Brainwash

Brainwash

"I don't need to go to college, I can just get a job out of high school."

These are the adamant words of the 5th grader I hadn't seen in almost 2 years.  The same child who since starting preschool at age 3, chose to "play school" every waking moment. 

Her father took my constant messages and repeated them enough that she believed he originated them.  I am the one who cannot lie with a straight face so I just choose to never lie.  I have a lot in my brain to begin with; I do not need to track lies on top of it.  So my words are, "I always tell the truth."  He used to gain her trust when he cut me off.

Knowing my older sister's biggest regret was not following through with college he manipulated the events to make it seem she advocated that college wasn't necessary.  He completed a two year degree from a school that has since closed due to questionable lending practices.  He blamed the degree and school for his inability to find employment, but the real culprit was his choices at 18 years old, which left him with a felony, preventing him from being bonded for the positions he was applying for.  

Our family's message has always been that higher education leads to a wage you are comfortable with, enabling you to take care of yourself.  My grandma worked full time her whole adult life.  She contributed to the household, allowing for things like the lake house in addition to their home.

When I was little I was told the goal is to make enough money for all necessities.  You want to have enough left over so you don't have to worry if your check is going to bounce when you run to Kmart.  Now that translates to wanting to go where I want without my debit card declining.

His lies extended beyond education and money.  He told her that her mom just stopped breathing.  She died naturally and we don't know why.  He used her vulnerability to gain her trust even though she always did love her dad she knew when it came to certain things she sought out more trusted people.  

Her network was large and topping her trust were, of course mom, then Auntie Trina, and Grammy.  He took her most trusted people and brainwashed her to believe he was the only one who could truly be trusted.

In fifth grade, she did not trust me when I said college was a necessity.  Is it for everyone... no.  Though knowing how she expects to live, how her mom struggled without it, regretted it always, and to keep her brain engaged in healthy habits college is a requirement for her.

Her circumstances in life with her trauma vould lead her down some very dark paths.  My hope is to not let her circumstances define her.  She has work ethic, loves tasks, and enjoys the dopamine rush when she gets a good grade.  Let's focus her energy on that positivity and not allow her to get off track.

My dad joked my older sister when she grew up would never wear no name brands or settle for less.  Though sister's circumstances caused her to settle for some things she still only ate name brand food (Kraft Mac & Cheese, Campbell's Tomato soup, Gatorade not Kool-aid), wore Sketchers or Nike shoes and when she smoked it was Marlboro (no other brand would do).

Knowing her daughter was adamant in rejecting higher education, reversing the brainwashing has been a process.  Discovering Honor Roll, learning terms like Valedictorian, and groups like National Honor Society helped.  It established goals for her to work toward and maintain focus. 

Telling stories of my own experiences with test anxiety, honors courses, my own setbacks, and how I worked around it.  The fact I am a visual of someone able to provide for them but my niece sees my degree being an Associate is not a true accurate measure of my intelligence.  Knowing Grampy had a Masters as well as my little sister and her husband.  These are all motivating factors to help in reversing the brainwashed messages her father told her.

I have worried about those messages resurfacing.  My niece applied to 13 different Universities.  She received her first acceptance letter.  This is a huge relief.  Regardless of where she goes or what happens she has one acceptance.

She is going to college so that 5th grade voice can be silenced in my brain.  It happens to be the school that was her mom's number one choice and my little sister's alma mater.  I am hearing her dad's voice a little less.  Hurdle jumped now to get the younger niece on this track. She is in middle school and homework should not be expected stage of life.  At least she has her sister's example and not her father's words.

Amaysing Thoughts