Sacraments and Milestones

As stated previously, throughout the years since my sister passed I have had many thoughts.  Some more personal than other but working through these thoughts is something I must deal with in order to move forward.  I must also do this to help my nieces move forward so we are not all living as though it is September 29, 2014 but rather a new year 2022 post conviction, verdict, and sentencing.

I have been aware of God and my faith partly because of the inherited Catholic Guilt that would keep me up nights when I was little.  It was for no apparent reason just this sense of guilt or that I did something wrong.  I don't question my faith because it has honestly always made sense to me.  Many people wish to debate faith and science but even with my love for science I have been able to rationalize things that allows me to believe in both.  I am not here to tell you about Catholicism or Darwin. I am going to share one of my struggles of the past seven years.  Church is a sacred place where you can sit and contemplate events and thoughts to help you deal with them.  Listening to the theme presented at mass and how the priest relates what the bible says to current events alkows you to consider other perspectives.  

My struggles are not with God, the bible, or my religion but rather my sacred place... my church itself.  Those that say change churches dont understand my need to consistancy.  With all the moves at a young age I longed for a place to set roots and be mine.  When moving to Davison in 1993 we became members of the local catholic church.  This was the same church my great-uncle and godparents were members of.  Fast-forward to 2014 it was the place my little sister had first communion, the place I chose to get married, where my little sister got married, where my nieces and nephew were baptized, where I became a godmother, and where we opted to celebrate numerous family functions from open houses, baby showers, bridal showers, and Just Because parties. It is also the place church where I last saw my sister's face before they closed her casket and where I last saw that casket ever again.  

Church is a building but when so many important life changing moments happen in one place it becomes more than the brick and mortar but a connection to your core emotions.  That place is a safe harbor for you to bare your soul.  I have experienced trauma like losing my beloved Grandpa, handling a life threatening diagnosis that alters how I live my life forever, the inability to bare children, handling all those around me having children, and then to lose a sister but be stifled from expressing my emotions and thoughts as to not jeopardize the "on-going" investigation.  Church should be one place I can go to be one with my thoughts.  

It would be that place if it were for a few things.  One is that my older sister's in-laws changed parishes to our church when they moved in early 2000's from Burton, MI to Davison, MI mind you it was a 15 minute difference in.  To further complicate matters their original parish ended up merging into our parish in mid 2010's.  

Why would this be a problem you may ask... well for the past seven years his family and friends have lived as though my sister was the sole person responsible for her death.   Anything to the contrary was my families inability to deal with her death.  My brother-in-law made sure to infiltrate the community to make it appear as though he was an upstanding member of the community being on the board of AYSO and member of the parish's Men's Club.  His mother is an active member helping with youth group as well as traveling with the parish abroad.  Mind you she has stated since sentencing that it doesn't make sense because, "There is no real evidence to say he did it."  Overall, this makes "sanctuary" (if you are me you Invision this word being yelled by Quasimodo in Hunchback of Notre Dame) less secure and makes you feel on edge.

The judge said it best when he said to my brother-in-law, "You not only made your children's mother out to be a drug user you turned her and her whole family into liars when really it is you who is the liar."

Since 2014, I have struggled a lot with going to church.  I have had to research to find event dates so I could witness my niece/goddaughter first reconciliation and first communion.  I sat and had to watch my brother-in-law, the woman who moved in 1 week after my sisters funeral, and his family participate as a family of faith knowing full well he had broken almost all 10 commandments.

The following is an email draft I wrote in 2016.  I was writing with the mindset of speaking to my priest.

Email Draft dated 9/27/2016...

Sunday was my first time entering church since Christy's memorial mass Sept 2015. 

What is church to me... a safe place where I can speak to god and learn more about my faith.

When my sister was wheeled out on a gurney covered in a blanket and I watched her lifted into an ambulance where the lights were never turned on as it pulled away I had many questions that flew through my mind.

Approaching my brother-in-law for the first time,  I had enough respect for you, Father, to apologize for the words I was about to say. When I stated, "How the F*** does this happen?" I continued to respect you by apologizing again for my lack of finding a more appropriate word to use.  You comforted me in that time accepting my apology and granting me forgiveness with your hands clasped and your gentle nod.

I took on the role of Godmother so from that moment on I ensured Hailey attended church classes (PREP). I was reluctant to have his girlfriends daughter attend with my niece the first time. I was instructed to drop the two of them off together. The church allowing her to continue the class has been a struggle for me not only because she is a year older than my niece but the church is just accommodating him for no apparent reason. He is now attempting to have the girlfriends daughter rushed to be baptized in order to receive Reconcilation/ Communion simultaneously with niece.  This is adding even more to my frustration. 

He is only chosing to pick up the girls from PREP Sunday Mornings because he when he gets them from class he proceeds walk into the Parish Hall to receive free donuts never actually attending mass.  I found out recently he has received clothing for the girls after my sister's death.  This is an ethical violation to me, as well. You see my mother and I have always purchased clothes for my niece now nieces as a way of helping my sister financially. The churches donations has allowed his girlfriend to sell the new unused clothes making a profit.  His girlfriend also moved in the weekend after sister's funeral.  

I wanted to protect the churches resources. Since my dad works from home I asked that he call to make an appointment with you. For one, I didn't want the church to waste resources on my brother-in-law that could be used for others in need and two, I had/have a growing hatred for him that I felt speaking to "My Priest" could help me understand. 

The ignoring my request for a meeting and the fact that you said to my dad I will call you this week and the phone call never happened just making me lose faith in MY Church. 

I do not blame God for the death of my sister. Many have asked me why do I think God had this plan... my response is this wasn't God's Plan... God cannot predict the Devils work all he can do is adapt to the situation and lead those affected by the Devils work to a place of acceptance and understanding. Issue...my brother in law preformed the Devils work, he is working to eliminate the memory of my sisters existence for my nieces. I was addressed by his girlfriend last year on the soccer field to explain why I told Hailey it is inappropriate to call her mom and that I had no right to say that to her.  My niece was 4 yrs old lost her mother and her dad's relationship was less that a year.  My response was, I am her godmother and labels in the church are extremely important and sacred. It is important she learn to respect the dead and her mother so until she can understand this situation it is inappropriate to even ask her to call anyone mom. She argued and said basically it didn't matter and I said the Catholic Church honors thy mother and father and there is only one Holy Mary Mother of God so maybe she needs to learn to respect the dead and honor those that gave life to my niece.

I have hatred for my brother-in-law and his actions.   I have disappointment in the actions of My Church. I no longer feel safe there. Instead it is a place that cannot see the devil when he is present and everytime my brother-in-law is there the devil is present.

..... this concluded my email thoughts.

As I read it again I still feel the same about much of it.  Saturday I sat behind my older sister's mother-in-law during her baby girls Reconciliation mass.  I sat two pews away from my priest as he spoke of remembering their baptism as I reflected it was a short time after my niece's baptism my sister was taken from me.  I sat with my eyes welling up.  I instantly broke my eye contact with my priest unable look at him the remainder of the service.  Even though sentencing is over his family is still controlling the girls as courts take their time.  

I wish for the day I can walk in and not feel as though I have to hide my thoughts.  I also wish for a day I didn't have to be confronted with his side of the family in a place I hold dear.

I still love my church and the memories in it I hold dear.  I just am not able to attend without being guarded and aware that my family has been a topic of discussion for years.  I will wait as long as I have to because I know my faith is strong. I also know have done nothing that warrants shame or needs forgiveness.

God sees what you do and how you treat people and that is what matters.

aMAYSing Thoughts.