I saw it on national television. The moment my little sister began to get emotional I checked out. I disassociated from the interview and stared at the ceiling. I disengaged to keep my emotions in check.
I have gotten really good at mentally slapping myself into silence and disengaging to keep my opinions and feelings to myself. This doesn't mean those emotions aren't there. I know my feelings are portrayed via my non-verbal communication so I do my best to mentally talk myself into at least looking like it is fine. I know my emotions are just lying dormant. I won't know when they will resurface. Honestly any emotions I have had in the last almost 8 years have only been surface level there is barrier holding back the excess.
I am very self aware and have been probably my whole life. To the point in 2003, I walked into the Emergency Room and said the pain is centralized right here and it is either a ruptured ovarian cyst or my appendix. Less than 4 hours later I was being wheeled into an emergency appendectomy with an appendix they were hoping to remove prior to it bursting.
Being self aware and being disengaged is odd. I can feel the barrier and have a sense of it being there. I do not have any idea what controls it or how to remove it. I just keep waiting for the day it will shatter and then hope I can handle all the emotions it is protecting. I don't feel emotional either. Movies are my favorite all kinds I live life through movie quotes. I have my set routines that aren't working either. Like if I need a good cry I watch Les Miserables, laugh I watch Drop Dead Fred, calm down relax I watch Pride and Prejudice, and anytime I watch all the Hunger Games or any of my favorites for that matter. I always have said I am emotionally attached to my characters. Movies aren't bringing me any emotional relief.
My niece said to me today that she was "Just her daughter" and nothing that has happened in the last 8 years was for her. I tried correcting her but saw I was talking to her emotional barrier who made the decision she was right and that is it. I said she was aMAYSing but it didn't matter. She said if it mattered and it was done for her then why did she have to live with my brother-in-law for five years after her moms death and then be taken to still have 2 years living with his mother.
How can I respond to that? Did I hold up the investigation... NO. Did I have the CPS paperwork filled out and never filed... NO. Did I tell CPS to hold off on their investigation as to not jeopardize the polices investigation...NO. Did I arrest a father for potentially killing a mother and then ask him where the daughters should be placed... NO. Did I let the girlfriend and her daughter stay living in the house that her mom's money help get and let them live with all of their belongings... NO. Did I allow girlfriends daughter to participate in the 7th - 8th grade class and make her retake the 5th - 6th grade class when she should be in 7th grade class... NO.
Have I been worried about the girls from the moment I found out about my sister... YES. Did I go to a lawyer asking about custody if my brother-in-law were arrested a week after my sister's funeral... YES. Have I spent endless hours arguing with my parents, police, and lawyers to get their father charged... YES. Have I spent hours navigating AYSO info, school newsletters, Facebook posts to know the girls schedules without being told by anyone where they were and what they were doing... YES.
How can she believe this wasn't for her? She isnt "just" anything and yet the broken system both of 8 years ago and today are making her feel she isn't valued. She is "just" seriously... she is feeling this way because she was 100% clear with what she wanted and yet courts and decision makers are not listening. I too feel like my hands are tied so what do I do.
This is all just accumulating behind the barrier. I can feel it is full but again how do you access something that isnt tangible. I don't think there is a safe enough space anywhere to be able to get our everything that has been building.
So what do I do... as Tom Hanks said in the most underrated comedy The Terminal... "I wait"
Amaysing Thoughts
