Brain Fog is Real

My mind has been racing, my insomnia is in full force, anxiety is high, depression is also high, and I have been in a fog.

I try so had to be self-aware so my feelings and issues don't affect anyone but myself.  Why is it that I can know all of these symptoms are present but the reason is always a surprise after the fact?

Many of these symptoms have I can see a consistant pattern year to year relating to a specific date on the calendar that has significance. 

I remember this first started after my Grandpa H passed away.  On 1/3/2002, I lost one of my most favorite people on this planet.  He was my friend, my grandpa, and I loved him so much.  I was his Beaner and that day my world shook and it was the most heartbreaking thing.  

On 1/3/2003, it was a fog thick with memories I wanted to rewind the clocks and relive.  This day was also the day my brother-in-law's work was on the news because of a major fire due to arson.  My older sister was scared and devastated that her husband may lose his job.  This was the same job that 11 years later he was terminated from after my sister's death for his failed drug tests.

On 1/3/2004, my fog was thick again but I had some distraction.  I was in pain... I self assessed and determined it was either a ruptured ovarian cyst or my appendix.  I had to wait for my dad to come home from visiting my Great Grandpa K after he was with him all night because the end was near.  My dad came home to take me to hospital and as we left the house the phone rang that my Great Grandpa K passed away.  After walking into hospital having taken no pain medication it was determined I needed an emergency appendectomy.  Needless to say I left the hospital minus an appendix and was at the funeral home within 48 hours.   Some things you need to do for your own mental closure as to not allow denial to set in too long.  I could not allow my physical pain to to stop me from telling my Great Grandpa K goodbye and to ask him to give my Great Grandma K an kiss for me.  

Basically, January 3rd has had a lot of significance.  I know my New Years funk is usually due to events that occurred on this date.  Birthdays trigger similar emotions.  My Grandpa H was born October 15th, my Great Auntie M was August 8th, my sister's birthday January 16th.  All have a fog on the calendar in my mind and I have to acknowledge it and deal with it.

I am struggling now to identify the other dates that were once joyful and exciting but now leave me in this fog.  I don't think of them with regret, pain, loss, or anything negative.  I also don't experience the same reminiscing I do with dates like January 3rd.  The fog is thicker and less clear.  I end up with nightmares and if much more depressive fret that the root cause is masked to me.  Then the "Ah ha!" moment comes and the fog begins to life even though the feeling remains.

These days I am talking are days like May 20th, November 1st, and Decber 22nd. Otherwise known as my older sister's birthdays, and my birthday.  These days should be great but just make my heart feel like it is breaking and my mind feel like it can't keep up.  So many birthdays where I was denied seeing my nieces have left me with sadness that now even when I do see them I can't muster the joy I should feel.  Knowing my sister is not here to arrange the epic birthdays for her girls is difficult because I am no substitute for her.  I am me the responsible less spontaneous hates to get messy one.  I am not fun like she was and I am sad they won't experience her happiness and love.

My birthday is yet just another reminder of her absence.  This year is a milestone that I dread not because of it being another decade older more that it is a milestone she never made it to.  She deserves to be here.  She would have begged for attention and played it off and annoyance but secretly loving every minute.

My wear my heart on my sleeve and am 100% honest.  So I have a hear time masking these feeling from my nieces.  My anxiety, worry, and fretting cause my social anxiety to increase and I just fo not want to be around people in general.  I feel I have to put on the good face when around others and I just do not want to.  The fog is thick and sometimes I just do not want to figure out why it is happening or overcome it.  

I know my nieces deserve better.  I will do my best as the Auntie I am but I feel like the movie Raising Helen.  My sister picked Joan Cusak's character and sometimes I feel she should have picked Kate Hudson's character because like the movie Kate Hudson's character was more like Felicity Huffman's character.  

I just wish these emotions and fog could occur when I have time to let it happen or present itself in a way I can more quickly identify it.  The slow movement of fog rolling in through insomnia, or nightmarish dreams makes me less alert overall to figure it out with time to deal with it before having to put on the brave face.

“When it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen.” - Raising Helen (letter to Helen from Lindsay)

*Please note I am not Guardian of my nieces.  I am however stepping up to the plate as their Auntie Trina who will be there for them no matter what.  My sister's wishes were not documented and so it is out of my control as to who is appointed for the girls.  Regardless of legalities I will be there for them whatever they may need for as long as I am on this planet.  Same goes for my nephew and niece from my little sister and my best friends boys. 

aMAYSing Thoughts 

Family Time isn't Free

*Photo was taken when we lived in Missouri.  This is at Anheuser-Busch/Grant's Farm we did the tour of brewery and then got to see the Stables with the Clydesdales.

Family time has always been important to us.  From driving "home" to Michigan when we lived out of state to trips like Disney World, Merrimack Caverns, Cedar Point, and Winston Salem.

One vacation destination that my parents have prioritized since 2006 is Outer Banks, NC.  This wasn't a family vacation rather couples that rented a beach house for a week of ocean front beach relaxation.  I was not allowed to go until I was married so my husband and first went in 2008 and I have gone every year since.

My older sister always wanted to go and it was a sore subject.  My parents rule was that you had to find your own way there and pay your way.  My sister didn't have reliable transportation that could make the trip and didn't work somewhere that would allow her to take the 9 consecutive days off to make the trip.

When I think about it now I am just annoyed wondering what level of manipulation caused her to not be able to attend.  My brother-in-law would play the money woes card for vehicle repairs, and other necessities.  Seeing that he was the sole person in charge of the finances and that she was in the relationship she was in I feel bad she didn't have the opportunity to go to OBX.  

We were discussing a girls trip prior to her death.  My little sister wanted to see her all time favorite Britney Spears when she was in Las Vegas for a small bachelorette party with the concert being the priority.  My older sister had just found out she bonused her new store and was awarded General Manager of the year.  She had the money to book the plane fare and was excited to go on a trip.

Little did we know there were other plans.  Within weeks of her discussing she could go she was gone.  She missed out on a lot of opportunities some due to her own choices but now I question how many were not in her control but something she was having to hide.

This year my parents, my older sister's daughters, my little sister's family, my husband, and myself.  My older sister's youngest asked me if her mom ever went to OBX.  I said unfortunately not and then she of course asked why?  I explained her work schedule but knew I was not saying my true thoughts. 

When someone uses manipulation to the level my brother-in-law did it is hard to distinguish what is real.  If he were using their money more responsibly could she have come to more family trips?  

Why does money have to play such a major role in everything?  My parents are out their retirement funds fighting for my sister paying for an investigation the police did not do. My sister struggled with finances her whole adult life from back rent to getting my brother-in-law garnishments, school loans, child support, etc. 

Throughout this process we have lost so much.  The four of us left of my family of five gave all lost jobs, depleted accounts, and overall have struggled.  A conviction does not change these facts.  We still are struggling.

I am greatful for our week in OBX this year but it brings up so many thoughts I struggle with.  For instance, we went to OBX and I worked all week remotely.  I am not pictured in the vacation because I was working.

My husband and I depleted our savings to take my nieces to Disney in March.  We returned and his first day back to work he was terminated.  The struggles are never ending.

Fact we would have some relief if the civil case settlement signed my by brother-in-law in law accepting responsibility for my sister's death and the award of 2 million he was to pay us were collectable these struggles may be viewed differently.

It all is a manipulation you can take responsibility and know you will never pay the settlement awarded and that is acceptable.  You can also let a family lose everything while they do the job you earn you paycheck and that too is acceptable.

What isn't acceptable is wanting those held accountable for their actions.  That shouldn't be too much to ask for.

Just my mental ramblings that have been swimming through my brain.

aMAYSing Thoughts