I am who I am take it or leave it and to be honest many leave it. I spent my first ten years moving away from people. The next ten years having people move away from me. The last 20 years losing people or just growing apart.
There are many lessons learned and things I would have done differently when I look back. This past year feels as though I had no choice but to learn from my past mistakes.
When things happen outside of my control all I do is analyze, determine a goal, establish a plan, and execute that plan adjusting as needed until goal is achieved or of course realized it is a fail and move on to next goal.
I am methodical not impromptu. I like plans not seeing what happens. To many because of my rooted nature I am not fun, I am boring. I am the type that encourages you to go have fun while staying home so my brain can be calm. My fun is scheduled and timed accordingly.
Practical decisions are safe. This is how I look at all aspects. I am honest to a fault and have no issue admitting when I am wrong. I wish people to say what they mean and mean what they say. Even if I am ashamed I will admit fault, the only way to get rid of guilt is to admit my errors. I trust too freely. I assume people are honest rather than assume they lie.
My decisions are always thought through and must make sense to me. I must have factors to justify my decision. Little did I know the biggest issue in my choice of who I was marrying was truth. My decisions were based on all things I was being told were true. The saver being a saver, not a spender. The organized person at work was same as at home. I did not anticipate the false truths. The avoidance to admit fault, the unaccountability, and the hidden behaviors.
I was committed to my marriage and believed when I was told, "Things will change," that they would. I made necessary adjustments. Worked harder to ensure we had all our needs met and did my best to obtain the wants too.
My reactions to the problems were not ok. When I am frustrated I get loud. Receiving passive aggressive behavior and my need to be understood does not mix. To know I am understood requires acknowledgement which passive aggressiveness won't provide. I view everything as solveable. I don't like to think there is a problem without a solution.
When I consider my vows I did my best to live by each and every one. I never did anything to jeopardize trust. I also acknowledged not everyone is like me. I did my best to give opportunity after opportunity but I could not ignore that I was alone in the commitment. I tell the girls, "Good, bad, or ugly it doesn't matter. I cannot help what I don't know. I will be more upset if I have to discover things on my own verses being told about it upfront. In the end it will be better to be upfront with me than it is to have me stumble on secrets."
My marriage was only holding on by a thread. A single vow that kept me rooted in my commitment. Once that vow was in jeopardy showing me there literally was nothing for me to hold on too I knew I was done. There was no concern for the action until I addressed it. It was happenstance that I saw it. Another issue I discovered and wasn't expecting it. Nothing was sacred. I was made to feel as though an apology was enough to move forward.
The apology wasn't enough. Words spoken can never be erased. I attempted therapy. Couples therapy requires two active parties. Just like marriage requires two individuals committed to each other. I determined the effort, commitment and overall goal was one sided. I had no words as my actions never warranted questioning my commitment. Projecting and justifying action as a reaction to me did nothing but reinforce my decision. I did my best, made my decision over months of questioning myself. I am embarrassed, humiliated, upset, and yet I have to keep going.
I even considered ignoring my own pain of a failed marriage in order to prevent the girls from having more trauma. I determined the girls seeing me stay and being the only one committed to a marriage was equally as traumatic as ending my marriage. Although, happiness was a possible outcome with ending my marriage. I could not think of a way happiness out occur to stay in the marriage.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Nope, I don't need to add anymore shame on myself. I am hard on myself, set high expectations and goals for myself and when I fail I feel it. I don't need anyone else's help in making me feel shame.
I set basic boundaries open communication, don't lie to me, don't cheat (I include sexting/online relationships obviously since my sister's death aka trauma trigger), and oh yeah... don't lie... did I already say that?
I can't problem solve, help fix, or hell even just be supportive if I don't know. I shouldn't have to be a private investigator or accidentally stumble on behaviors and discovering lies. I also don't want to question communication with others and intentions due to hidden behaviors.
I took my vows seriously but I truly believe to stay in my marriage was the equivalent of self harm. I was abusing myself by holding myself to a standard that only I was committed to keep. I need to forgive myself for doing that for far too long.
The best thing I could do for myself and for the girls in the long run was to end my commitment. While it is difficult now it is all lessons that will benefit each of us later. Not only will I have the ability live without feeling paranoid or fear of what I am not being told. I no longer will have to stalk all my accounts and pray what I thought was there was still there. I will be able to show the girls while marriages can last like my parents, sometimes they may not last and that is okay. You either choose to do life together or apart. Not all marriages end due to death. Sometimes you choose life and end your marriage because that is what is best for you. Decisions of this magnitude are difficult but as long as you make an educated well informed decision it makes it easier for yourself in the long run.
Honesty is the best policy. Being honest with yourself can be difficult. Being honest alone is better than living a lie together. Maybe someday I will have the change to be honest with someone else but even if that never happens I will no long settle for living a lie.
Amaysing Thoughts
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