When I answered it was crying. A familiar cry and then the voice, "Is this real?" Instantly, I am awake and am triggered to tears. With as steady of a voice as I could manage I replied, "Unfortunately, yes." The next question was, "You aren't going to work today, right?" My response was, "No I'll get dressed and go to mom and dads." The last thing I heard was, "Ok good, see you soon."
I don't know what it is about those close family connections that causes you to react. I mean is it empathy that causes it? If my parents or sisters are laughing I am instantly laughing too, yet, trying to figure out what we are laughing about simultaneously. If I hear the catch or subtle hitch in their voice let alone see a tear I am instantly in tears myself. That connection keeps me up late at night wondering why I didn't know my brother-in-law. I knew my sister so well yet the man who spent 16 years with her I found out I knew little about.
I called in to the credit union and texted my assistant. I let my assistant know if she needed anything to let me know. I was reminded by work that I only had three days bereavement for a sibling. Mind you I had spent the last 3 years receiving award for not calling in because I needed the sick days payed out at end of year so I could pay bills. It was September and I was on for award and full payout, again in 2014. I said I would use a sick day for Monday and Tuesday. I would get back with them once the arrangements were made that day with the funeral home.
Looking back on it now my work seriously had zero empathy. I didn't work for a huge international organization like Chase Bank. I worked for a small organization that wanted to act like they were big business. I was not leaving my branch unsupervised. My assistant was there the remainder of the week. My staff was aMAYSing and they knew they could call me anytime. Upper management made me feel like it was an inconvenience for them. I will get into this more as I continue to process the last seven years. There is a lot of trauma and PTSD regarding my sister's death but my toxic work environment and their lack of empathy added another layer of it's o trauma and PTSD.
My husband was relieved I was not going to work that day. I spent the day with my sister and nieces. My Facebook still pops up the video I took of my baby niece in her jumper toy bouncing and full of smiles. There is also the silly videos of my sister wearing my older nieces Frozen leggings on her head pretending to be Elsa and singing "Let it Go."
There was laughter and silliness but I think we all knew we had to live in that moment right there because the next days would be something none of us could plan for or even understand.
My mom informed us of the funeral arrangements. There would be a rosary service at the funeral home on Friday and mass funeral service at our church the following day (Saturday). These dates were tentative as her body was ordered to have an autopsy conducted because of how she was found. Then my mom handed me my sisters cell phone as my brother-in-law thought I may want to get pictures for the funeral from it.
I am a scrapbooker but my parents have documented our whole lives on video or photographs. What my brother-in-law failed to realize is he gave me the key her world and I am not talking about Disney.
I typed in the passcode and I was in... all access pass... where to go first?
To be continued...
aMAYSing Thoughts
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