Mental Noise

Mental Noise.

My brain is constantly thinking what I should do, could do, or should have done no matter the topic.

When in a chaotic busy place I have difficulty focusing and handling all the things happening around me.  People take my overwhelm as negativity rather than just having a hard time processing all the mental noise happening.

Sitting in a venue with 18 wrestling matches happening simultaneously with rounds totalling in the 80's per mat is A real life example of my brains thoughts.  

What others are hearing as constant whistling, commotion, and people everywhere you turn is how I feel at home with the girls on any given day.

During the 8 hour event the noise in my brain turns to a hum and my focus becomes sporadic.  So much happening unable to focus while some only experience this at an event like this, I feel like this most often.  

The girls are constant chatter, house noises, visual chaos that I don't have time or energy to manage and girls like any other kid will create the chaos but not clean it.

My environment is always overstimulating and it is exhausting.  Have me at an event that is overstimulating for a majority of other people it is beyond what I can manage.

I shut down.  Noise is no longer distinctive it is ominous.  Visuals are just like looking at blurry pictures just a sea of smudging colors.  Even my senses of touch cause me to feel enclosed, hot, and stifled.  As if, air is not circulating.  

I need space where I can breathe.  When I am with my nieces they are attached to me in every sense of the word.  Wanting to be my shadow or physically touching me in these environments which I just have difficulty managing.

In this commotion my thoughts still run rapid thought my brain.  What I need to do, should do, and want to do.  I appear like I am just observing the event but I could not tell you what is going on.  

I startle when spoken to because I am pulled back to reality.  My senses are screaming.  My niece wants to rest on my shoulder yet I just need space.  She sits back so I lean forward to keep our shoulders from touching.  She moves forward I lean back.  I don't want to do this dance but she gravitates to any touch which just makes me want to yell.

I don't yell as I know it is just me.  I am unfocused because of I am overstimulated but on high alert and edgy all at the same time.  It just seems like an oxymoron.  

I wonder what it is like to not feel this way in this environment.  How would it feel to be calm in chaos?

I think of swimming.  My events were a mixture of quiet and chaos.  When I would swim I would hear the buzzer to start and the roar of chaotic yelling would be instantly quieted once I hit the water.  I could refocus on my task, streamline, kick and get to the surface.  Once surfacing I could only hear the chaos when I took a breath.  Usually I had help with that as instead of mass chaotic nose it was a series of distinctive whistles I knew were specifically my mom (I could hear her call a mile away).  My big sister was pool side when she was at my meets and made sure I heard her Pull, Kick, Pull.  They provided me a focus through chaotic noise.

My other sport golf is considered a quiet sport but there is always distraction from others throughout the course.  I always line up my shot and then mentally center myself.  Closing my eyes taking a deep breath and focusing on wind rustling trees or a bird chirping in the distance. Upon opening my eyes I would begin my backswing and ensure I always followed through.

My sports required me to overcome my environment.  My sports had their distinct moments of quiet where I could focus.

Watching my nephew wrestle in this mass confusion of chaos is overwhelming.  These kids are able to focus on their movements, their opponents, the referee and it all happening with chaos everywhere, I don't comprehend how they manage.  

I had declined going to other events because in a high school gym there is no personal space.  An arena has individual seats but I was not prepared for 18 simultaneous events on repeat for 8 hours.

When I returned home I sat on the couch.  I turned on my mindless show of the moment (re-watching Deadliest Catch).  I realized half way through the episode I couldn't open my eyes.  I was still alert and listening to the show but my eyes wouldn't open.  Next thing I know my niece was asking to go on a walk.  Then I woke up and she was on front porch chatting with her friend.  It had been an hour.  

My body had enough and shut down.  I have been exhausted now two days later.  Yawning all day feeling my sleep isn't enough for me to kick this worn out feeling. 

The thought of doing anything makes me even more tired.  I know it will be about a week for my body and mind to calm due to the mental noise of the weekend.  I do not just bounce back and become energized.

My chaos is constant so exposing myself to extreme environments just is beyond overwhelming.  The girls are enough chaos for me on a regular.  They want to control and be in the know so I am not given time to just free think and plan as I am used to. 

I don't make choices because I don't have that luxury.  They control due to PTSD and trauma that if I just force my way would just cause epic issues.  I manage what I can but if I had my way my environment would be clean, calm, and reduce the visual chaos.  There wouldn't be yelling and swearing or the chaotic YouTube streams they watch.  I would have time to think, plan, and have order because I love organization and routine.

Anyone seeing my environment would not realize my borderline OCD habitual tendencies to my surroundings.  It is the mental noise that effects my environment as well as others lack of desire to manage their own chaos.

I wish for calm in chaos and overall reduced mental noise.

Amaysing Thoughts