Crime Victims Advocate

Note... this photo was taken 4/27/2014... 5 months before Christy's death and a month before the baby was born... we were going to Painting with a Twist and realized it was just the 5 of us no spouses just US we went to dinner after painting to my mom's favorite Lone Star... this is the last photo of the 5 of us ever taken.

This process has been difficult to say the least.  Having public know of my sister's death doesn't mean they grasp what has transpired over the last seven and a half years.

People don't pay attention to details and just want the bullet points version of life. I have an over analytical brain.  I am a Mortgage Auditor so literally I am paid to look at the details.

I really have a hard time with is those that have been there throughout this process that reinvision the events based on how it can look good for them.  

Years of emails, direct messages, voicemails and even being turned away when visiting the physical office.  One meeting granted after contact was made by the former state attorney general.  One meeting in the five years it took for them the arrest my brother-in-law.  All levels of government either pointed in the direction of local law enforcement, ignored all together or stated basically, "not their department."

I am not just identifying a single department that did this... it was ALL levels of authority.  It was City, County, State, and both law enforcement as well as government authorities like the prosecutor, attorney general, etc.

It is easy to look at death by heroin toxicity as "accidental" except I don't believe it is that easy.  If the autopsy is literally unremarkable on every organ system... healthy no evidence of deterioration or negative effects of drug use such as heroin then tell me how it is "accidental" and not questioned by authorities receiving the report prior to its publishing who have received visits from both sides of family suggesting the spouse did something to cause the death.  How is that not questioned... how is it not acknowledged that errors were made?

I am the type of person who owns up to mistakes, I correct wrongs, I ask for forgiveness if it is something I did wrong.  Why is it ok to knowingly allow someone to spend every dime they have to do the work you are getting a paycheck to do?  Why is it ok to not correct that wrong?  The evidence used in the criminal investigation that was obtained by the civil case that was funded solely by my parents retirement funds should be reimbursed.

My mother was awarded as Crime Victims Advocate of the Year but really she herself is a victim that the Crime Victims Advocates stated when she contacted them seven years ago that she had done everything they would recommend.  Yet no action was taking place.  

How do you honor someone you made help their ownself?  How do you stand up retell their story to ignore the details?  She didn't start communicating four years after the death that is simply when you chose to read one of the correspondences.

Call me negative... call me a cynic... but I call it truthful.  Don't give my mother a plaque when you should be reimbursing my parents retirement funds for the investigation and evidence you used in the criminal trial to win the big case you are now using for you political kudos since this is an election year.

Crime Victims Advocate department cannot help in the event law enforcement are unwilling to ask or accept help.  The thing that needs to change is the idea of the Crime Victims Advocate department.  It isnt enough they provide a list of organizations that can help in the event of lost wages, medical assistance, mental health, and safe place for domestic violence victims.  It isn't good enough.  

Also, it was commented yesterday ABC 20/20 has shown interest in our story... please note it is considered news so again airing on 20/20 doesn't mean my family has received any compensation for "selling our story".  

Telling the truth is the compensation and hoping know one else has to go through this and shining a light to encourage Change to Improve our Broken System.

aMAYSing Thoughts 

Easter Thoughts

Easter is one of those Holiday's we celebrated every year.  Like pumpkin carving for Halloween we always color Easter eggs.  I for one am the type that hates getting messy and always uses a tool to get eggs out of the dye.  I never enjoyed the egg dye stains on my hands because it always made me feel like I had to wash my hands.

My older sister is the exact opposite.  She would wear her dye colored hands like a badge of armor that she accomplished something and it proved she had a great time.  

Our family tradition was to color eggs, of course. Easter morning was always up before the sun heading to church for 6:30 am mass.  We were never allowed in the living room and weren't allowed to look around house.  It was always get up go to bathroom, back to bedroom to get dressed, hair brushed and then directly to the van to get to church.

I member the priest in Davison when we first moved here would get mass done in 30-40 mins tops.  Nothing was skipped but just super efficient so that the masses that followed would stay on schedule.  We always have been a 1st mass on Sunday kind of family. If we didn't make the first mass we wouldn't be attending that week.  We always sit in the same section.  I know now as an adult where I have had to attend later masses due to my brother-in-law family's preferences that I do not enjoy later masses.  My social anxiety is heightened when the church is full.  I think back on the times prior to Covid-19 when even our large church was standing room due to the pews being full.  I probably will always be a first mass person even though currently I am a virtual mass via church Facebook Live attendee.

When mass was over we would return home and have to change and congregate in a central location.  Then we received instructions which would include if there were designated areas or other rules.  Then it was on the family room was usually where the eggs were hidden.  These were never plastic eggs filled with something but our actual colored Easter eggs that mom would later turn into deviled eggs.  Then it was the baskets always hidden and we most often knew whose was whose based on colors.  We would get the same things but one would be teal or orange (my older sister), blue or yellow (my little sister), and pink or purple would be mine.

Easter dinner was not always the same.  We have had everything from porketta (omg now I nee to go to Norway aka U.P so I can get a freezer full from the local grocery store), ham, roast, nd honey baked ham for sandwiches.  Who we celebrated with varied year to year as well.  I have memories at my with my Great Grandpa's brother's house, my grandparents' both in Michigan and in "Shady" aka Shady Valley, TN, our house, Bavarian Inn, Pratt Lake, and my little sister's.

One thing is Easter always had church and family.  I always looked forward to having my own kids to prepare baskets for and prep for Easter pictures.  Establishing and continuing traditions and evolving them as they grow older.  It is hard to see posts on social media of everyones kids on holidays like this.  Some infertility stories don't result in children.  This is difficult to navigate especially as pre-menopause symptoms being.  

The promise I made to my sister makes this even harder especially when the arrangement is as it is currently.  Currently my nieces are in a 50/50 guardianship with my mother and my brother-in-law's mother.  This means the girls travel between the two homes every other week.  It also means holidays are rotated on an every other guardian basis.

Last week the girls were staying at my brother-in-law's mother's and it happened to be her holiday.  Exchanging of the girls occured at 6:00 pm verses the normal 4:30 pm due to the holiday.  That makes thinking about traditions even harder since I know what my older sister's wishes were.  This process of waiting seven years for justice hasn't ended.  My sister would not wish this arrangement for her daughter's.  It is frustrating that even though his actions were considered the worse form of child abuse aka killing their mother.  He still has parental rights and they have not been terminated.  Things like this I used to assume were automatically set in place based on verdict and sentencing.  I find you can't assume and he still is getting the benefit of courts slow timeline while we continue to watch the girls grow with age.  We are no longer discussing issues of a 4 month old and a 4 year old who just lost their month.  We are discussing a 7 almost 8 year old and a 12.5 year old who lost their mother 7 years ago as a direct result of their father's actions.

Easter is a holiday my older sister loved and it pains me that I cannot ensure her girls are able to celebrate in our families traditions rather his families traditions.  I just wish time could freeze on the girls growing so that courts can get their act together so we don't lose anymore time. 

Holidays are hard because they bring back past memories but also gives me time to reflect and wish for the future ones to come.  I just hope we can celebrate as I know my sister would have wanted someday.

aMAYSing Thoughts 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014 - Part 1

It was still dark out and I had no ideal what time it was.  I woke up to the familiar sound but realized quickly it was not my alarm.  Once I realized this my second thought was I hated the ATM and alarms at work.  If this were a call because of a bill jam or a tripped alarm it wouldn't be anything new.  I answered awaiting to here which automated digitized voice would be on the other end.

When I answered it was crying.  A familiar cry and then the voice, "Is this real?" Instantly, I am awake and am triggered to tears.  With as steady of a voice as I could manage I replied, "Unfortunately, yes." The next question was, "You aren't going to work today, right?"  My response was, "No I'll get dressed and go to mom and dads."  The last thing I heard was, "Ok good, see you soon."

I don't know what it is about those close family connections that causes you to react.  I mean is it empathy that causes it? If my parents or sisters are laughing I am instantly laughing too, yet, trying to figure out what we are laughing about simultaneously.  If I hear the catch or subtle hitch in their voice let alone see a tear I am instantly in tears myself.  That connection keeps me up late at night wondering why I didn't know my brother-in-law.  I knew my sister so well yet the man who spent 16 years with her I found out I knew little about.

I called in to the credit union and texted my assistant.  I let my assistant know if she needed anything to let me know.  I was reminded by work that I only had three days bereavement for a sibling.  Mind you I had spent the last 3 years receiving award for not calling in because I needed the sick days payed out at end of year so I could pay bills.  It was September and I was on for award and full payout, again in 2014. I said I would use a sick day for Monday and Tuesday.  I would get back with them once the arrangements were made that day with the funeral home.

Looking back on it now my work seriously had zero empathy. I didn't work for a huge international organization like Chase Bank. I worked for a small organization that wanted to act like they were big business.  I was not leaving my branch unsupervised.  My assistant was there the remainder of the week.  My staff was aMAYSing and they knew they could call me anytime. Upper management made me feel like it was an inconvenience for them.  I will get into this more as I continue to process the last seven years.  There is a lot of trauma and PTSD regarding my sister's death but my toxic work environment and their lack of empathy added another layer of it's o trauma and PTSD.

My husband was relieved I was not going to work that day.  I spent the day with my sister and nieces.  My Facebook still pops up the video I took of my baby niece in her jumper toy bouncing and full of smiles.  There is also the silly videos of my sister wearing my older nieces Frozen leggings on her head pretending to be Elsa and singing "Let it Go."

There was laughter and silliness but I think we all knew we had to live in that moment right there because the next days would be something none of us could plan for or even understand.

My mom informed us of the funeral arrangements.  There would be a rosary service at the funeral home on Friday and mass funeral service at our church the following day (Saturday). These dates were tentative as her body was ordered to have an autopsy conducted because of how she was found.  Then my mom handed me my sisters cell phone as my brother-in-law thought I may want to get pictures for the funeral from it.

I am a scrapbooker but my parents have documented our whole lives on video or photographs.  What my brother-in-law failed to realize is he gave me the key her world and I am not talking about Disney.

I typed in the passcode and I was in... all access pass... where to go first?

To be continued...

aMAYSing Thoughts