When kid trauma clashes and over laps with adult trauma and attempting to work through the trauma to get beyond it is exhausting.
My big sister knew exactly what to say to get me to do whatever. She would say she would do my chores... dumb me, um we didn't have chores (Hello, McFly). That is a kid example but with her it didn’t stop in childhood. She would do things like tell me how much she spent on my birthday gift since mine was 3 weeks before hers. I would spend equal amount. Dang it her present to me seemed to be always be on backorder due to holidays or must have gotten lost in the mail.
This wasn't my trauma but was just an observation of my sister. I knew not to expect anything. I also learned it was much easier for me to provide for her so I didn't have to deal with negative consequences. Those being arguments over unrelated issues but the root core of issue was lack of getting a birthday gift.
I am straight forward. I say what I think and if I am not saying it that is because I am overthinking it. Usually, I am talking myself out of saying it or not bothering anyone. I can problem solve like no other. I cannot however understand how my sister and her girls brains work. I try to anticipate issues prior to them escalating but they seem to always deflect an issue with something I am so unprepared for I have a hard time maintaining control and not falling into the triggers.
This week has been chaos. From attorney appointment that made me so agitated to water issues with my Grandma's house and work feeling like a team of people attempting to copy my brains hard drive so they can try to do what I do. Reality is I know my work ethic, I am one of a kind, and they don't understand me 99% of the time so having the infornation won't help them they would have to replace with 3 people. This all happened Monday.
I was trying to move my thoughts through but since the divorce I don't have a person to just talk to well I did but I don't like feeling I am bothering people. My ex-husband didn't actuslly listen and fell asleep to my voice more often than not. At least there was the sense someone was there listening before snoring ensued.
Tuesday, my younger niece messaged me at 10pm when I thought she was asleep because bedtime is 9:30pm. I see she sent a hyperlink to a pair of high top combat boots with a 3 inch heel. Then she came to top of stairs saying, "Can we go to Ross for Less after school tomorrow? My response, "Um, girl that is a, No and go to bed." Eventually, the thirty minute meltdown of me telling her no, her saying why, her repeating that I never explained why in a way that makes sense to her, and refusing to go to bed she did finally go to her room.
Wednesday, I pick her up from school and she is asking if my mom is working. I said, "Yes, and you cannot call her to take you to Ross." Oh, that started the, "How did you know I was going to ask that? Why can't I go?" Eventually, I text her a picture of high top combat boot with 1 inch heel. That was the end of the world. "Why won't you let me be my own person? You hate me. Why do you hate me?"
This continues after we are home and I am clocked back in to work. She is relentless for an hour straight. Meanwhile, I am Working!!! I am hearing the same things repeatedly, having her throw things at me before storming out of office. I clock out at end of working. Sit on couch. Not even two seconds she is at top of stairs. Auntie Trina can we go to Ross now?
My brain... internally I start saying to myself. She has got to be kidding me. She had to remember what transpired two hours ago and legit she is acting like it is a new day and this is the first time she is making this request. When I was a kid... I knew not to push my mom after last night but this kid is relentless.
Back to reality. I say, "No, we are not going." Then the whys start and I attempt to nip it on the bud. Reiterated I am not buying 3 inch heel it is inappropriate for her age. I will consider something different but not today.
Then the.... Why do you Hate me? Why do you have to be such a *itch? It is just a pair of **cking boots!... in randomized order constant at full volume.
Ok, my mom gets on phone with her and it is more, "She is being such a *itch." "Why does she have to be a *ucking *itch?" Then the mic drop moment she said, "I have been wanting these for over a year and I finally ask for them and she says, No."
Listening to my mom's side on speakerphone. "I understand maybe we can compromise. Yeah, I understand." Not gonna lie it totally triggered me now I steaming and reacting. My mom calls me to tell me I need to stop I am not helping.
Cooling down I remember being at Ross a year ago. My older niece found a pair of Doc Martens while my younger niece found Docs and Nikes. I said you have to pick one and she chose Nikes. She was starting to meltdown about wanting both. I made her choose one. So, she has been sitting on that for literally a year.
My older niece said last weekend she didn't wear the Docs because they are too high. Then I remember my younger niece on Monday trying on her sister's Docs. She tried them on knowing the size 8 shoe would not fit her size 7 foot. Now because those are too big for her at this moment in time, she has to have something different because she decided she needs boots now.
My brain remembers so many things. I could describe to you so much detail related to that shopping day a year ago or other events throughout my life. I don't however have the girls and my sister's brain that saves information like this and uses it to get what they want later. That trip in hindsight was insignificant to the three of us but she fixated on the topic of boots and that meant drop everything go get her what she wants.
That little twist in processing information I have a hard time comprehending. I just do not understand. Being the safe person means more often than not I get the ugliest side of them while everyone else gets the good. It is exhausting.
Something as insignificant as boots can cause so much problem. As far as my niece is concerned, there is nothing to apologize for because she still doesn't own the boots she wants. Behavior is something there is no consequence for for my nieces. Adults who have total control of their children from birth do not comprehend this. It is not a matter of right or wrong. It is more often than not her survival mode kicking in and she often cannot tell you what transpired. When told what happens she only remembers her altered truths.
If you ask her now she will say I won't get her boots she has been asking for and wanting over a year. Is this reality, no. She was content with her choice. Now she watches Katseye videos and how they dress and wants to emulate what she sees. The boots she will have are not going to work so she has to have the alternative now. She was deprived of basic needs and wants while watching adults have over and above whatever they desired when she was with her paternal side. She is seeking to compensate for that by demanding her wants be met instantaneously. I cannot and do not meet her expectations because I am not made of money. I put theirs needs and wants above my own needs and it still is not notices.
It isn't about the boots really. It is an example of hurdles that make this whole process mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. It is unrelatable to most I know and it is not just a spoiled kids tantrum.
Amaysing Thoughts
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