Amaysing Thoughts is about the Mays Family unwillingness to let a daughter's/sister's death go unresolved and let her husband get away with murder.

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Family Dynamics

Family dynamic is huge when you consider how things are handled after you leave this world.  

I worked at a credit union for 10 years from hiring in as a teller to branch manager and then I handled all deceased accounts prior to be let go.  I have seen people at their best and worst when it comes to their finances.  When someone makes arrangements the financial institution must follow them as written and cannot make assumptions or judgements outside of that.  I have seen the ugliest sides of people when it comes to the death of a loved one.

Death of loved ones are always difficult and impact you in different ways.  I grew up having 3 great-grandparents, all 4 grandparents, many great aunts and uncles that I have personally known and love.  My first close loss was my Mamaw when I was in 7th grade.  It wasn't until I was 19 that I would have my Grandpa pass away.  Experiencing these losses have been so different than the loss of a sister.  The lives of my other relatives still hurts, is devastating and I miss them dearly.  I am able to handle them better because they were natural causes, they were older and they weren't so sudden.  

I have witnessed ugliness in my family which made my sisters and I plan how we would handle things differently.  We determined it would be open communication amongst the three of us no one elses involvement (spouses, kids, etc). When our Mamaw passed we witnessed family gathering items throughout her house.  The ugliest part of this memory is witnessing family at the dining room table with an dresser drawer full of jewelry, a piece of glass, and a mirror testing to see what was real or fake the evening of the funeral.  To be clear the five of us were not involved in this but witnessing it has impacted my life from that moment forward.  My sisters and I agreed... that would not be us.

Open communication and an understanding that we would be dividing everything in 3 ways.  My parents have me as executor and I know I am to seperate into thirds but the extra percentage goes to my older sister.

My sister discussed her wishes when she, my brother-in-law and niece were in a head on collision.  She told me no matter what promise I would take care of her daughter.  My niece was unharmed in the accident, my sister and her husband had minor injuries nothing serious.  The scare my sister had as the other car crossed over the line and into their lane heading straight for them was one that she had a hard time shaking.  A car accident makes you realize you can't always control what is happening.

I found this out years previously when I was seventeen.  I was at an intersection at a complete stop waiting to make a left turn. My blinker was on, and I remember telling myself, "Car Car Semi Space Truck." I waited and in order passed car... car... semi... foot off break... wait... What is happening, brace myself lock my arms hold the steering wheel... all I see is grey... what is happening... close my eyes... ok open. Ok... I am in opposite lane as though I am going in opposite direction and there is a white car with the front end smashed.

I was rear ended by an older man who said he didn't see me and he was going over 50 mph on impact.  My two door Chevrolet Cavalier crushed like an accordion around my driver side and because he moved his wheel over and hit me a headlight off center that set me into a spin.  All of those events were out of my control.  I couldn't plan for them and it was terrifying have no clue what was happening or why it was happening.

Losing my sister has felt like my accident expect rather than being able to process the situation minutes after it happened when I finally stopped moving, this time I was set into a spin that seven years later still hasn't stopped moving.

My sister's accident made her realize she needed plans for her daughter in the event anything would happen.  When she had my other niece 4 years later she asked me again to promise to take care of both of them.  Mind you, I sincerely said, "Yes" but anyone asked to do this never thinks they will have to do this.

When I was told about my sister my first thought was her girls... what would I have to do to make sure they were safe and ok.  I promised and I make good on promises.  I spent five years without any charges against my brother-in-law leaving me aware of all the evidence yet he had full parental control.  I worked every connection I had and researched every event to ensure even when he wouldn't allow me to see them they knew I was there for them.  I attended first communion, school music performances, and church functions.  I discovered birthday party locations and even observed soccer games.  Once he became a board member of the soccer organization, my dad and I were banned from attending any other games than my best friends son as we were his adult supervision due to his parents work schedules.  I can research my way into the ultimate Helicopter Aunt.

All adults on both sides are aware that I am the chosen person to take care of the girls in the event anything were to happen to my sister and her husband.  This was their decision yet they did not put it in writing. The moment my sister died he became sole parent with full parental rights even though their was evidence he was the reason my sister was gone.  Upon his arrest he was given the choice on where his children would go and he chose have it be his mother.  He isn't thinking of his girls and what is best for them he is thinking of revenge and what is best for him... aka ugliness.  

Seeing the girls struggle with what the court is determining is fair is awful. I feel like my brother-in-law is sitting at a table with his mother and are going through a dresser drawer to determine what has cash value.  The worst part is my nieces have cash value.

If you are reading this and have children of your own please put your wishes for who you want to care for them in writing.  Have it notarized and in duplicate.  Provide a copy to who you want to care for them, one where you keep your important papers, and even a safe deposit box.

Ugliness surfaces often when a loved one passes.  You see a different perspective and side to people.  Family dynamics are put to the test when it comes to handling someones estate.  Open communication before hand and proper documentation can not only give everyone peace of mind it can protect you from the ugliness that may be lying just below the surface.

aMAYSing Thoughts

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Sacraments and Milestones


As stated previously, throughout the years since my sister passed I have had many thoughts.  Some more personal than other but working through these thoughts is something I must deal with in order to move forward.  I must also do this to help my nieces move forward so we are not all living as though it is September 29, 2014 but rather a new year 2022 post conviction, verdict, and sentencing.

I have been aware of God and my faith partly because of the inherited Catholic Guilt that would keep me up nights when I was little.  It was for no apparent reason just this sense of guilt or that I did something wrong.  I don't question my faith because it has honestly always made sense to me.  Many people wish to debate faith and science but even with my love for science I have been able to rationalize things that allows me to believe in both.  I am not here to tell you about Catholicism or Darwin. I am going to share one of my struggles of the past seven years.  Church is a sacred place where you can sit and contemplate events and thoughts to help you deal with them.  Listening to the theme presented at mass and how the priest relates what the bible says to current events alkows you to consider other perspectives.  

My struggles are not with God, the bible, or my religion but rather my sacred place... my church itself.  Those that say change churches dont understand my need to consistancy.  With all the moves at a young age I longed for a place to set roots and be mine.  When moving to Davison in 1993 we became members of the local catholic church.  This was the same church my great-uncle and godparents were members of.  Fast-forward to 2014 it was the place my little sister had first communion, the place I chose to get married, where my little sister got married, where my nieces and nephew were baptized, where I became a godmother, and where we opted to celebrate numerous family functions from open houses, baby showers, bridal showers, and Just Because parties. It is also the place church where I last saw my sister's face before they closed her casket and where I last saw that casket ever again.  

Church is a building but when so many important life changing moments happen in one place it becomes more than the brick and mortar but a connection to your core emotions.  That place is a safe harbor for you to bare your soul.  I have experienced trauma like losing my beloved Grandpa, handling a life threatening diagnosis that alters how I live my life forever, the inability to bare children, handling all those around me having children, and then to lose a sister but be stifled from expressing my emotions and thoughts as to not jeopardize the "on-going" investigation.  Church should be one place I can go to be one with my thoughts.  

It would be that place if it were for a few things.  One is that my older sister's in-laws changed parishes to our church when they moved in early 2000's from Burton, MI to Davison, MI mind you it was a 15 minute difference in.  To further complicate matters their original parish ended up merging into our parish in mid 2010's.  

Why would this be a problem you may ask... well for the past seven years his family and friends have lived as though my sister was the sole person responsible for her death.   Anything to the contrary was my families inability to deal with her death.  My brother-in-law made sure to infiltrate the community to make it appear as though he was an upstanding member of the community being on the board of AYSO and member of the parish's Men's Club.  His mother is an active member helping with youth group as well as traveling with the parish abroad.  Mind you she has stated since sentencing that it doesn't make sense because, "There is no real evidence to say he did it."  Overall, this makes "sanctuary" (if you are me you Invision this word being yelled by Quasimodo in Hunchback of Notre Dame) less secure and makes you feel on edge.

The judge said it best when he said to my brother-in-law, "You not only made your children's mother out to be a drug user you turned her and her whole family into liars when really it is you who is the liar."

Since 2014, I have struggled a lot with going to church.  I have had to research to find event dates so I could witness my niece/goddaughter first reconciliation and first communion.  I sat and had to watch my brother-in-law, the woman who moved in 1 week after my sisters funeral, and his family participate as a family of faith knowing full well he had broken almost all 10 commandments.

The following is an email draft I wrote in 2016.  I was writing with the mindset of speaking to my priest.

Email Draft dated 9/27/2016...

Sunday was my first time entering church since Christy's memorial mass Sept 2015. 

What is church to me... a safe place where I can speak to god and learn more about my faith.

When my sister was wheeled out on a gurney covered in a blanket and I watched her lifted into an ambulance where the lights were never turned on as it pulled away I had many questions that flew through my mind.

Approaching my brother-in-law for the first time,  I had enough respect for you, Father, to apologize for the words I was about to say. When I stated, "How the F*** does this happen?" I continued to respect you by apologizing again for my lack of finding a more appropriate word to use.  You comforted me in that time accepting my apology and granting me forgiveness with your hands clasped and your gentle nod.

I took on the role of Godmother so from that moment on I ensured Hailey attended church classes (PREP). I was reluctant to have his girlfriends daughter attend with my niece the first time. I was instructed to drop the two of them off together. The church allowing her to continue the class has been a struggle for me not only because she is a year older than my niece but the church is just accommodating him for no apparent reason. He is now attempting to have the girlfriends daughter rushed to be baptized in order to receive Reconcilation/ Communion simultaneously with niece.  This is adding even more to my frustration. 

He is only chosing to pick up the girls from PREP Sunday Mornings because he when he gets them from class he proceeds walk into the Parish Hall to receive free donuts never actually attending mass.  I found out recently he has received clothing for the girls after my sister's death.  This is an ethical violation to me, as well. You see my mother and I have always purchased clothes for my niece now nieces as a way of helping my sister financially. The churches donations has allowed his girlfriend to sell the new unused clothes making a profit.  His girlfriend also moved in the weekend after sister's funeral.  

I wanted to protect the churches resources. Since my dad works from home I asked that he call to make an appointment with you. For one, I didn't want the church to waste resources on my brother-in-law that could be used for others in need and two, I had/have a growing hatred for him that I felt speaking to "My Priest" could help me understand. 

The ignoring my request for a meeting and the fact that you said to my dad I will call you this week and the phone call never happened just making me lose faith in MY Church. 

I do not blame God for the death of my sister. Many have asked me why do I think God had this plan... my response is this wasn't God's Plan... God cannot predict the Devils work all he can do is adapt to the situation and lead those affected by the Devils work to a place of acceptance and understanding. Issue...my brother in law preformed the Devils work, he is working to eliminate the memory of my sisters existence for my nieces. I was addressed by his girlfriend last year on the soccer field to explain why I told Hailey it is inappropriate to call her mom and that I had no right to say that to her.  My niece was 4 yrs old lost her mother and her dad's relationship was less that a year.  My response was, I am her godmother and labels in the church are extremely important and sacred. It is important she learn to respect the dead and her mother so until she can understand this situation it is inappropriate to even ask her to call anyone mom. She argued and said basically it didn't matter and I said the Catholic Church honors thy mother and father and there is only one Holy Mary Mother of God so maybe she needs to learn to respect the dead and honor those that gave life to my niece.

I have hatred for my brother-in-law and his actions.   I have disappointment in the actions of My Church. I no longer feel safe there. Instead it is a place that cannot see the devil when he is present and everytime my brother-in-law is there the devil is present.

..... this concluded my email thoughts.

As I read it again I still feel the same about much of it.  Saturday I sat behind my older sister's mother-in-law during her baby girls Reconciliation mass.  I sat two pews away from my priest as he spoke of remembering their baptism as I reflected it was a short time after my niece's baptism my sister was taken from me.  I sat with my eyes welling up.  I instantly broke my eye contact with my priest unable look at him the remainder of the service.  Even though sentencing is over his family is still controlling the girls as courts take their time.  

I wish for the day I can walk in and not feel as though I have to hide my thoughts.  I also wish for a day I didn't have to be confronted with his side of the family in a place I hold dear.

I still love my church and the memories in it I hold dear.  I just am not able to attend without being guarded and aware that my family has been a topic of discussion for years.  I will wait as long as I have to because I know my faith is strong. I also know have done nothing that warrants shame or needs forgiveness.

God sees what you do and how you treat people and that is what matters.

aMAYSing Thoughts.

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Our Family's Foundation



Every relationship has a foundation, the support in which holds it up.  The foundation is what is constructed first.  My families foundation is what makes us who we are and why we are as close as we are.  I know people who know me will eye roll because when explaining anything I start from the beginning but it is my process.  To understand this situation in its entirety I must start from the bottom up.

We moved 5 states in the first 10 years of my life.  I was the first of my sisters to start a school and finish all the grades in that school without having it disrupted by a move.  That school was Davison Middle School.  I started Kindergarten in Indiana, finished in North Carolina, started 2nd grade in North Carolina finished in Missouri, started fifth grade in Missouri and finished in Davison, Michigan. Both of my sister's and I graduated from Davison High School.

The moves were strategic for my dad's employment but caused the three of us girls to leave behind our whole social network and start from scratch every time. When you don't know anyone you spend a lot of time playing, arguing, laughing, and understanding your siblings.  This established a close bond that many don't experience because they have their friends and social network to distract them on a regular basis.  We relied on our parents and they were the only grown ups we knew everywhere we were.  The five of us were the only constants we had.

As a kid, the moves felt like we were told and the next thing we knew a sign was in our yard. Software is a fast moving environment.  I specifically remember our move from Missouri to Michigan where I went to school Friday in Missouri and Monday morning I was walking into a school in Michigan full of strangers hoping someone would be nice and I could make a friend.  

That first day walking into Hill Elementary school in Davison was anxiety overload.  Mrs. Kendall was not prepared for me so my desk was set directly next to hers away from everyone else.  This just added to my feelings of anxiety as I sat alone.  It did not help that Davison had over crowding issues so my entire neighborhood went to Gates Elementary leaving me the only one to have to take two buses to and from school because I had to attend Hill Elementary.  This meant I literally didn't know anyone in my neighborhood because I only saw them on the bus and I didn't live near anyone I was in school with.  Talk about a warm welcome.

In every state we lived I dreaded days like "Grandparents Day".  I was jealous of the people who had Grandparents who lived close enough come to school.  I also was jealous of others that the teacher would comment having taught the older sibling or parent.  Davison is the definition of a generational community.  Davison was extremely difficult to feel acceptance in.  Even when I did get to the high school no one knew I who I was because my big sister had a different last name.  Connections would be made usually around Parent/Teacher conferences because they would recognize my parents. It was also difficult to be a the little sister of a genius.  Literally, my big sister had a math brain I could never comprehend and while I tried hard I could never be as intellectual as her.  I also had my little sister coming up behind me so I felt the pressure to set a good example.  I didn't want her to have issues because I knew that she was way smarted than me too.  I was more of the honors classes with B average type of student not the straight A's.  The moves affected placement in classes everywhere we went.  I am not a test taker.  So basing placement on standardized tests, or assumptions of other states curriculum made finding our place in school more difficult.  

When I think of my parents grew up across the street from each other before my mom moved to Kearsley School District.   It does not seem real to me.  They have a network that now is multi-generational which all started in the Eastside of Flint.  Those families have branched out to the surrounding areas of Flint.  My parents can go anywhere and it seems they know someone.  

I have memories and friendships in five states that is completely one sided.  I don't know if I am remembered.  I don't know if we were just a blip of time that is forgotten, yet, I remember it all.  I remember Tripper in Florida, the old couple in Indiana that had a granddaughter I got to play with sometimes, Susan /Megan B/Megan S/Damon in North Carolina, and Amanda/Carlye/Christopher/Eric/David (the boy who went to Space Camp) in Missouri.  These people hold places in my memories but I have no idea if they remember me or my family.  

My memories are enhanced by the photo albums and home videos that my mom captured throughout the years.  We have almost every aspect of our lives captured to reminisce about or recall later.  I say "enhanced" because my memory is pretty much on point.  My Auntie Marilyn said memory is a Hooper thing.  I can quote a movie after watching it one time, books I struggle re-reading because I memorize them when I read them the first time, and conversations can be played back in my head like a video and I can recite it verbatim.  My husband LOVES my memory... sarcasm.  

My family of five has a foundation the relies heavily on the five of us alone.  We had to communicate with each other even when we did not want to... we only had each other.  You couldn't hold on to grudges because who else were you going to play with?  If you ignored you sister's who were you going to talk to?  We traveled everywhere in our Chevrolet Astro Mini-Van so drives were long when traveling to Michigan or "Home" where ever that was at the time.  The five of us shared hotel rooms, the van, the house, everything so we had to be willing to let go of the small stuff and move on.  Michigan was probably the toughest move because we were "home."  We had my Grandparents, Uncle, and extended family close.  We had people and were able to establish friendships that could last.  

Michigan did not change our foundation.  If we are mad at each other it doesn't mean we aren't talking.  Before cell phones and after we talk daily.  We are in constant communication with each other.  My sisters were eight years apart but we have been close enough to say the same thing at the same time like twins.  I could do this with both of my sisters.  It is funny to me that we can even do it via messaging selecting send at the same time with the same thing being said.

Foundation of any relationship speaks volumes.  My family's foundation is constructed on the five of us relying on each other for everything and supporting each other no matter where we are.  From Michigan to Florida to Indiana to North Carolina to Missouri to Michigan... even Heaven and Earth.

aMAYSing Thoughts.

Validation

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