Leaving for my parents house my mind was racing with everything. I was panicking on how I was going to get my niece from school. Under normal circumstances I would be fretting about the parent pick up line. I know my Grandma has social anxiety and she is the type to flee the grocery store because there are too many triggers for her. I do my best to hide my anxieties but I am right at her level I just keep it in my head and talk myself out of giving into the flight instinct.
Once at my parents I got the instructions on how to pick up my niece from kindergarten. She was attending my former elementary school but with my work schedule being "banking hours" I never had had the opportunity to pick her up before. My best friend was going with me to make sure I was ok to drive and we got where we safe.
We left my parents and arrived at the elementary school early so it was the first experience being in the parent pick up line which is loathed by most parents I know. I on the other hand had so many thoughts. My sister is gone, how is this going to work, my brother-in-law struggles with paying bill's with 2 incomes so how will this work with one, do I offer him to move in with my nieces so I can take care of the girls, I promised my sister her in-laws would not raise her hirls when the baby was born, how much longer, wait where should I take her, how do you tell a four year old who is too smart for her own good her mom is gone... and so on.
My best friend tried to keep me in the right mind set and calm but even though I was talking to her my brain was a cyclone of scenarios, worry, fret, panic, and questions. As we sat, I noticed my dad pulled in to parking spot. The bell rang and kids started filtering out as my dad walked into the school. My best friend said wait here as we inched through the line and then my niece is sobbing leaving school hand in hand with my dad. I pull out of line and into the spot next to my dad. He said the school called and said he had to come in to get her because there was confusion between bus and parent pick up.
I gave my dad my keys told him to take my car home. I hopped into the driver seat and made my way out of the lot with my niece still sobbing and it was just the two of us. Okay, now I am on my own where am I going, what am I doing. Picnic table it is a nice day. Somewhere she will feel comfortable but won't necessarily know where she is. Ok, got it... Richfield Park a pavilion... now I need to figure out why she is so upset.
My niece was crying that her dad told her she would never again be parent pick up and she had to ride the bus. She was confused when teacher told her plans had changed. That's my niece if it goes outside of her plan it is a problem. She plans things ahead and catching her off guard is never a good thing even at four years old.
I calmed her down telling her I got out of work and wanted to pick her up. Once she was calm I asked if she had seen Mumma today. I will never forget her response. She said, "No, she was at work." I said, "So you didn't see her at all today?" She said, " No, where are we going." She had figured out we weren't going to her house, my house, or Grammy/Grampy's. I told her I was taking her somewhere because I had to tell her something.
I was unsettled by how she said her mom was a work. It was the way she said it. She hesitated and then said work. I personally believe my super smart niece realized she remembered seeing her mumma's car at home and the van so that meant she could not have been at work. I can't confirm this but my intuition tells me that was the reason for hesitation and confused look when she responded to me.
I pulled into Richfield park and thinking... ok where to go. I chose the path to the right knowing the playground equipment was in this direction. I went to the first pavillion before the parking for the playground equipment. I told Hailey we needed to go sit at a picnic table. She asked to play I said after we talk. I set her in front of me and now I was nervous. She could remember this moment for the rest of her life and hate me from now on. How am I supposed to do this? Why was this happening? What is going on? Deep breathe... stop panicking she is four her attention span is nothing... just do it already.
I looked at her and said, "You know your mumma loves you very much and will forever."
She said, "Yeah, I know she tells me that all of the times."
I responded, "Mumma did not wake up this morning so you will not be able to see her anymore."
She said, "Yes I will silly, I have pictures. But what do you mean not wake up."
I said, "Mumma stopped breathing and you have breathe in order to live. So you won't be able to see Mumma."
She said, "Can I talk to her?"
I said, "You know how you talk to God when you pray at church?" She nodded so I continued, "You will be able to talk to Mumma like that you just won't be able to hear her."
She sat a while and thought about it. I asked if she understood and she repeated what I said. I told her to climb on the table and come in front of me. I said, "Auntie Trina will always be here so if you need to talk or ask questions I am always here." She said, "I know, can we go play now?" I told her she had five minutes which she was happy since she was four so she got and extra minute she said.
We got to the playground and there was an older grandfather aged gentle with a little boy my niece's age playing on the slide. My niece walked up to the man and said, " My mom died." I redirected her to the other slide and apologized profusely to the man as I didn't want my niece to confuse the little boy. He simply looked at me told me it was okay and the offered condolences.
When her time was up we got back into the car and I spent the drive to my parents explaining how you don't just blurt that out. I also answered the many Why's she asked about the etiquette I was trying to explain to her.
I was mortified but I did not even use the word "died" when I explained her Mumma to her. Again, the intuition was scream this just doesn't make any sense. How do you just not wake up?
We got back to my parents who instantly were squeezing my niece extra tight. They had already picked up the baby from daycare and arranged for her to stay the night at my parents. My mom's best friend, who we grew up with referring to as Auntie came over with groceries. Stuff to make sandwiches which was wonderful since none of us had time to think about food.
We all made sandwiches and congregated in various parts of the house. My brother-in-law asked if we could get him new sheets for the bed when we asked it he needed anything. I had a disagreement with him putting my foot down that my niece was Not going to school the following day as he didn't see why she wouldn't be able too.
After she was settled down in her bed at my parents the adults all were in the family room. The way the furniture was arranged we were sitting in a circle. I was still coming up with dead ends trying to figure out an answer to my question, "How do you just not wake up?"
I decided I needed to pose the question to the group. My Auntie/Uncle, my husband, my best friend, my parents, and my little sister all sitting there. I said, "What is everyone's conspiracy theroy?"
To say I was not expected to hear the responses to my question is an understatement. I am still overwhelmed by them to this day.
To be continued.
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