My sister was found unresponsive in her bed on Monday. Tuesday my mother went to funeral home with my brother-in-law and his mother to make arrangements. It was determined that Wednesday we (my mom, my little sister, my brother-in-law, his mother and myself) would meet at a flower shop to choose floral arrangements for the funeral home.
On Monday, it was also determined that my parents would go to the city police department to inform them of our concerns that my brother-in-law was the cause of my sister's death.
I had to mentally prepare to be around my brother-in-law and his mother after all the information I had recieved over the last two days. I am someone who speaks her mind and who struggles to hide my emotions. I also do not lie for a couple of reasons. One, I have inherited Catholic guilt that even the thought of me wanting to lie will cause me to feel guilty. The second, is with my over analytical mind and anxiety levels the concept of having to keep track of what you said to whom in order to keep your lie hidden is just too much for me to worry about. How was I supposed to act like nothing was going on? All I wanted to do was get the answers as to what happened to my sister.
Not only was I worried about my thoughts and keeping them under control I was also concerned with my inherited anger. When I get angry, I mean really angry I know I react physically. This is something I have always been aware of and it takes a lot to get me there. I have been known to throw a remote with enough force it broke on impact of the wall. I even once threw a box of lasagna noodles in my hand with enough force to break the unopened box and noodles to shatter all over. These are unproud moments in my life that I allowed anger to get the best of me. When I was little I was known for punching my sister only to then remember she was five years older than me and that might not have been a good idea. The anger I was feeling building up towards my brother-in-law was palpable for me. I needed to keep my head clear so I could observe and analyze all of our interactions. That was my focus no on revenge or answers but on facts and information.
My words, actions, and anger were on my mind as soon as I woke up. My little sister was staying at my parents for the week. We had planned I would go to my parents and we would ride together to the flower shop. With these thoughts running through my head, I realized something. If my sister knew my brother-in-law were doing something to her she would have fought back. My brother-in-law has a bad knee. I know for a fact if she was aware she would have taken him down by the knee. She would have fought back. Does this mean he didn't do anything... No. This meant she was unaware of what was happening to herself or he did something so she was unable to fight. Unable to fight is something the three of us girls do not comprehend.
We were raised that girls can do anything boys can do. We were taught we were smart and could achieve anything we put our minds too. So she didn't know what was happening. With this realization I needed to make sure my parents knew this before they spoke to the city police.
I arrived at my parents and my sister met me in the garage. She said, "I don't know what is wrong and I don't know what to do." I walk in and my mom is at the computer desk. I am awestruck because I heard familiar the noice of sobbing and labored breathing. Unfamilar in that it was not sounds made by me. I have never seen it on this side before. My mother was having a panic attack. As far as I knew, I was the only one who had all out panic attacks. I had never seen my mom this way, not even when my Grandpa Hooper (her father) passed away.
I said, "Breathe, Breathe, what can I do?" She was able to say, "Date... Call... Dad."
I did as instructed and called my dad as I said "Mom is..." he stopped me he could hear her cry and labored breathing. I told him she said, "Date." He said, "Date? Oh, its October 1st." I said, "Yeah, what is October 1st." This is not a date I knew of. I knew birthdays, anniversaries, and October 1st was not ringing a bell for me. Then my dad said, "Bean (my dad calls me Bean short for Triner Beaner), October 1st is the anniversary of Budd's death. She does this every year she will be ok just give her space and she will calm down."
I was dumbfounded. I was never aware of this date. Budd was my sister's father and my moms first husband. She was widowed at 19 with an 8 month old. This was a fact I knew and had known my whole life. Budd was talked about openly and freely in our house. I was the kid in middle school who thought every family had a Budd. Growing up my sister had Budd's last name which was different than the four us. Did that make her different? No, my dad was her dad and my dad will tell you he has three daughters. We were a family of five with a Budd. Budd has been apart of my life for my whole life. He will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. In reality, if Budd would have not passed away from leukemia when my sister was 8 months old... I would not exist. Right now in this moment I am just baffled that I never knew the date he left this world.
About fifteen minutes later my mom had calmed enough to get in the car. I was driving and she had the occasional catch in her breath that you get from deep labored breathing of sobs and panic. She said she would be ok she just looked at her phone and saw the date.
By the time we arrived at the flower shop her breathing had returned to normal and you wouldn't have known she had an issue. Heading to the flower shop we three gave ourselves pep talks to prepare for our interaction.
I needed to keep my mind clear, be ready to observe all while choosing floral arrangements for my sister's funeral.
When we pulled into the parking lot I see my brother-in-law, his mother and his son from his first marriage waiting for us.
I see them and am shocked is this really happening... stay calm... be calm...be normal.
To be continued...
Thought-
Remember to ask questions, even if it is something you have known your whole life you might not have all the details. As you grow older things become more significant. You also need to remember family history is important. Gather the stories and document significant information this may be helpful not only for you now but others in the future.
Amaysing Thoughts
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