Amaysing Thoughts is about the Mays Family unwillingness to let a daughter's/sister's death go unresolved and let her husband get away with murder.

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 - part 2

Making sure our emotions were under control and we were ready to interact with my brother-in-law.  We pull in almost at the same time but they were first.  
My mom, little sister and I get out of the car.  There he is wearing a fedora. Seriously, what about this situation leads one to wear a fedora. His mother does a polite smile with head nod.  His son gets out and gives a hug to my mom and I.  I instantly notice his eyes and realize he appears to be higher than a kite.

I have not seen his son like this before.  Now I do not have experience to really identify drunk, high, stoned, or other descriptions related to drug use.  I have liver cirrohsis (we believe it is hereditary and I won the genetic lottery) which I have dealt with liver testing since I was fourteen.  This has caused me to make the conscious decision not to drink.  If you have known me for any period of time you also know I do not agree with smoking. 

I was the three year old who learned at Little Lambs Preschool in Orange Park, FL that smoking was bad and could kill you.  From that day forward I have "politely" reminded all of my family members who smoked this fact and that they should quit.  My dad, aunts, and eventually my older sister have appreciated this reminder over the years. (Yes, that was complete sarcasm.) Making conscious decisions to not partake in these activities means my experience around them are limited. 

Working at the movie theater I experienced people under the influence of a variety of substances.  Many people apparently want to experience watching films on the big screen under all sorts of mind altering drugs.  Whether it was finding the remnants of it while ushering the Auditorium, smelling it on the selling them tickets, or trying to understand the order while collecting their cravings in the concession stand it is scary to think they drive to and from the theater.  Even with these observations I have a hard time identifying what characteristics relate to what substance.

Seeing my brother-in-law and his mother act as though his son's behavior, demeanor, and overall appearance was normal was hard to stomach.  I wanted to say, "What the hell are you on?"; "Where did you get it?"; and "What happened to my sister?" Shortly after entering the flower shop he went to the car.  Upon leaving we observed him completely passed out in the back seat.  Not just sleeping because my brother-in-law knocked on window to prompt him to say goodbye but he did not move even though his head was resting on the window.  His mother said, "He isn't feeling well." My thoughts were screaming, "No, he is on something!"

Our inner circle was extremely small.  My best friend, and my little sister's derby bestie were included.  My little sister's bestie is a retired police officer whose husband is still active in law enforcement south of us.  Communication and ideas were being passed between them since Monday.  We were told it might be a good idea to communicate with the Medical Examiners office since Tuesday it was determined my sister would be cremated.  Phone calls were happening trying to get a non-recurring contact for the medical examiner's office.  We wanted to make sure we also were able to receive any report issued so it wasn't just information filtered through my brother-in-law. 

While in the flower shop my sister was having to step out to the parking lot to handle phone calls regarding the medical examiner's office.  Mean while my mom, brother-in-law, his mom and I are looking through books and choosing arrangements.  My brother-in-law and his mother wanted a single small casket spray and that stated wife and mother and a small arrangement from their side of the family.  

My mom insisted my niece have her own arrangement saying "Mumma" which is what my four year old niece called my sister.  My mom knew my Grandma and Uncle would need arrangement as well as a Sisters and Daughter arrangement.  My mom eyed a medium size figurine of the Virgin Mary that my mom knew my Grandma would like.  This figurine has found its home on my parents mantel.  We are not the type for religious items on display.  We don't have crosses on the wall at or jesus photo on the wall.  Honestly the picture that has been on the wall that I identify as home is an image of a girl and a collie (Lassie dog) standing the corner.  This figurine is different, Mary is different, she was a mother who lost her child.  


My mom identified another keepsake she had to get.  My niece's nickname is Bug.  Her bedspread was pink ladybugs.  Her first Halloween costume was a ladybug and my sister was obsessed with making it her daughters icon.  My mom saw a hanging ladybug bird bath and knew she had to get it.  My sister would have made sure it was purchased if she had laid eyes on it.  With all of our arrangements ordered and making sure our side was represented to met our expectations especially my Grandmother's expectations.  My Grandmother has social anxiety and is not one to go do things on her own.  This doesn't stop her from expecting my mom will take care of it for her.  She will take credit for it as though she did it herself but those who know her know it was my Grandpa who did this stuff and since his death my mom has been the one to do it for her.  

My mom and I pretty much focused on our arrangements while they meandered around the shop waiting for us.  My brother-in-law was making comments regarding his anticipation of what was going to be at the funeral home from others.  He had his phone in hand constantly on it.  Upon leaving the shop we said our goodbyes and my mom was relieved when they were discussing going out for lunch.

This meant we knew they would be busy while my parents headed to the police department.  My sister updated us on the medical examiner's office and that she was awaiting a return call.  We returned to my parents house and my dad was ready.  My little sister and I sat waiting for what felt like an eternity. We worried and wondered thinking up different scenarios in our heads.

This all had been so surreal.  This doesn't happen in real life we must be in some weird dream.  Any moment my big sister will walk through the door and say "Got ya!"  When my parents pulled in we were on the edges of our seats.  We were about to add another MAJOR twist to this already unfathomable situation.

To be continued...

Funerals are not cheap but what is more important... celebrating someones life and not worrying about the bottom line or doing the bare minimum in order to save more funds for yourself?  For me... I want to use the funds to celebrate them.  I guess I think this way because working for the credit union and handling deceased accounts you see the worst side of people.  The greed, selfish, irresponsible, and down right evil side that will do anything to make sure they come out financially on top.  It is a dark side and I prefer the light.

Amaysing Thoughts





Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Wednesday, October 1, 2014 - Part 1

*This is Budd's Plymouth Road Runner... the car I have heard stories about my whole life. *

You can live your whole life knowing things but still not know everything.  Details are important and unless you think to ask you cannot assume you will be told.  This is a lesson I learned on Wednesday, October 1, 2014.

My sister was found unresponsive in her bed on Monday.  Tuesday my mother went to funeral home with my brother-in-law and his mother to make arrangements.  It was determined that Wednesday we (my mom, my little sister, my brother-in-law, his mother and myself) would meet at a flower shop to choose floral arrangements for the funeral home.  

On Monday, it was also determined that my parents would go to the city police department to inform them of our concerns that my brother-in-law was the cause of my sister's death.

I had to mentally prepare to be around my brother-in-law and his mother after all the information I had recieved over the last two days.  I am someone who speaks her mind and who struggles to hide my emotions.  I also do not lie for a couple of reasons.  One, I have inherited Catholic guilt that even the thought of me wanting to lie will cause me to feel guilty. The second, is with my over analytical mind and anxiety levels the concept of having to keep track of what you said to whom in order to keep your lie hidden is just too much for me to worry about.  How was I supposed to act like nothing was going on?  All I wanted to do was get the answers as to what happened to my sister.  

Not only was I worried about my thoughts and keeping them under control I was also concerned with my inherited anger.  When I get angry, I mean really angry I know I react physically.  This is something I have always been aware of and it takes a lot to get me there.  I have been known to throw a remote with enough force it broke on impact of the wall.  I even once threw a box of lasagna noodles in my hand with enough force to break the unopened box and noodles to shatter all over.  These are unproud moments in my life that I allowed anger to get the best of me.  When I was little I was known for punching my sister only to then remember she was five years older than me and that might not have been a good idea.  The anger I was feeling building up towards my brother-in-law was palpable for me.  I needed to keep my head clear so I could observe and analyze all of our interactions.  That was my focus no on revenge or answers but on facts and information.

My words, actions, and anger were on my mind as soon as I woke up.  My little sister was staying at my parents for the week.  We had planned I would go to my parents and we would ride together to the flower shop.  With these thoughts running through my head, I realized something.  If my sister knew my brother-in-law were doing something to her she would have fought back.  My brother-in-law has a bad knee.  I know for a fact if she was aware she would have taken him down by the knee.  She would have fought back.  Does this mean he didn't do anything... No.  This meant she was unaware of what was happening to herself or he did something so she was unable to fight.  Unable to fight is something the three of us girls do not comprehend.  

We were raised that girls can do anything boys can do.  We were taught we were smart and could achieve anything we put our minds too.  So she didn't know what was happening.  With this realization I needed to make sure my parents knew this before they spoke to the city police.

I arrived at my parents and my sister met me in the garage.  She said, "I don't know what is wrong and I don't know what to do."  I walk in and my mom is at the computer desk.  I am awestruck because I heard familiar the noice of sobbing and labored breathing.  Unfamilar in that it was not sounds made by me.  I have never seen it on this side before.  My mother was having a panic attack.  As far as I knew, I was the only one who had all out panic attacks.  I had never seen my mom this way, not even when my Grandpa Hooper (her father) passed away.  

I said, "Breathe, Breathe, what can I do?"  She was able to say, "Date... Call... Dad." 

I did as instructed and called my dad as I said "Mom is..." he stopped me he could hear her cry and labored breathing. I told him she said, "Date." He said, "Date? Oh, its October 1st." I said, "Yeah, what is October 1st."  This is not a date I knew of.  I knew birthdays, anniversaries, and October 1st was not ringing a bell for me.  Then my dad said, "Bean (my dad calls me Bean short for Triner Beaner), October 1st is the anniversary of Budd's death.  She does this every year she will be ok just give her space and she will calm down."

I was dumbfounded.  I was never aware of this date.  Budd was my sister's father and my moms first husband.  She was widowed at 19 with an 8 month old.  This was a fact I knew and had known my whole life.  Budd was talked about openly and freely in our house.  I was the kid in middle school who thought every family had a Budd.  Growing up my sister had Budd's last name which was different than the four us.  Did that make her different?  No, my dad was her dad and my dad will tell you he has three daughters.  We were a family of five with a Budd.  Budd has been apart of my life for my whole life.  He will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.  In reality, if Budd would have not passed away from leukemia when my sister was 8 months old... I would not exist.  Right now in this moment I am just baffled that I never knew the date he left this world.  

About fifteen minutes later my mom had calmed enough to get in the car.  I was driving and she had the occasional catch in her breath that you get from deep labored breathing of sobs and panic.  She said she would be ok she just looked at her phone and saw the date.  

By the time we arrived at the flower shop her breathing had returned to normal and you wouldn't have known she had an issue.  Heading to the flower shop we three gave ourselves pep talks to prepare for our interaction.

I needed to keep my mind clear, be ready to observe all while choosing floral arrangements for my sister's funeral.

When we pulled into the parking lot I see my brother-in-law, his mother and his son from his first marriage waiting for us. 

I see them and am shocked is this really happening... stay calm... be calm...be normal.  

To be continued...

Thought-
Remember to ask questions, even if it is something you have known your whole life you might not have all the details.  As you grow older things become more significant.  You also need to remember family history is important.  Gather the stories and document significant information this may be helpful not only for you now but others in the future.

Amaysing Thoughts


Sunday, June 5, 2022

Tuesday, September 30, 2014 - Part 2

*That one time you all show up for Easter 2007 wearing the same color but no one talked about what they were wearing before hand. Christy even "borrowed" my polo shirt so long I bought a new one in the same color yet we had never worn them at the same time. Jeans and Doc Martens it is!!*

Personal space is different for every individual.  Privacy is also specific to each person. There are social norms that guides to proper etiquette but ultimately it is completely unique to each person.  You can share a lifetime with someone and still never really understand all aspects of them.  Everyone makes impressions, interprets behaviors, observes, draws conclusions and judges others.  This is natural human behavior and we even do this to those closest to us.  The thing is you never really know or can walk in a person's shoes to truly understand them to their core because there will always be that level privacy and personal boundary that can never be crossed.

Technology advancements have allowed an extension beyond a person's internal boundary and extended it beyond their person to an external source.  What am I referring to.... cellphones, laptops, social media, email, etc.  These are password protected individually organized things that allow you to take a step beyond the personal boundary and into a space even closer to their true selves.  

Having an "All Access Pass" to my sister's world was something I needed to brace myself for.  I knew I needed to be smart about gathering the information so my first step was back up her phone to my laptop.  I wasn't going to get into the messages and snooping in places I have been scolding throughout childhood trying to explore.  My sister kept journals growing up and had spiral notebooks she passed back and forth with friends that I always attempted to sneak in her room to read so I could understand what her world was like.  She being five years older I always wanted to know what she was doing so I could use that knowledge to plan ahead for myself to reduce my anxiety of the unknown.  She was my window into the future but I being five years younger always got caught, always told to her stuff alone so there was always that level of mystery that my imagination and love of movies could dream up all sorts of things.

Was she Molly Ringwald from Sixteen Candles who felt awkward and felt everyone forgot her but ended up with the coolest guy in school?

Was she Alicia Silverston from Clueless popular and everyone wanted to be her?

Was she Julia Robert's from Sleeping with the Enemy?

From my sister's point of view what did the world look like.  Who did she talk to? What was she struggling with? What could have happened?

While I waited for phone to backup onto my laptop I thought of all the other apps and access I may need.  I didn't know how long I would be granted access to her phone as my brother in law said, "So you can get pictures for the funeral."  My time was short but I needed to be thorough and I knew it.  There were too many unanswered questions.  

I researched and discovered I could back up a Facebook Account.  I started a list of things I needed to backup so I could access even when I didn't have the physical phone.

My mom had gone to work as it was monthend.  She told them she was given cellphone and the intern perked up.  He was an Accounting major but had worked for a cellphone company.  When my mom came home my dad was already tasked with finding an iPhone same version as my sisters.  It could be used but had to be same version and we needed it as soon as possible.  

If you haven't already guested it we needed a new phone because we had someone who could clone her phone.  This would allow us to gather as much information as we could even after returning her actual phone to my brother-in-law.  Time was of the essence.  I was still tasked with backing everything I could to my laptop because in addition to photos and wanting to put together a slideshow for the funeral home we had a lot of other things now happening.

Wednesday was coming and we had to meet my brother-in-law and his mom to choose flower arrangements and then it was the big day.  Mom and dad would be visiting the City Police Department the jurisdiction my sister lived in as my parents live in the township.  They were going to discuss our concerns that there was fowl play.  Anxiety for me was at all time high... is this reality? 

Focus in the task at hand... backup everything I can and go through photos while I waited and place them in a folder for dad to convert to slideshow.

Time was ticking and it was going to be another late night. Little did I know Wednesday would have another emotional hurdle to overcome.

To be continued...

aMAYSing Thoughts 


Validation

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