Let them Play!

My brain has a really hard time relaxing.  It doesn't understand the concept rather I spend much of my time focused on tasks, planning ahead, or simply lost in memories.

Tonight, I sit and listen to a distant steady thump of a basketball... thump... thump.... thump... pause.  Thump... thump...  thump... pause.  Mixing with it a random little voice I assume is the six year old boy next door and then a louder higher pitch hollar from my nine year old niece. Then a increase of many voices, laughters and yells.  Thump... thump... thump.... pause. 

My husband and I bought our house in April 2007.  Yes, six months before the housing crash that left us completely upside down our 100% financed home.  I was looking for our home to be a three bedroom ranch with 2 car garage, central air, and room for our family to grow into.  Living five states in ten years, attending five different elementary schools in four states my goal for the future was stability and roots.  I knew with my apprehension for change that moving would be difficult.  I wanted a house we could grow into not one for right now that we would grow out of.  A perfect example of my brain planning ahead and over thinking as I have always done.

My house is the opposite of my wish list.  I have a four bedroom, two bathroom house with two stories and an attached single car garage.  My favorite part being beyond my backyard fence is the local golf course.  I remember standing in my small living room as it was empty unable to picture furniture arrangement. I literally said to my husband (fiancé at the time) and the realtor, "I can see kids playing here.  What are the house numbers?"  

I had swam at the local high school (my district didn't have a pool so we combined with the neighboring district to compete we had swimmers they had a pool).  My mom went to school in the district.  I was very familiar with the area and my grandparents house was 2 minutes away.  My mom's best friend since 7th grade grew up on the same street just on the other side of the main road so I even had known the street name most of my life.  

The realtor responded with the house numbers and call me crazy but I knew it was it.  The numbers were the exact same as my grandparents.  To me the numbers adding to it the street name and the golf course were all signs that pointed to this was my house.  Esthetically, it was not what I envisioned but from that moment it didn't matter I had my answer.  When it comes to big decisions I was taught to "sleep on it" if I am still wanting to do it the next day then proceed.  Well I opted not to proceed this way signing an offer/purchase agreement that night.

My struggle with infertility has been very difficult.  I have never envisioned life without having my own children.  (My brain says the perfect family is 2 sets of twins, boy set then girl set making the boys older than girls.  My ideal 4 children but only 2 pregnancies.)  This wasn't  in the cards for me.  Rather my best friends sons came over for Gamer's night (slumber parties), then my niece's joined the "club" added to the fun.  Now it is all my niece's and nephew ages 14, 9, 6, and 3.  I have hosted Gamer Nights with Hungry Howies Cheeseburger Pizza with Garlic Crust and 3-Cheeser Howie Bread and letting kids stay up late playing video games to have McDonalds or local donut shop donuts for breakfast for 17 years.

The time I have lived here I have only heard the muffled thump... thump... thump... pause of a basketball from the kid (now adult with child of his own) across the street.  I have sat after work numerous times with windows open on a spring day hearing only the random birds chirping, a motor rumbling as it echos through the golf course from the main road or the rumbles of an engine or tool of the neighbor who is always tinkering with an vehicle of some sort in his garage.

I have not heard children out and about random yells or laughter.  I have not seen kids back and forth on bicycles, running through yards or back and forth from cul-de-sac 3 doors down.  My older niece heard the screen door and said, "That better be the child that lives here." Of course, referring to her little sister.  The hurry of footsteps to the office door and it is the ten year old from across the street asking for an ice pack.  I provide her one and out the door she went.

My older niece appalled at the fact it was a neighborhood kid just coming in without knocking.  Disgusting in fact by the behavior.  My husband has commented previously when the six year old neighbor was told he could play for 30 more minutes returning to our house walking in the front door removing his shoes and sitting next to my nephew as he had been just minutes prior.

Some may be appalled at my lack of correcting these kids' manners.  But if they are comfortable with my house I am more than okay with that.  If they were ever in trouble or felt unsafe or needed anything I would want them to feel I am a trusted adult they could come to.  Already, I have had the six year old locked out of his house and come to mine.  

I look at it as my niece's were living in an environment that people ignored for years.  My niece's used to talk about running away when they had living arrangements they could not handle.  Instead of a kid feeling the need to run miles from home to a trusted adult if they can run next door to me that is better.

My niece's officially moved in August 1st and since then there have been kids everywhere.  Coming and going bikes up and down the road.  Laughter and fun being had.  Years of quiet and now the thump... thump... thump... pause followed by the hollars of "Bye see you tomorrow" as dusk settles on our road.  

I envisioned kids playing here and finally they really are.

Amaysing Thoughts

TGIF... those were the days.

It's Friday Night, and the Mood is Right. Gonna have some Fun, show ya how it's Done... TGIF.

Fridays bring back memories of "Favorite Shows" our catch phrase for the television prime time lineup on ABC growing up.  Friday's meant family time, pizza and picking out our weekend rentals at Schnuks grocery store in Missouri or Blockbuster in Michigan.  We would eat, bathe, and get in our pjs by 8 pm so we didn't miss a second of 2 hours of the best television shows ever.  So many transitioned through the Friday line up from Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Dinosaurs, Roseanne, Home Improvement, and most shows came and went settling on their own specific night during the week.  We were in bed by the time 20/20 came on but knew that it was what mom and dad would be watching after our 2 hours were up.  

To think this memory is full of fun and my sisters spent with our favorite shows.  Then I am brought back to reality that I have been on 20/20.  

https://abc.com/shows/2020/episode-guide/2022-11/29-cold-to-the-touch

The show we didn't get to watch until we were older. When we could stay up past 10pm on a Friday.  I knew back then who Barbara Walters was but I had never gotten to see her show.  The show 20/20 is like a reality based horror show.  Consisting of stories like the spring break teens gone missing while vacationing outside the US or scams people partipate in to take advantage of others leaving them penniless. These were the unknown stories I was not ready for.  I have only ever wanted life's problems to be solved in 30 minutes to some instrumental music and wise words from a trusted adult.

I sit her on Friday night with the television off since there is no such thing as TGIF or Favorite Shows anymore.  Television is full of reality that is either scripted to be so ridiculous or fictional and not worth my energy.  I still have my favorite dramas like Grey's Anatomy but I am seasons behind because the drama of it all is just too heartbreaking to move forward.  (Alex... I miss Alex.) 

I sit here instead with a book on my lap and listening to my girls upstairs playing trivia with Alexa taking turns shouting out answers.  "Country, Germany!" While the next shouts, "Movie, Guardians of the Galaxy!"

They settled upstairs after we had dinner and discussed our schedule for next week and Easter.  Conversation transitioned to talk about penmanship and next I knew we were writing our names.  The oldest angry she writes her middle initial like her father.  The youngest says, "Can we change our last names, like forever?" They discuss changing once they are married.   My older sister hyphenated her middle name with her maiden name as a way of keeping it without having confusion if she were to have kids.  While my little sister and myself simply took our husband's name dropping our maiden names (yet even 16 years later when someone asks me to state my name I naturally still recite my first, middle, maiden having to correct myself as if I am a newlywed). 

The girls have so many opinions and wants but time has to happen for things to be settled.  The Appeal was just denied. 

https://people.com/conviction-upheld-for-mich-man-who-killed-wife-by-putting-heroin-in-cereal-weeks-after-she-gave-birth-8601803

So many are relieved by this news but I still have to wait 18 months to proceed to my next step.  My fight is not over even though many officials who dragged their feet can think it is done and that my family can simply move on.

Reality doesn't work like the scripted ones on television.  Decisions are made and it causes a ripple effect.  When a bobber causes a ripple you have to wait for the right time to pull back on the line otherwise you scare the fish and have to wait for the next bite.  He still has his parental rights.  CPS will not move to revoke them because they are considered safe in a Guardianship.  This doesn't mean the girls feel permanency it is more like the opposite.  I can tell them the appeal is denied but the fact that he has rights as their father leaves them thinking in the back of their heads that he still has control.  This is not fair to them.  This is not just for two girls that didn't do anything to warrant their current situation.

We have so many emotions in this house from the events of the past ten years (yes the 4 month old infant will be 10 years old).  I sit in my office zoned into work and anyone who comes to speak to me startles me to the point of heart pounding panic cry when I realize they are there.  When you spent 10 years aware of your surroundings, monitoring your review mirror incase someone wS following you, and being on high alert in public it does something to you.  Many can think it was overreaction and unjustified paranoia.  All I can say is when you find out your brother-in-law was looking to hire someone to shoot your sister and his children from prior marriage were now affiliated with gangs and one of them was convicted of possession of firearms serving a federal prison sentence.  Can you really say it is unjustified paranoia?  

I have so many wants for the girls.  I want them to have TGIF and stop having to live in an episode of 20/20.  I want their laughs of trivia and banter that are trickling down the stairs right now to be their reality all the time.  Two girls and an Alexa connected to Amazon Music and Audible the sounds that fill my living room are the best kind of TGIF.  It is almost 10 pm and I know it won't last much longer before they remember their 4.5 year age gap.  The bickering will begin and they will seperate to their own rooms frustrated with each other and their circumstances in general.  We will work through these moments working towards a time where they get their permanency and never have to feel their fathers control again.  Appeal is denied but the girls are still waiting for 20/20 episode to end.

TGIF... Thank God It's Friday!!

Amaysing Thoughts