.  The group of us ended the conversation with mom and dad would be going to police but when was still to be determined.

Throughout the day I had recieved numerous calls.  I was also making calls.  I had reached out to my sister best friend whom I didn't know personally.  She didn't live close but I knew I should speak with her even if my brother-in-law thought to first.  My phone was ringing and it was her so I excused myself and walked outside for some fresh air.  This was going to be a tough thing to do but when she started talking my brain was instantly swimming once again...

To be continued.

aMAYSing Thoughts 

Monday, September 29, 2014 - Part 3

Leaving for my parents house my mind was racing with everything.  I was panicking on how I was going to get my niece from school.  Under normal circumstances I would be fretting about the parent pick up line. I know my Grandma has social anxiety and she is the type to flee the grocery store because there are too many triggers for her.  I do my best to hide my anxieties but I am right at her level I just keep it in my head and talk myself out of giving into the flight instinct.

Once at my parents I got the instructions on how to pick up my niece from kindergarten.  She was attending my former elementary school but with my work schedule being "banking hours" I never had had the opportunity to pick her up before.  My best friend was going with me to make sure I was ok to drive and we got where we safe.  

We left my parents and arrived at the elementary school early so it was the first experience being in the parent pick up line which is loathed by most parents I know.  I on the other hand had so many thoughts.  My sister is gone, how is this going to work, my brother-in-law struggles with paying bill's with 2 incomes so how will this work with one, do I offer him to move in with my nieces so I can take care of the girls, I promised my sister her in-laws would not raise her hirls when the baby was born, how much longer, wait where should I take her, how do you tell a four year old who is too smart for her own good her mom is gone... and so on.  

My best friend tried to keep me in the right mind set and calm but even though I was talking to her my brain was a cyclone of scenarios, worry, fret, panic, and questions.  As we sat, I noticed my dad pulled in to parking spot.  The bell rang and kids started filtering out as my dad walked into the school.  My best friend said wait here as we inched through the line and then my niece is sobbing leaving school hand in hand with my dad.  I pull out of line and into the spot next to my dad.  He said the school called and said he had to come in to get her because there was confusion between bus and parent pick up.  

I gave my dad my keys told him to take my car home.  I hopped into the driver seat and made my way out of the lot with my niece still sobbing and it was just the two of us.  Okay, now I am on my own where am I going, what am I doing.  Picnic table it is a nice day.  Somewhere she will feel comfortable but won't necessarily know where she is.  Ok, got it... Richfield Park a pavilion... now I need to figure out why she is so upset.

My niece was crying that her dad told her she would never again be parent pick up and she had to ride the bus.  She was confused when teacher told her plans had changed.  That's my niece if it goes outside of her plan it is a problem.  She plans things ahead and catching her off guard is never a good thing even at four years old.

I calmed her down telling her I got out of work and wanted to pick her up.  Once she was calm I asked if she had seen Mumma today.  I will never forget her response.  She said, "No, she was at work." I said, "So you didn't see her at all today?" She said, " No, where are we going."  She had figured out we weren't going to her house, my house, or Grammy/Grampy's.  I told her I was taking her somewhere because I had to tell her something.  

I was unsettled by how she said her mom was a work.  It was the way she said it.  She hesitated and then said work.  I personally believe my super smart niece realized she remembered seeing her mumma's car at home and the van so that meant she could not have been at work.  I can't confirm this but my intuition tells me that was the reason for hesitation and confused look when she responded to me.

I pulled into Richfield park and thinking... ok where to go.  I chose the path to the right knowing the playground equipment was in this direction.  I went to the first pavillion before the parking for the playground equipment.  I told Hailey we needed to go sit at a picnic table.  She asked to play I said after we talk.  I set her in front of me and now I was nervous.  She could remember this moment for the rest of her life and hate me from now on.  How am I supposed to do this?  Why was this happening? What is going on? Deep breathe... stop panicking she is four her attention span is nothing... just do it already.

I looked at her and said, "You know your mumma loves you very much and will forever."  

She said, "Yeah, I know she tells me that all of the times."

I responded, "Mumma did not wake up this morning so you will not be able to see her anymore."

She said, "Yes I will silly, I have pictures.  But what do you mean not wake up."

I said, "Mumma stopped breathing and you have breathe in order to live.  So you won't be able to see Mumma."

She said, "Can I talk to her?"

I said, "You know how you talk to God when you pray at church?" She nodded so I continued, "You will be able to talk to Mumma like that you just won't be able to hear her."

She sat a while and thought about it.  I asked if she understood and she repeated what I said.  I told her to climb on the table and come in front of me.  I said, "Auntie Trina will always be here so if you need to talk or ask questions I am always here." She said, "I know, can we go play now?"  I told her she had five minutes which she was happy since she was four so she got and extra minute she said.

We got to the playground and there was an older grandfather aged gentle with a little boy my niece's age playing on the slide.  My niece walked up to the man and said, " My mom died." I redirected her to the other slide and apologized profusely to the man as I didn't want my niece to confuse the little boy.  He simply looked at me told me it was okay and the offered condolences.  

When her time was up we got back into the car and I spent the drive to my parents explaining how you don't just blurt that out.  I also answered the many Why's she asked about the etiquette I was trying to explain to her.

I was mortified but I did not even use the word "died" when I explained her Mumma to her.  Again, the intuition was scream this just doesn't make any sense.  How do you just not wake up?

We got back to my parents who instantly were squeezing my niece extra tight.  They had already picked up the baby from daycare and arranged for her to stay the night at my parents.  My mom's best friend, who we grew up with referring to as Auntie came over with groceries.  Stuff to make sandwiches which was wonderful since none of us had time to think about food.  

We all made sandwiches and congregated in various parts of the house. My brother-in-law asked if we could get him new sheets for the bed when we asked it he needed anything.  I had a disagreement with him putting my foot down that my niece was Not going to school the following day as he didn't see why she wouldn't be able too.  

After she was settled down in her bed at my parents the adults all were in the family room.  The way the furniture was arranged we were sitting in a circle.  I was still coming up with dead ends trying to figure out an answer to my question, "How do you just not wake up?"

I decided I needed to pose the question to the group.  My Auntie/Uncle, my husband, my best friend, my parents, and my little sister all sitting there.  I said, "What is everyone's conspiracy theroy?"

To say I was not expected to hear the responses to my question is an understatement. I am still overwhelmed by them to this day.

To be continued.

aMAYSing Thoughts