Thoughts for Younger Self

Regret... living my life doing "what you are supposed to do"

I am a planner, an overthinker, a self analyzer and intuitive.  I know me and sometimes it feels like even to the cellular level.  

I have lived my life doing what I was taught was the "right thing" or making decisions based on what is "supposed" to be done.  I am beyond traditional and thought if you are supposed to do it that way it must be easier because why else is it supposed to be done that way.

Throughout my life I have had road block after road block and as I age I realize "supposed to" is not easier.  In many cases, the decisions have left me more vulnerable and cause me more work to overcome.

If I could talk to younger me I would say so much.  I would say who cares what anyone thinks wear your hair in a pony tail every day, forget fitting in and just wear the comfy pants and t-shirts.  Don't worry about the names your called they will be balding or fatter than you when they're older.  Forget making friends your school network disappears when you graduate so don't care what they think now it takes too much time and energy.

Focus on family because they won't be here as long as you want or need.  Continue to cherish every moment and hold every memory you can because they will bring you random smiles once they leave you.  The five of you need to continue your bond as it will be the difference between life sentence and freedom.  Stick with your gut and even though you lose so much because of long night's researching and years of being ignored what you gain in the end means more than any of the hardships.  Your future girls are worth all the sacrifice and that is all that matters.

I would tell myself to throw away the traditional concepts for waiting for marriage, dating, and all of it.  Don't be blindsided because you are inexperienced and naive.  You are honest, loyal, trustworthy, and stand by your commitment/word to a fault.  So for you to be you and know your making the best decision when it comes to forever make sure you do your research.  It is ok to live together really know the person because a life contract is what is at stake.  You have to know yourself and the other person enough to know if your decision is right.  Since couples have compromise you can't just know yourself and assume it will all work out.  Compromises cause you to adjust and change.  While your core values may never waiver but you will evolve.  You need to test this before making a life long commitment otherwise you will make decisions that will cause you much pain in the future.  You will question yourself and your decisions, blame yourself, and at times hate yourself.  In an attempt to avoid this give it time and really test your relationships.  

Just because you plan ahead and follow through doesn't mean it will happen.  When you fail remember you tried and it is ok.  Trying is all you can do and when you fail it does hurt.  Don't focus on the pain of the hurt that will only cause your life to be unbearable.  Focus on the next thing.  

When you can't have kids focus on your other babies they may call you Trina or Auntie Trina instead of mom but they will love you unconditionally and you will love them more than life.  It is ok to be sad that you will never see a curly hair brunette that looks like you are seeing a reflect of the past.  It will hurt to consider your collection of future baby items will be donated rather than used.  It is ok you will be ok you have kids who love you.  Your tree branch has no leaves but it doesn't mean the whole tree dies.  

You can only control yourself and unfortunately many want to control you too.  You value others opinions and respect many people not wanting to disappoint or disrespect.  Some will appreciate this and others will use this to their advantage.  You have to understand it is your life no one else's.  You only have to justify what you do to yourself at the very end of the day.  By no means do you need to be reckless but listening to others opinions is just gather perspective to make a decision.  It does not mean the opinion is the decision.  At the end of the day you only have to do what is right for you regardless of others.  They will be vocal and it may cause you guilt but you have a right to do what you want just like them. 

No one on this earth takes your opinion as final say they all do what they want in the end so you do not have to put what they say above your own wants, needs, and decisions.

There is so much more but not for today.

aMAYSing Thoughts 

Trauma... work in progress

Trauma is by definition a very stressful, frightening, or distressing event that we have difficulty coping with.  It van very a single situation, series or combination of situations.

Dealing with the mental scars left by the trauma can be very difficult and quite painful.  Mental scars are unseen and therefore the true depth and impact cannot be determined.  What may be considered insignificant to one person leaving no trauma to deal with may leave another person with significant complex issues that takes time to work through.

Trauma events could be planning when I get to see my Grandpa in the hospital in the afternoon to walking in the house later that night and hearing he had passed away.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  My last conversation he was my birthday and he let Grandma get my gift and I knew there was no thought put into it.  I was selfishly upset for an angel Christmas ornament and a $15.00 gift certificate for Meijer.  Both of which I still have cause I couldn't bring myself to use the gift certificate.  My Grandpa was the best gift giver the year prior I got my handmade frame he custom made to fit my 4th grade ocean watercolor he found in his garage.  This hangs in my bathroom and is a treasure.  My trauma is I never got to say I love you Grandpa and I don't want you to go.  I still need your help making an omelet the way you do, or your beef stew cause it is my favorite and no one makes it like you.  I needed him to teach me so many more things so when I did them I could think of him so he would never be too far from my thoughts.  Instead he was gone and I felt no closure.  I still have never had an omlete that could compare to his and am disappointed every time I order one.  

Trauma based on lack of closure just made my heart never fully heal from breaking and my mental scar still causes me much pain.

Trauma continued was the day my sister was found.  It not only reopened the unhealed  broken hear but deepened my mental scars.  Having to instantly go into survival mode to protect everyone I loved added more scars.  The fact this this survival mode and fear continued for 5 years before my brother in laws arrest has caused long lasting effects. This ranges from unable to sleep through the night, panic attacks, and some more PTSD related issues like easily startled, severe sensory overload, and hyperventilating.  I have had to be so observant of every detail to collect or remember anything that could be considered evidence that I am hyperfocused on my surroundings yet can have limited ability to focus on things right in front of me.  

Trauma continued I include my dad's death.  I was struggling with a situation and my dad wanted to help me.  He cam over early March 29th (Good Friday) wanting my keys to take my car to the shop.  I was in bed and he came in my room sat on my bed like I used to when I still lived at home.  He simply asked me how I was and I broke down he did his signature hand squeeze on my forearm and said, "Your ok Bean, I am here we will get it figured out and no matter what we will be okay."  We left my dim room and he said oh yeah your mom wants you to check and see if I am yellow.  

My Dad walked to the light of the doorway as I pulled up my sleeve to compare my skin tone to his and when I looked up it was as if he colored himself with a yellow highlighter.  I took a deep breath and said yes dad you are yellow.  We are going to the hospital.  I was with him during initial scans in the ER and the ER doctor is the one that said he had Pancreatic Cancer and the tumor was blocking his common bile duct causing the jaundice.  Dad and I both knew the life expectancy of Pancreatic Cancer.  When mom came up to trade spots with me I am the one who told my mom and then my sister.  

He stayed in the hospital through Easter and was discharged Monday.  Saturday he wanted to follow through on a rearranged craft day with my niece's and struggled the whole day.  He wouldn't let me take him home or call mom to come get him.  He struggled to get into the house using me as his support to get from the car to the house.  Sunday I woke up to my phone and dad asking me to to take him to hospital, again.   I took him to ER again less than a week from when I did the first time.  He was admitted and they found he had infection so they had hom on pai. Meds and antibiotics.  On Friday, they discharged him late and he was home at 6:30p.  My parents video called me and dad was in pain but had to get IV antibiotics in the morning at a clinic.  That is when mom was going to address getting pain med prescribed.  

My husband came into room the next morning and said I needed to get up and go to the front porch to meet my best friend.  Drowsy and confused I got to porch to hear, "Dad's gone."  Instantly, my only words were, "I need my dad, I need my dad, I need my dad..."  my people are my people.  I am very attached to my people I want them with me forever and always.  My Dad is my Super Hero, my go to call for anything house maintenence to random trivia.  He rescued me more times than I could count and he is my Dad.  In this very moment on the porch my trauma exploded.  Every scar was ripped open with deep deep issues.  2 weeks from diagnosis he was gone.  Just like that.  

Having people here one day gone the next is something you can't plan for.  I knew life expectancy was 1-5 years from diagnosis based on stage and other variables.  I never expected 2 weeks.  I wish my trauma didn't happen or effect others.  I wish it can be controlled better but any time of loss that I have no sense of closure or ability to process ahead can cause my brain to have issues that are hard to control.  Trauma is real.  It is hard to manage the mental and physical effects of it and even when you think you have it figured out something else cause trigger you that you didn't know would before.

Life is a work in progress.  I do the best I can daily to manage my niece's and my trauma and triggers to the nest of my ability.  We are all in counseling.  I just wish people were more understanding that while these things may be something you can handle and manage easily no everyone can.  Some of us struggle but that doesn't mean everyday is a bad day.  It can even mean within a good day there may be sometime of struggle.  These struggles can be tense and to outside individuals may seen inappropriate but to us it may actually be an improvement from prior behaviors.  

We are managing and I am asking for grace.  My brain needs to know it is ok and that these struggles are manageable and that people know it doesn't define who we are.  

aMAYSing Thoughts