*These beautiful flowers were sent to my sister when she was on maternity leave. My brother-in-law accused her of being involved with the sender. Not only was my sister not the type to take her wedding vows lightly but the sender was fresh out of high school and openly attracted to men. Little did we know he was accusing her of actions he himself was guilty of.
The public viewing for my sister I only have one way of describing.
Some people reading this may think it is because I relate everything to this but that is not it. Others reading may think it is because they believe our recent re-airing on 20/20 has provided my family monetary relief or make us feel as though we are in it for 6 minutes of fame.
Please note we have received no monetary funds for our interviews and the only thing we want is to shed light on the fact that our case was not routine but ignored for years. My parents cannot retire because depositions, search warrants, and investigation was done at my parents expense while local police kept their full budget. The prosecutors utilized the evidence obtained at my parents expense for their case even those much of it was available to law enforcement they simply did not request it. The video footage of my brother-in-law was during a deposition paid for by my parents and obtained legally so it could be used in a criminal case even though it was initially for the civil case.
Back to Friday, October 3, 2014. There was a small break between private family viewing and public viewing. In this time my niece was returned to my parents being cared for by my best friend. We kept our circle close and she was there for us 100%.
My dad had been attempting to communicate with the Local Detective but had not received any return calls. We wanted to make sure he was aware she would be cremated and that if they needed ANY type of evidence from her body they needed to do so immediately. My mother was informed my sister would be cremated following the Saturday funeral service.
My dad took the break time to drive to the police department to inform them since we weren't getting any feedback from the police themselves. I remember my mom fretting hoping my dad would return prior to doors opening for the viewing. I will never forget walking out to the vestibule and seeing my dad pull in. I could also see my brother-in-law was sitting in the Suburban (there is a another story about this vehicle but that is for another time). He was hanging half-way out the door, smoking, and on his cell phone. He didn't even notice my dad park and walk up the sidewalk. Not even a glance in my dad's direction.
I was on high alter and my dad said he spoke to the police so they were informed about the cremation. That was a relief in my mind that with that knowledge then at least someone would double check they obtained all necessary samples. (I mean in the real would not the one I live in.)
I being the anxious person I am was getting my "stomach ache". When I swam the anxiety would get so bad I would throw up before each race. It is all because I was worrying about not knowing what or who to expect. I mean in 1997 at my Mamaw's service a man walked up to me and said, "I bet you don't remember me." My response was, "Uncle John." My Grammy who was sitting next to me even did a double take because she assumed I had forgotten. John was only married to my aunt for a short time and we always lived out of state. People really don't realize how much I remember and that my accuracy is usually on point.
What memories are going to walk through the door? Would anyone come? Well I knew the core of our family and extended family/friends would come. My sister was the only child of a beloved brother who passed away at age 20 from leukemia. He had 10 siblings so that was a huge variable I could not account for. They live and breathe family and my sister was blood so I knew I would see some of their faces but hadn't seen many of them in 20 years.
Another major variable was our community. We had returned to Michigan in November of 1993. All three of us girls attended school and graduated from the local high school. My niece was in kindergarten at my former elementary school. She played soccer and had been at latchkey with kids whose parents my sisters and I went to school with. Our priest was holding a rosary service in a few hours. The same priest that not only gave my little sister her first communion but he conducted my wedding and baptized both of my nieces.
This was an anxious day just thinking about who could come, what do I do, and how do I act normal? I already reached out to close family and friends who said they would be bring cards and wanted to know who they should give it to because the obituary said specifically to make payable to my brother-in-law. These instructions were not well received by our family and friends even though they had no idea we had communicated with law enforcement regarding my sister's death.
As I have said before I am horrible at lying so I don't even try too. If you would like to fact check the obituary I will provide the link for you.
https://www.allenfuneralhomeinc.com/obituary/2731966
We were all there ready my parents to the left of her casket in the front, I on the opposite side of the room, my little sister in the opposite back corner of me, and my Uncle along the back wall when the funeral staff told us the time and opened the doors. Then time meant nothing... I had no concept of time. When I was able to take a minute and think it was in between hugs and conversations. I realized that none of my family moved positions and we all had lines of people. I remember asking my husband what people are waiting for and my Great Aunt walked up to me and said, "You honey, we are waiting for all of you." I did not grasp this. I was so dissociated from emotion that it didn't make sense to me. Between descreetly handing my husband cards to stash in my purse which he was guarding because of the volume of cards, to greeting, thanking, and saying goodbye I couldn't believe the amount of people. No one was unrecognizable except a few of my mom's work friends and my little sister's work friends. Even those who were there for my Uncle I remembered from my childhood and could hear their stories in my head when they would see my sister and that always started, "I used to change your diapers."
This room was full. There was a single moment I looked up and my high school best friend was across the room. I went to her and sat in the chairs with her for a bit. That feeling that someone who knows you to your core and the person who watched you grow through the awkward was a comfort. She went away to college and I stay home to go to local community college. I wouldn't know she was in town except when my parents would say they saw her jogging the neighborhood. Her parents moved and then it was really as though she never looked back. But in this instance when I needed someone the most here she was sitting next to me as speechless as I was. Not caring about anything except how I was. It is those moments that stand out. After we said our goodbyes I used the restroom.
It was this moment I realized what I had not been noticing. My family was all in the viewing room with the casket standing for hours not eating but speaking to lines of people. Where was my brother-in-law and his people? They were in the lounge with the food. He was commenting on who sent what and they all were discussing what was good and what wasn't. He spent much of the day questioning the staff about if mail had arrived. It wasn't until later that he was harassing the staff about the life insurance check being received yet and he took the opportunity to go open an account across the street as soon as it arrived.
So how was the viewing it was exhausting and unlike any others. I have attended my Mamaws, Grandpa H, Grandma K, Grandpa K, Grammy, Grandpa R, Grandad, Grandma D, and many other Great Uncles, and Great Aunt's viewings not to mention other family and friends. I didn't eat, I didn't have time to think, and there is only one way I describe how I felt. I felt like my family was Disney Characters during a Meet & Greet.
We as a family have gone to Disney many times. Living in Florida we went when I was in a stroller and then again before we moved and my little sister was in a stroller.
We spent my 15th birthday in Magic Kingdom when I stood in line waiting for Cinderella's signature.
I finally got my husband to go in 2011, and from there we arrange to bring my niece before she was 3 yrs old in 2012, we spent our Anniversary there in 2013, and the day of the viewing I was 2 weeks away from my next trip. My niece, my parents, my husband, and I were schedule for Disney trip. My older sister told me I could bring my niece again but no way was I bring her baby. Well given the recent events I already called to see if my little sister and 4 month old niece would be added to our trip. No way was I leaving the state without the baby. Also, we needed just family time. This was all such a world wind and we had no idea which way was up.
We needed to focus and regroup figure out what we needed. This was unchartered territory and how was all of this going to work out.
Feeling like a Disney Character is exhausting but the day wasn't over our priest was set to do a rosary service. I sat my husband assumed my mom and sister would sit in the front with me so he found a chair on the side. I sat on the end of the couch positioned in the center of the room facing the casket. The couch had 2 cushions but could sit 3 people. My brother-in-law sat on the couch at the other arm rest.
My head swirled I sat there simply because I wasn't making decisions and my husband said I could sit there. Etiquette race through my head, do I move, am I allowed to be here, do I stay here, and oh Gosh how can I listen to my priest talk about my sister when the person next to me was supposed to be her loving husband but he killed her. I just sat and stared at priest.
When Father spoke I just kept telling myself it was ok. He played the first song. Alan Jackson's Sissy Song, the second I hear his voice a flash and I see myself riding in my family mini-van going to who knows where and my sister's voice coming from the bench seat behind me, "Yeah, way down yonder on the Chattahoochee
Never knew how much that muddy water meant to me.
But I learned how to swim and I learned who I was
A lot about livin' and a little 'bout love."
Then flash I am back on the couch and hear Alan Jackson singing the words, "She flew up to heaven on the wings of Angel's
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waitin'
And I know she's smilin' sayin', don't worry 'bout me."
Tears are welling up I can't focus because how do I not worry? How did she get there? Why is she there? Someone needs to send me a sign she is ok because I do not understand any of this. I am sitting on a couch listening to a sold about "Sissy" who has died and says don't worry. What is wrong with this picture. My mom said she was not involved in the arrangements and that was apparent because she would never have done that to me. She also said my brother-in-law commented after his selections that "we will get a lot of tears with these ones." I disregarded this when I heard it first but now that I am remembering the hell I am going to give him the satisfaction. Pull myself together deep breath suck up the tears and keep them for my pillow.
The next song they said was chose by my sisters step son. The beginning starts and I knew that was not approved by my mother. If there is one thing I know in this world when it comes to music is my mom prefers Top 20 relevant music. She hates to reminisce, hates oldy moldy music, and hates music from her youth. There is one band in particular that if she even hears the essence of their music she will turn the dial.
The music starts and I hear it oh god can I sit through this. I see out of my peripheral
My brother-in-law grab a tissue and wipe away nothing. He does it again. He is not crying but he is wiping fake tears as the music continues. When he does it a third time I can't take it anymore I want to scream this music is not right, quick fake crying, and get the hell out because you obviously have zero respect for my sister and her family.
I do get up and yes I am in front I look at the priest eyes welling from anger and I walk out. There in the lobby I see my mother in a comfy armchair and someone gets up for me to sit in the other one. She looked at me and said, "I am glad you tried I couldn't bring myself to do it." I went to speak and she interrupted and said, "Led Zeppelin -Stairway to Heaven. That is not for my kid I don't approve."
Yes, she read my mind. We sat there the remainder of the night talking to those that came during the rosary service but were late and whome we people would have seen otherwise. We were exhausted, hungry, and knew we had to be prepared for tomorrow. There was a short viewing in the vestibule of the church prior to a funeral mass. Another thing that wasn't mom approved. While yes we are catholic and I believe in my faith I know my family and friends consists of many people of varying religions to those who don't believe at all. We may have our priest conduct a funeral but a full mass funeral is not something we would do out of respect of everyone's time and beliefs. My wedding was not the full mass wedding it was the short version and my priest clocked it "22 minutes." So this was going to be a long day tomorrow.
Why, why, why, if I miss the funeral because of this.... this was my first thought after enter the vestibule of my church the day of the funeral.
To be continued...
Amaysing Thoughts
