Dealing with the mental scars left by the trauma can be very difficult and quite painful. Mental scars are unseen and therefore the true depth and impact cannot be determined. What may be considered insignificant to one person leaving no trauma to deal with may leave another person with significant complex issues that takes time to work through.
Trauma events could be planning when I get to see my Grandpa in the hospital in the afternoon to walking in the house later that night and hearing he had passed away. I didn't get to say goodbye. My last conversation he was my birthday and he let Grandma get my gift and I knew there was no thought put into it. I was selfishly upset for an angel Christmas ornament and a $15.00 gift certificate for Meijer. Both of which I still have cause I couldn't bring myself to use the gift certificate. My Grandpa was the best gift giver the year prior I got my handmade frame he custom made to fit my 4th grade ocean watercolor he found in his garage. This hangs in my bathroom and is a treasure. My trauma is I never got to say I love you Grandpa and I don't want you to go. I still need your help making an omelet the way you do, or your beef stew cause it is my favorite and no one makes it like you. I needed him to teach me so many more things so when I did them I could think of him so he would never be too far from my thoughts. Instead he was gone and I felt no closure. I still have never had an omlete that could compare to his and am disappointed every time I order one.
Trauma continued was the day my sister was found. It not only reopened the unhealed broken hear but deepened my mental scars. Having to instantly go into survival mode to protect everyone I loved added more scars. The fact this this survival mode and fear continued for 5 years before my brother in laws arrest has caused long lasting effects. This ranges from unable to sleep through the night, panic attacks, and some more PTSD related issues like easily startled, severe sensory overload, and hyperventilating. I have had to be so observant of every detail to collect or remember anything that could be considered evidence that I am hyperfocused on my surroundings yet can have limited ability to focus on things right in front of me.
Trauma continued I include my dad's death. I was struggling with a situation and my dad wanted to help me. He cam over early March 29th (Good Friday) wanting my keys to take my car to the shop. I was in bed and he came in my room sat on my bed like I used to when I still lived at home. He simply asked me how I was and I broke down he did his signature hand squeeze on my forearm and said, "Your ok Bean, I am here we will get it figured out and no matter what we will be okay." We left my dim room and he said oh yeah your mom wants you to check and see if I am yellow.
My Dad walked to the light of the doorway as I pulled up my sleeve to compare my skin tone to his and when I looked up it was as if he colored himself with a yellow highlighter. I took a deep breath and said yes dad you are yellow. We are going to the hospital. I was with him during initial scans in the ER and the ER doctor is the one that said he had Pancreatic Cancer and the tumor was blocking his common bile duct causing the jaundice. Dad and I both knew the life expectancy of Pancreatic Cancer. When mom came up to trade spots with me I am the one who told my mom and then my sister.
He stayed in the hospital through Easter and was discharged Monday. Saturday he wanted to follow through on a rearranged craft day with my niece's and struggled the whole day. He wouldn't let me take him home or call mom to come get him. He struggled to get into the house using me as his support to get from the car to the house. Sunday I woke up to my phone and dad asking me to to take him to hospital, again. I took him to ER again less than a week from when I did the first time. He was admitted and they found he had infection so they had hom on pai. Meds and antibiotics. On Friday, they discharged him late and he was home at 6:30p. My parents video called me and dad was in pain but had to get IV antibiotics in the morning at a clinic. That is when mom was going to address getting pain med prescribed.
My husband came into room the next morning and said I needed to get up and go to the front porch to meet my best friend. Drowsy and confused I got to porch to hear, "Dad's gone." Instantly, my only words were, "I need my dad, I need my dad, I need my dad..." my people are my people. I am very attached to my people I want them with me forever and always. My Dad is my Super Hero, my go to call for anything house maintenence to random trivia. He rescued me more times than I could count and he is my Dad. In this very moment on the porch my trauma exploded. Every scar was ripped open with deep deep issues. 2 weeks from diagnosis he was gone. Just like that.
Having people here one day gone the next is something you can't plan for. I knew life expectancy was 1-5 years from diagnosis based on stage and other variables. I never expected 2 weeks. I wish my trauma didn't happen or effect others. I wish it can be controlled better but any time of loss that I have no sense of closure or ability to process ahead can cause my brain to have issues that are hard to control. Trauma is real. It is hard to manage the mental and physical effects of it and even when you think you have it figured out something else cause trigger you that you didn't know would before.
Life is a work in progress. I do the best I can daily to manage my niece's and my trauma and triggers to the nest of my ability. We are all in counseling. I just wish people were more understanding that while these things may be something you can handle and manage easily no everyone can. Some of us struggle but that doesn't mean everyday is a bad day. It can even mean within a good day there may be sometime of struggle. These struggles can be tense and to outside individuals may seen inappropriate but to us it may actually be an improvement from prior behaviors.
We are managing and I am asking for grace. My brain needs to know it is ok and that these struggles are manageable and that people know it doesn't define who we are.
aMAYSing Thoughts
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