Pain and Suffering

Pain and Suffering

This is often a phrase heard in court proceedings.  Most often it is followed by an eye roll as being a ridiculous claim or blatantly obvious it exists. 

When we were in our civil case pain and suffering was felt with the loss of my sister.  To not see her face light up with a smile, hear her voice regardless of her emotion, and just her overall presents was felt very deeply.  

From the moment we were informed of her death we were taking action.  We did as law enforcement advised and then some to ensure we were on a path to hold her husband accountable and to protect her girls.  

The four month old stayed with my parents until after her first birthday.  My sister's husband willingly allowed this and opted to pick the baby up from day care a couple nights a week but drop her off before dinner time.  He joked he was not interested in midnight feeding and managing her food source as my sister had a deep freeze full of breast milk.

I went to an attorney to figure out what I needed to do to ensure the girls safety and placement with me in the event he were arrested.  When he discovered this fact he was livid.  He made sure I was aware his feeling and he stated how, "Disappointed he was in me."  As if that could even compare to my feelings regarding him killing my sister.

In order to create consistancy for the baby, I went to my parents house every single day after work and on weekends.  I fed the baby dinner, had playtime, bath time, and I would put her to bed.  The baby responded and established an equal bond with my parents and I.  

This was noticeable when my parents went to Vegas and I took over the babies care until they returned.  It went seamlessly and she had not issues.  My sister's husband didn't even know my parents were gone.

After the baby's first birthday he realized he could use her for benefits as she was the only child that would qualify the house for WIC.  We were still diligent in our pursuit of justice for my sister but at this point police opted to stall out on the case.  Even with all the evidence obtained they simply kept the case Open/Active meaning they were not required to provide information via the Freedom of Information Act.  You can have a case file Open/Active but that doesn't mean the are doing anything with it.  It just sits on shelf.

The Detective told us when he gets information he files it.  As if the binder he created was at all doing anything other than getting dusty.  We fought to have multiple moves to get our case worked.  It took the Civil Case where we were awarded an uncontrollable settlement of $2,000,000.00. 

It was well known by all it was uncollectable.  He already had spent the life insurance which totaled $130,000.00.  He had finances everything leaving no equity.  

Pain and Suffering is a phrase I am faced with everyday.  The baby has not been parented and has spent her first 10 years bouncing from family member to family member.  No matter how I try to instill consistancy it is rejected.  She doesn't understand her anger regarding her mom's death who she doesn't have active memory of, her father and his girlfriends abuse while she was in their care, and spending the last five years bouncing around to caregivers.

Pain and Suffering is the pain she experiences trying to figure out her emotions and mood swings.  She is not only at a hard age for kids in general but unless you experience her life you won't understand.  Her uncontrollable outbursts are exhausting.  I am exhausted.  

I was asked today, if I am holding her actions against her as in holding a grudge?

My response was, "No, she didn't choose this any more than we all did.  She didn't ask for the years of instability.  Now that she is stable she is releasing all the pent up chaos she has been holding in.  This is not her fault.  I view this as the definition of Pain and Suffering based directly on law enforcement not proceeding with the case.  If they had she would have had a very different situation.  Maybe she wouldn't have bounce around at all.  We will never know.  I wish the Dectective could observe her behavior and u destiny that his lack of action 10 years ago created this Pain and Suffering today."

Holding law enforcement accountable doesn't exist but their actions have consequences even to the innocent and victims.  All evidence used was obtained by law enforcement less than six month from her death.  So tell me why it took our civil case to actually use the evidence and then basically say here this is what happened now do your job.  

Again, my parents retirement is gone to pay for civil case.  My Dad had no life insurance he was denied due to years of yo-yo dieting due to his sever depression mainly because he was the only one who saw his daughter laying on her literal death bed.  My dad passed away and it leaves a huge void. We feel it but you can see it in the girls.  Mentally, emotional, and physically they are not able to just move on.  As being the one taking responsibility for them I too cannot move forward.  Everyone else is done, guilty verdict, old news, job well done I you speak to the Prosecutor's office.  Unfortunately, they disregard and ignore what the cost of negligence to conduct a timely and accurate investigation is.  The negligence may be seen if you look at the girls.  Good days and bad days it doesn't matter.  They carry their trauma with them.  Being the responsible adult for them I have to manage it daily.  

Thank you to law enforcement for your negligence you made a traumatic difference in two girls lives and I hope you are proud and enjoy your pensions.

Amaysing Thoughts

Self-Consciousness, Self-Worth, & Self-Esteem

Self-Consciousness, Self-Worth, and Self-Esteem 

These phrases all have one thing in common which is Self.  Although, self  implies there is only one involved these phrases have a lot to do with factors generated outside one's self.

I am totally self-conscious and worry a lot about my impact on those around me.  I do not want to stand out and yet I often do so defense mechanisms often kick in to protect myself.  I would rather be thought of a quick witted and not overweight.  Kind and not bitchy (based on my resting bitch face). I would prefer to be seen as problem solver not overly critical.  

Working in therapy, I see where all the moves from state to state made me so self-conscious.  Doesn't everyone have a constant voice in your head correcting everything you do as you are doing it?  I literally am correcting my actions and behaviors based on my environment at all times.  There is no voice saying, "Don't worry about it you are fine, it is there problem."  No, rather it is constant corrections of my own controlled or instinctual actions that I am attempting to correct before anyone notices or before I even do it.  I am the only one I can control so I have learned that I must do so constantly to protect myself for un-necessary ridicule.  

Self-Worth is a value one places on themselves as a standard.  Again, I can only control myself so if there is issues or negativity surrounding me then I must be doing something wrong or need to do something more.  My worth is low because the value others place on me never measured up to my wants or needs.  

I was the girl who knew a lot of people but no one cared to know me.  When people don't care enough to know you then your value is pretty low. I have always been considered too smart for mainstream but not smart enough for achievement.   I am the girl who earned a academic varsity letter and wasn't invited to honors night to receive it.  It was on my chair at graduation rehearsal and I had to ask why I received it.  

I have lived my life in the middle figuratively and actually which causes your worth to never be quite good enough.  My older sister was a genius although struggled as an adult because she was rebellious.  My little sister has always been more creative and smarter than myself.  I have always considered myself as being lesser than both of them because that is simply the hand I have been dealt.  It is difficult to place high value on something that is mediocre.  Then again it is hard to place low value on something that isn't below par.  Self-worth can cause you to ignore your environment, your health, and other things.  If I am not worth anything to those around me why would I be worth anything to myself.  

Self-Esteem is the opinion you have of yourself.  I believe in making smart decisions so I research and base my opinions on facts.  The fact is I have been forgotten by many in my lifetime.  I have also been the source of many people's ridicule and laughter.  I am smart but what I don't know, I don't know and therefore I am naive.  I am not afraid to ask questions so that becomes a source for others to exploit.  I genuinely care for people, and have difficulty saying no when others ask me for help.  I am everyone's friend and yet no one's favorite person.  I view this fact as being the justification for low self-esteem.

Self-Conscious, Self-Worth, and Self-Esteem are major themes in therapy.  I have a hard time with compliments because they are so rare.  I assume people are just being polite.  I assume this because those that say it often do not know me and when I have so much negative feedback there isn't enough positive to counteract.  When you put your heart into everything you do and fall short it is difficult to give yourself value.  Maybe someday someone will give me the evidence I need to think of myself as being worth more.  As it stands, the value is low because the struggles are so real and neverending that there is no evidence warranting me to value myself more.

Self-conscious because I have too many flaws.  Self-Worth is low because average isn't worth much these days.  Finally, Self-Esteem is hard to have when you feel as though you are a running joke and source of humor for others.  Being laughed at is not the same as laughing with.

Everything a person experiences creates the person you see today.  Remember what you say to someone today can stick with that person the rest of their life.  Everyone sets their value but their experiences are all they have to prove their value.  Be kind and treat others as you wish to be treated.

Amaysing Thoughts