Depression, Anxiety, Chaos.... and Laundry?

Therapy asks hard questions.  Makes one think maybe in a different way.  Also, brings forward things that are often uncomfortable to discuss.

Having a 17 year marriage while it is nothing compared to my parents 40+ it is still a long time.  The things that happened in that time is significant.  While I realize my childhood and school years impacted me and shaped how I would be as an adult.  The last 17 years adulting have had their own impact on who I am as a person.

During my marriage I was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis.  Grew within my career in the financial industry.  Welcomed my best friend's second son.  I struggled with infertility while becoming Auntie Trina to 3 niece's and a nephew.  

I got and lost my first pet, Oreo, who chose me and she was the best dog.  Got my second pet, Mallomar (Mallie) and had to make the toughest decision to rehome her.  Got KC for the family whom my Uncle adored and visited daily.  

My weight fluctuated gaining after marriage.  In 2012, I lost 100 lbs, to then rebound and opt to have surgery in 2019 to lose and maintain since.  

I lost my Grandpa's remaining siblings which felt like losing a piece of my Grandpa every time.  Losing my Great Auntie Mar was significantly hard.  Not only was she the last sibling she and I were close as I spoke to her often and visited her weekly.  

I lost my paternal Grandparents which felt like an amputation of a half of me.  The place they lived was inherited and for me being so rooted in tradition and family it felt as though a part of me was lost for good no longer able to freely visit a place of peace and calm.  

I my sister was taken from me which of course was huge.  The next 10 years of marriage was directly impacted because I was forever changed.  The roller coaster of events regarded delayed justice, Guardianship of her girls, ensuring their safety, obtaining justice, and delayed grieving is significant as any single part.  

Then my dad's diagnosis of cancer only to have him pass two weeks later before any thoughts of treatment options could even be discussed felt like another just as sudden loss.  Unable to say goodbye.  I said as leaving mom and him in the ER, I love you, Dad, for him to be turned on his side facing away from me in pain and he did his hand lift wave while he was shaking his foot.  That was my final moment with my dad, had I known I wouldn't have ever left... ever.

Then there is situations and cannot be ignored forcing me to face the facts that I could not longer stay married.  It wasn't about acceptance but rather a decision regards my fundamental morals and ethics.  I can respect others for their own personal decisions while still holding true to my own beliefs.  I do not have to stay in a marriage that doesn't align with who I am spiritual and emotionally.  I can stand by my decision even though my vows were spoken with God and my church as witness.  Those vows were upheld by me but were never meant to imprison me in a life that did not align with my core values, ethics, and morals.  

That is a recap of my years in marriage.  Given those changes it is a lifetime of chaos.  While their were happy times there was significant events that caused much pain.  I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and managing chaos my whole life.  Adulting while doing it has been significantly hard.

My therapist asked why a task like laundry wasn't done weekly like "normal."  My response was, "Basic tasks can be the most difficult.  At one point, with my weight at its peak I physically struggled to carry a basic down the stairs safely.  Once that mountain is created it is difficult to manage or have the time needed to tackle it.  I was at the mercy of help and that wasn't given.  That was a rabbit hole of everything I am not doing ignoring everything I was doing."  Laundry seems easy.  It is a task I know and must be done.  There was a point I lived out of a duffle bag.  Clothes I kept track of that I kept near the bag and when I went up north I did my laundry so I knew I had clean clothes.  Am I around of this... no.  Is it evidence of my anxiety, depression, and chaos... absolutely.  

When I went downstairs the first time after separation I have a full blown panic attack.  It was evidence of a space I had not been and I had not managed where things were put.  Had I been the one it would have had equivalent stuff but there would have been space to move and more organization.  I am very methodical and walking paths are essential.  I literally removed a significant amount to stuff from the basement prior to obtaining a dumpster for the large items in the house.

Purging and going through my house is a like a time capsule.  It is reliving the last 17 years of trauma all over again.  Seeing the dreams and what they became.  The utter chaos and the evidence of someone just trying to survive.

It is difficult to face this massive obstacle.  It hurts and feels like open wound not because of a marriage lost no more of what I allowed myself to settle for.  Why did I not think I deserved love, understanding, and care?  This aren't just words but are verbs.  Verbs are actions.  Care is not just said it is thought of someone else and carried out in a task.  Doing something for others regardless of yourself.  I provide so much love, understanding and care for others and expect nothing in return.  Though why did I allow a life long commitment of receiving nothing in return.  I was given words not actions.  Hard lesson to learn when you have an 1800 sq ft house of chaos staring you in the face.  Just like my marriage this clean up is a solo project.  

Laundry is hard the mountain grows.  How do you tackle this?  You try to start only to find the dry won't dry after you tackled the washer draining issue so you can do a large load not just small loads.  Hurdles are meant to be jumped.  So how do you tackle the mountain with no dryer?  Weekly loads are manageable going to my mom's.  I am not just financing new appliances because I have a goal.  Main floor laundry when I refinance the house in my name alone.  

This mountain needs tackling... now.  Not realizing the weather forecast, I decided I will go up north to my Grandma's lake house.  I will load up a Traverse full of clothes and only focus on laundry.  I have this weekend available before I work Saturdays it must be now.  So I drove 2.5 hours in the icy snow for the normal 1.75 hour trip.  I unloaded the whole car into the living room.  I am 2 baskets down and I have been here 8 hours.  I did sleep through the dryer buzzer once but whose counting.  

The mountain will be tackled and a manageable laundry situation will remain.  This is YEARS in the making.  No longer living life in a single load that can be packed in a duffle bag.

While I get I am airing my dirty laundry it really is a huge step to admit my shame.  I knew better, know better, and am ashamed of what I allowed.  I do not wish this upon anyone.  I hope that my shame will be just a step forward in my process.  Alone in this is better than the chaos I allowed to control me.  I know better and hopefully am getting better.

I don't like alone, it is isolating and scary.  Some mountains must be tackled alone without judgement of others.  Maybe someone will accept the chaos and anxiety that is me.  But today I am alone, at the lake with all the memories and a mountain of dirty that is becoming clean one load at a time.

Wash, Dry, Fold, Repeat...

Amaysing Thoughts

Honest to a Fault

They say there are three sides to every story.  Your side, my side, and the truth.  Thing is my side and the truth go hand in hand.  I don't lie or say things just to appease others.  My side may be missing unknown factors or a different perspective but it is never with false information or malicious intent. 

I am who I am take it or leave it and to be honest many leave it.  I spent my first ten years moving away from people.  The next ten years having people move away from me.  The last 20 years losing people or just growing apart.

There are many lessons learned and things I would have done differently when I look back.  This past year feels as though I had no choice but to learn from my past mistakes.

When things happen outside of my control all I do is analyze, determine a goal, establish a plan, and execute that plan adjusting as needed until goal is achieved or of course realized it is a fail and move on to next goal.

I am methodical not impromptu.  I like plans not seeing what happens.  To many because of my rooted nature I am not fun, I am boring.  I am the type that encourages you to go have fun while staying home so my brain can be calm.  My fun is scheduled and timed accordingly.

Practical decisions are safe.  This is how I look at all aspects.  I am honest to a fault and have no issue admitting when I am wrong.  I wish people to say what they mean and mean what they say.  Even if I am ashamed I will admit fault, the only way to get rid of guilt is to admit my errors.  I trust too freely.  I assume people are honest rather than assume they lie.  

My decisions are always thought through and must make sense to me.  I must have factors to justify my decision.  Little did I know the biggest issue in my choice of who I was marrying was truth.  My decisions were based on all things I was being told were true.  The saver being a saver, not a spender.  The organized person at work was same as at home.  I did not anticipate the false truths.  The avoidance to admit fault, the unaccountability, and the hidden behaviors.

I was committed to my marriage and believed when I was told, "Things will change," that they would.  I made necessary adjustments.  Worked harder to ensure we had all our needs met and did my best to obtain the wants too.  

My reactions to the problems were not ok.  When I am frustrated I get loud. Receiving passive aggressive behavior and my need to be understood does not mix.  To know I am understood requires acknowledgement which passive aggressiveness won't provide.  I view everything as solveable.  I don't like to think there is a problem without a solution.

When I consider my vows I did my best to live by each and every one.  I never did anything to jeopardize trust.  I also acknowledged not everyone is like me.  I did my best to give opportunity after opportunity but I could not ignore that I was alone in the commitment.  I tell the girls, "Good, bad, or ugly it doesn't matter.  I cannot help what I don't know.  I will be more upset if I have to discover things on my own verses being told about it upfront.  In the end it will be better to be upfront with me than it is to have me stumble on secrets."

My marriage was only holding on by a thread.  A single vow that kept me rooted in my commitment.  Once that vow was in jeopardy showing me there literally was nothing for me to hold on too I knew I was done.  There was no concern for the action until I addressed it.  It was happenstance that I saw it.  Another issue I discovered and wasn't expecting it.  Nothing was sacred.  I was made to feel as though an apology was enough to move forward.

The apology wasn't enough.  Words spoken can never be erased.  I attempted therapy.  Couples therapy requires two active parties.  Just like marriage requires two individuals committed to each other.  I determined the effort, commitment and overall goal was one sided.  I had no words as my actions never warranted questioning my commitment. Projecting and justifying action as a reaction to me did nothing but reinforce my decision.  I did my best, made my decision over months of questioning myself.  I am embarrassed, humiliated, upset, and yet I have to keep going.  

I even considered ignoring my own pain of a failed marriage in order to prevent the girls from having more trauma.  I determined the girls seeing me stay and being the only one committed to a marriage was equally as traumatic as ending my marriage.  Although, happiness was a possible outcome with ending my marriage.  I could not think of a way happiness out occur to stay in the marriage.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Nope, I don't need to add anymore shame on myself.  I am hard on myself, set high expectations and goals for myself and when I fail I feel it.  I don't need anyone else's help in making me feel shame.

I set basic boundaries open communication, don't lie to me, don't cheat (I include sexting/online relationships obviously since my sister's death aka trauma trigger), and oh yeah... don't lie... did I already say that?

I can't problem solve, help fix, or hell even just be supportive if I don't know.  I shouldn't have to be a private investigator or accidentally stumble on behaviors and discovering lies.  I also don't want to question communication with others and intentions due to hidden behaviors.

I took my vows seriously but I truly believe to stay in my marriage was the equivalent of self harm.  I was abusing myself by holding myself to a standard that only I was committed to keep.  I need to forgive myself for doing that for far too long.  

The best thing I could do for myself and for the girls in the long run was to end my commitment.  While it is difficult now it is all lessons that will benefit each of us later.  Not only will I have the ability live without feeling paranoid or fear of what I am not being told.  I no longer will have to stalk all my accounts and pray what I thought was there was still there.  I will be able to show the girls while marriages can last like my parents, sometimes they may not last and that is okay.  You either choose to do life together or apart.  Not all marriages end due to death.  Sometimes you choose life and end your marriage because that is what is best for you.  Decisions of this magnitude are difficult but as long as you make an educated well informed decision it makes it easier for yourself in the long run.

Honesty is the best policy.  Being honest with yourself can be difficult.  Being honest alone is better than living a lie together.  Maybe someday I will have the change to be honest with someone else but even if that never happens I will no long settle for living a lie.

Amaysing Thoughts