I worked at a credit union for 10 years from hiring in as a teller to branch manager and then I handled all deceased accounts prior to be let go. I have seen people at their best and worst when it comes to their finances. When someone makes arrangements the financial institution must follow them as written and cannot make assumptions or judgements outside of that. I have seen the ugliest sides of people when it comes to the death of a loved one.
Death of loved ones are always difficult and impact you in different ways. I grew up having 3 great-grandparents, all 4 grandparents, many great aunts and uncles that I have personally known and love. My first close loss was my Mamaw when I was in 7th grade. It wasn't until I was 19 that I would have my Grandpa pass away. Experiencing these losses have been so different than the loss of a sister. The lives of my other relatives still hurts, is devastating and I miss them dearly. I am able to handle them better because they were natural causes, they were older and they weren't so sudden.
I have witnessed ugliness in my family which made my sisters and I plan how we would handle things differently. We determined it would be open communication amongst the three of us no one elses involvement (spouses, kids, etc). When our Mamaw passed we witnessed family gathering items throughout her house. The ugliest part of this memory is witnessing family at the dining room table with an dresser drawer full of jewelry, a piece of glass, and a mirror testing to see what was real or fake the evening of the funeral. To be clear the five of us were not involved in this but witnessing it has impacted my life from that moment forward. My sisters and I agreed... that would not be us.
Open communication and an understanding that we would be dividing everything in 3 ways. My parents have me as executor and I know I am to seperate into thirds but the extra percentage goes to my older sister.
My sister discussed her wishes when she, my brother-in-law and niece were in a head on collision. She told me no matter what promise I would take care of her daughter. My niece was unharmed in the accident, my sister and her husband had minor injuries nothing serious. The scare my sister had as the other car crossed over the line and into their lane heading straight for them was one that she had a hard time shaking. A car accident makes you realize you can't always control what is happening.
I found this out years previously when I was seventeen. I was at an intersection at a complete stop waiting to make a left turn. My blinker was on, and I remember telling myself, "Car Car Semi Space Truck." I waited and in order passed car... car... semi... foot off break... wait... What is happening, brace myself lock my arms hold the steering wheel... all I see is grey... what is happening... close my eyes... ok open. Ok... I am in opposite lane as though I am going in opposite direction and there is a white car with the front end smashed.
I was rear ended by an older man who said he didn't see me and he was going over 50 mph on impact. My two door Chevrolet Cavalier crushed like an accordion around my driver side and because he moved his wheel over and hit me a headlight off center that set me into a spin. All of those events were out of my control. I couldn't plan for them and it was terrifying have no clue what was happening or why it was happening.
Losing my sister has felt like my accident expect rather than being able to process the situation minutes after it happened when I finally stopped moving, this time I was set into a spin that seven years later still hasn't stopped moving.
My sister's accident made her realize she needed plans for her daughter in the event anything would happen. When she had my other niece 4 years later she asked me again to promise to take care of both of them. Mind you, I sincerely said, "Yes" but anyone asked to do this never thinks they will have to do this.
When I was told about my sister my first thought was her girls... what would I have to do to make sure they were safe and ok. I promised and I make good on promises. I spent five years without any charges against my brother-in-law leaving me aware of all the evidence yet he had full parental control. I worked every connection I had and researched every event to ensure even when he wouldn't allow me to see them they knew I was there for them. I attended first communion, school music performances, and church functions. I discovered birthday party locations and even observed soccer games. Once he became a board member of the soccer organization, my dad and I were banned from attending any other games than my best friends son as we were his adult supervision due to his parents work schedules. I can research my way into the ultimate Helicopter Aunt.
All adults on both sides are aware that I am the chosen person to take care of the girls in the event anything were to happen to my sister and her husband. This was their decision yet they did not put it in writing. The moment my sister died he became sole parent with full parental rights even though their was evidence he was the reason my sister was gone. Upon his arrest he was given the choice on where his children would go and he chose have it be his mother. He isn't thinking of his girls and what is best for them he is thinking of revenge and what is best for him... aka ugliness.
Seeing the girls struggle with what the court is determining is fair is awful. I feel like my brother-in-law is sitting at a table with his mother and are going through a dresser drawer to determine what has cash value. The worst part is my nieces have cash value.
If you are reading this and have children of your own please put your wishes for who you want to care for them in writing. Have it notarized and in duplicate. Provide a copy to who you want to care for them, one where you keep your important papers, and even a safe deposit box.
Ugliness surfaces often when a loved one passes. You see a different perspective and side to people. Family dynamics are put to the test when it comes to handling someones estate. Open communication before hand and proper documentation can not only give everyone peace of mind it can protect you from the ugliness that may be lying just below the surface.
aMAYSing Thoughts