Friday, October 3, 2014 - Part 2

There I was in the vestibule of the funeral home leaning on the wall next to my brother-in-law's brother.  We were facing the glass doors into the funeral home and seeing the staff going in a out of hall and offices and our family milling around between the viewing room and the gathering place down stairs.  

I spoke first letting him know our niece was on her way.  I told him I was nervous about her arrival and just wanted to make sure she is ok.  He nodded but didn't say anything.  I asked how his family was and he said as well as could be expected.  We stood in silence for a few minutes and through the glass I saw my brother-in-law walk from viewing room to a funeral n.v home employee and then head down the stairs.

I took this as opportunity to comment on his behavior.  I said, "I have yet to see him get emotional."  This brother's response spoke volumes to me.  He said, "I don't think he is capable of having emotions.  He never has."  This surprised me and I just looked at him dumbfounded.  I then saw just beyond him a vehicle pull into lot and knew our niece had arrived.

I acknowledged her arrival and got ready for dealing with whatever questions, reactions, and emotions would come from a four year old who is a self proclaimed "genius".  I still was thinking about his statement.  Which did not make sense to me just like my brother-in-law's current behavior didn't make sense.  It reminded me of a time I remember my brother-in-law visibly emotional.

In December 2010, I was making our families traditional pasties.  I had my mom over at my house.  When it comes to pasties their is a specific way to do it and we make roughly twenty at a time.  The dough recipe is a family recipe passed down from my great grandmother but we are not sure how far back it goes.  I received a call from my older sister asking if she can drop my niece off right now.  I let her know we were in middle of pastie making knowing it really isn't an infant friendly activity.  

Pictured - My Pasties not to be confused with My Grandpa Hooper's... same recipe but he is someone I can only dream of cooking like.

Pictured - Christy wearing my dad's holiday sweatshirt because she loved oversized shirts.  She was modest in that way never would have allowed herself to be seen by public the way she was found by her neighbor.  Also, Grandpa Hooper and his pasties as we just arrived for dinner after visiting my Great-Grandma & Great-Grandpa Keirns' for Christmas Eve.

My sister further explained that her father-in-law had a heart attack.  Without another word I told her to drop off the baby and not to worry about it at all.  The baby spent the night because the next call I received was that her father-in-law passed away.  The next time I saw my brother-in-law was at the funeral home for his dad and he was visibly upset.  I gave his brother and him a hug.  We weren't long because the Knights of Columbus ceremony and Rosary service was about to begin so we took the baby so she didn't distract from the service.  

The thing that sticks out is my brother-in-law's demeanor comparing 2010 to his father's death and 2014 to his wife.  It is comparing night and day or black and white.  This wasn't a question of his capacity to have emotions but what was preventing him from having any emotion.

Even the years following my sister's death my brother-in-law would public post on social media regarding his father and would not acknowledge my sister.  I cannot imagine being with someone for 16 years married for 11 years of it having two children one of those being 4 months old and having zero emotion.  

I couldn't dwell on this.  Lost in thought I didn't realize my brother-in-law was escorting my niece into the viewing room.  I hurried and got up to them.  He told her she could stay as long as she wanted.  When he realized I was standing behind them he left her at the casket where she was stepping on the kneeler because she was too short to peer in.  I asked my niece if she had any questions.  She asked me if she could touch her.  I said yes but be careful.  Her little hand reached for her moms cheek and she said, "She is cold."

She asked me why she had to be in there.  We discussed again that her mom stopped breathing and you cannot live without breathing.  I pointed out how still she was so she could see she wasn't breathing.  I did what I thought would help her which was give her facts, point out things she could see and understand.  How else do you explain to a four year old that at 31 I couldn't myself understand?

My niece visited with family during the quick break between family only viewing and public viewing.  Public viewing my niece would not be at the funeral home.  I am so grateful that my best friend was on kid duty because the chaos that unfolded during the public viewing was enough stress to deal with.  

So much happened within those few hours of still feels odd that it was just one day.  I wasn't prepared for all of it.  

To Be Continued...

For the record... I get disassociating but my brother-in-law's behavior I would not describe as disassociation.

Amaysing Thoughts

November 16th...

Today has been a day of mixed emotions for me.

My Facebook Memories have reminded me that a year ago today the testimony concluded, final arguments were heard, and jury began their deliberations.

I am also reminded that today is indeed my brother-in-law's birthday.  The number 16 was always significant for my sister.  Her birthday in January 16th, her husband is November 16th, and they opted to get married August 16th. My mom started giving them their birthday gifts on December 16th she would say it was splitting the difference.

I didn't expect to feel melancholy like I do on other significant days like the anniversary of someone's death.  I think of him often as I do her.  Not because I want to but I feel it is important to keep positive memories in the for front especially for my nieces.

I am often accused of filling my nieces heads with negativity when it comes to their father.  Thing is I am the last person who would do that.  As they get older they will see more and more negativity regarding them they don't need me to add to it.  What they won't see is the positive times.

They won't be able to read about midnight glow bowling at Richfield Lanes, Game Nights with Rotel dinner, or watching movies.  They won't ready about various holidays and memories with his kids. I have known his kids from his first marriage since his son was three years old and his oldest daughter was an infant.  They are in their twenties now and both of them have criminal records.

I don't want to add to the negativity for my nieces.  I also know I will not always tell them the positive but rather the truth.  If it is regarding negative events I will be truthful.  

Emotions will level in time but this is really difficult to deal with.  Tomorrow is one year since we heard guilty on all accounts but it wasn't a joyous moment.  There was no relief because it caused me to realize this really happened.  We all haven't settled into this new reality yet Facebook is reminding me it has been a year.

Will there ever be a time where this won't impact me mentally, physically, and emotionally?  At this point, my answer is No.

He is spending his first birthday in prison, and I spent today still unable to comprehend how we hot to this point.

November 16th... it is a day that will never be the same.

Amaysing Thoughts