Validation

Validation is required for almost everything.

We are to validate everything we do from our email access to providing proof name change to update your drivers license. With validation being required for every aspect of life why is it we withhold it from each other.

We as a society do a poor job of validating people around us. We do this and then contemplate whether people knew how we felt about them when they are gone. We even spend much time wonder how others feel about us when they are alive.

The reason this came to mind was because this week I had over 12 inches of unruly chaos cut off and ended up with short hair. My nieces were not told prior to doing it. I picked up from school and the youngest laughed at me (literally laughed). She then apologized and said it was my fault she laughed because I didn't warn her. My older niece stated, "I hate it. Why did you ruin my routine?" I hadn't realized the condition of my hair was part of her routine. My sister did not respond so I am only assume she dislikes it. My mom of course hated my fly-away ponytail so anything is better than that. I feel as though there isn't much change even though I haven't had it this short since I was roughly 8 years old.  

I started thinking about how we seek validation yet if it is negative in nature we take it personally. If we hear positive we either disregard it as being polite or simply and one persons opinion. The issue was I didn't like being laughed at, the feeling I did something to someone, or ignored. I wanted validation but not what I received. Why can't we find a way validate someone without putting so much emphasis on our own feels or emotions?

My niece could have stated she was shocked without laughing. While my older niece could have said she would have to get used to it. Both convey the same message without adding their emotions causing me to have emotional reaction.

I have always questioned my impact on this world. Sounds weird but from a young age I have always wondered if I am remembered positively or negatively. I try my best to cherish every moment as if it is my last this is not because of my sister's murder or my father's sudden death. These questions began when I was around four leaving Florida to move to Indiana. My best friend and our time together are some of my favorite memories. He had an impact on me and I will forever consider him and his family as friends.

Each of us know what others mean to us. We also know how each of us question ourselves in relation to everyone around us. Why is it we withhold this? Why must we feel awkward and never able to ask for validation for others? We are quick to tell each other the error of our ways. Even things that aren't errors but simply preferences we dislike. Why aren't we as open to discuss the positive? While validation can be positive or negative one is definitely more spoken than the other.

I find that my positive remarks are often overlooked or ignored. Dismissed as quickly as the words are spoken. It is the negative that stays with people. The negative that is remembered long after it is said. It stays and circulates within the mind never truly forgotten but lying in wait.  

So many arguments are not based on a situation but rather a habit. Repeated issues never addressed. Words of understanding, acceptance and promises spoken in the moment only to prevent that moment of anger from continuing. The words often aren't taken seriously and habits continue on a different day causing a vicious cycle to be repeated. What would happen if positives were more readily spoken and focused on? Would this change things?

My parents have always told me they are proud of me, when I did a good job, or other positive remarks. They celebrated accomplishments but I really only received this from them. No one else continually validated me.

Validation helps us know where we stand. I tell people good job. I compliment strangers when I notice something. I try to acknowledge the good I see. We get enough judgement, criticism, and overall negativity. Why not consider some positives?

We validate everything but each other. When we do we are negatively focused and not positive. If I am proud of you, I say it. If I think you are aMAYSing, I tell you. If I love you, I say it. If you did a good job, I tell you. Why do I do it? I am one of those people who have heard from my family so much it is difficult to trust. I don't hear it from others so I question myself. I don't want others to question themselves like I do myself do I say it.  

If we were to validate each other more think of the time we would have to think about other things. I watched Love on the Spectrum on Netflix. After one of the dates he prompted his date to review how each felt the date went and then state if they wanted to schedule another date in the future. I considered how many view this show and judge it. I literally was dumbfounded because he figured out he needed those questions answered before parting so he wouldn't have his thoughts spiral on where each of them stood. They validated their date and determined how they would move forward. 

If only society could just be open and honest like that. Be straightforward with intentions rather than wrapped up in confusion and what ifs. Even the negative we might not take so poorly if it discussed with the positive as well. We are smart enough to require validating everything in this digital world but it needs to transition to the personal interactions, as well.

I think if we validated our relationships with each other more readily. Bad marriages may not even happen, the one that got away would never have left, and the what could have been if they had mustered up the courage may have been the one you were waiting for.

Validating could change how you view yourself and others. Consider validating those around you it may just make this chaotic world a little more tolerable. 

Amaysing ThoughtsValidation is required for almost everything.

We are to validate everything we do from our email access to providing proof name change to update your drivers license.  With validation being required for every aspect of life why is it we withhold it from each other.

We as a society do a poor job of validating people around us.  We do this and then contemplate whether people knew how we felt about them when they are gone.  We even spend much time wonder how others feel about us when they are alive.

The reason this came to mind was because this week I had over 12 inches of unruly chaos cut off and ended up with short hair.  My nieces were not told prior to doing it.  I picked up from school and the youngest laughed at me (literally laughed).  She then apologized and said it was my fault she laughed because I didn't warn her.  My older niece stated, "I hate it. Why did you ruin my routine?"  I hadn't realized the condition of my hair was part of her routine.  My sister did not respond so I am only assume she dislikes it.  My mom of course hated my fly-away ponytail so anything is better than that.  I feel as though there isn't much change even though I haven't had it this short since I was roughly 8 years old.  

I started thinking about how we seek validation yet if it is negative in nature we take it personally.  If we hear positive we either disregard it as being polite or simply and one persons opinion. The issue was I didn't like being laughed at, the feeling I did something to someone, or ignored.  I wanted validation but not what I received.  Why can't we find a way validate someone without putting so much emphasis on our own feels or emotions?

My niece could have stated she was shocked without laughing.  While my older niece could have said she would have to get used to it.  Both convey the same message without adding their emotions causing me to have emotional reaction.

I have always questioned my impact on this world.  Sounds weird but from a young age I have always wondered if I am remembered positively or negatively.  I try my best to cherish every moment as if it is my last this is not because of my sister's murder or my father's sudden death.  These questions began when I was around four leaving Florida to move to Indiana.  My best friend and our time together are some of my favorite memories.  He had an impact on me and I will forever consider him and his family as friends.

Each of us know what others mean to us.  We also know how each of us question ourselves in relation to everyone around us.  Why is it we withhold this?  Why must we feel awkward and never able to ask for validation for others?  We are quick to tell each other the error of our ways.  Even things that aren't errors but simply preferences we dislike.  Why aren't we as open to discuss the positive?  While validation can be positive or negative one is definitely more spoken than the other.

I find that my positive remarks are often overlooked or ignored.  Dismissed as quickly as the words are spoken.  It is the negative that stays with people.  The negative that is remembered long after it is said.  It stays and circulates within the mind never truly forgotten but lying in wait.  

So many arguments are not based on a situation but rather a habit.  Repeated issues never addressed.  Words of understanding, acceptance and promises spoken in the moment only to prevent that moment of anger from continuing.  The words often aren't taken seriously and habits continue on a different day causing a vicious cycle to be repeated.  What would happen if positives were more readily spoken and focused on?  Would this change things?

My parents have always told me they are proud of me, when I did a good job, or other positive remarks.  They celebrated accomplishments but I really only received this from them.  No one else continually validated me.

Validation helps us know where we stand.  I tell people good job. I compliment strangers when I notice something.  I try to acknowledge the good I see.  We get enough judgement, criticism, and overall negativity.  Why not consider some positives?

We validate everything but each other.  When we do we are negatively focused and not positive.  If I am proud of you, I say it.  If I think you are aMAYSing, I tell you.  If I love you, I say it.  If you did a good job, I tell you.  Why do I do it?  I am one of those people who have heard from my family so much it is difficult to trust. I don't hear it from others so I question myself.  I don't want others to question themselves like I do myself do I say it.  

If we were to validate each other more think of the time we would have to think about other things.  I watched Love on the Spectrum on Netflix.  After one of the dates he prompted his date to review how each felt the date went and then state if they wanted to schedule another date in the future.  I considered how many view this show and judge it.  I literally was dumbfounded because he figured out he needed those questions answered before parting so he wouldn't have his thoughts spiral on where each of them stood.  They validated their date and determined how they would move forward. 

If only society could just be open and honest like that.  Be straightforward with intentions rather than wrapped up in confusion and what ifs.  Even the negative we might not take so poorly if it discussed with the positive as well.  We are smart enough to require validating everything in this digital world but it needs to transition to the personal interactions, as well.

I think if we validated our relationships with each other more readily.  Bad marriages may not even happen, the one that got away would never have left, and the what could have been if they had mustered up the courage may have been the one you were waiting for.

Validating could change how you view yourself and others.  Consider validating those around you it may just make this chaotic world a little more tolerable. 

Amaysing Thoughts

Dad's home...

I remember the sound of the 1983 Chevrolet Chevette at the top of the hill when we lived in Missouri.  I would confirm I was right simply by looking out my bedroom window and seeing the shape of the headlights.  Dad is home from where ever his business trip had taken him.  He traveled a lot back then.  

When he became the the Director of Presales Training for Siemens his trips were longer and further.  Instead of California it was England, Spain, Germany, Japan, and others.  He actually booked airfare to fly around the world which saved the company on one of his conferences.  He left Detroit flew East to his destination and two weeks later he continued the trip and landed in Detroit from the West.  World traveler, yes, my dad was that quite literally.  

I know I have disassociated this past year defaulting to the thoughts he is just on a long trip.  When he was let go from Siemens post merger by error he found himself seeking employment.  That year he lived weeks in Arizona for a consulting position.  Then he found a job that caused him to live in Boston for a year.  That year was difficult.  My Grammy (his mother) became very ill.  That year I drove my little sister and I to Shady Valley.  This was my first time driving there without a parent.  Once we arrived we met Dad who had driven from Boston.  That year I roadtripped with my Uncle to see Dad for a week in Boston.  He flew home a few times but knowing Dad was living in Boston was tough.  It was unlike the times during relocation that dad traveled ahead of us there was a known ending on the horizon.

Regardless of distance my dad was a phone call away.  He was a wise guy both with intelligence and humor.  His ability to connect with people in a public forum and present in front of any size group was aMAYSing.  Mainly because when it came down to it my dad was content with his iPad download of hos current library book just sitting in a comfy chair.

I always have had people tell me how much they love my parents.  I have always said, "My parents are my people. I don't know what I would do with out them."  Thing is if he is on another business trip he isn't gone.  I know he isn't but when I remember that fact it is a struggle to suppress all the emotions.

My dad was my superhero.  When my tire went flat my dad was at the office but he dropped everything and drove the hour to come fix my flat.  When I needed things around the house fixed he was the one to call.  If I forgot the, "name of that one movie... ya know with the guy from that other show." He had the answer.  

He constantly hummed, whistled, snapped, tapped, clapped, drummed, or sang any tune in his head at the time.  This ranged from Patty Cake to Doc Watson (instrumental banjo) to Bohemian Rhapsody, Garth Brooks, or There a Hole in the Bucket.

Last time I saw my dad I took him to the ER.  We waited he was in pain so he found a spot and stayed there until he had to adjust.  I let him be sitting there waiting.  They determined he would be admitted and mom came in to take over.  I tapped my Dad on his leg as he was faced away from me.  I said, "I will see you later, love you."  He said, "Love you too Bean and waved his hand."  

That week was busy as I was involved in family therapy with the kids and couples therapy.  There was very little down time.  My dad and I texted regarding his communication about doctors plans.  He was restless and just wanted to be home.  I was trying to get game plan for cancer treatment plans for handling the infection.  He was agitated.  The day before he died he was released from the hospital as a late release.  He didn't get home until dark.  My mom video called me and said we made it we got him to his chair.  He has an appointment for antibiotics at 7:00am.

Needless to say my mom found him around 5:00am and he was gone.  I know he would have been the most difficult patient.  My dad had only been "sick" one time prior that I can remember and that was Walking Pneumonia.  He never called in to work sick.  He just had allergies but it didn't prevent him from functioning.  

He would have hated every step of the cancer treatment process.  He would have been so annoyed he would have self sabotaged.  He was just like that.  I know in the end with the minimal pain he was feeling was enough.  He wouldn't have handled more.  He would never have left willingly.  He is devastated he can't be with his grandkids, his girls, and his Sweetie "Babe".  

Without a doubt I know my dad loved us all beyond words.  I was gifted a wind chime from a friend when he passed.  It chimes even when it seems there is no wind.  I talk to it knowing he can hear me.  I say, "Hey Dad."  I think of many responses he may have said like, "Hay is for horses."  The response I miss the most, "Hey Bean." 

I miss his voice, his singing/humming, his long winded explanations (there are 2 things... 1.... and B.) Most of all I miss his Hugs and knowing if I need anything he will be there.  It is easier to think he is flying around the world, eating who knows what and pocketing a beer bottle or glass where ever he is.  This way I don't have to think I will never have a Dad Hug, a Hey Bean, or an I love you, again.

Amaysing Thoughts

Mental Health... the struggle is real.

(Me and "The Girls".  My sister's and I grew up being referred to as my mom or dad's "Girls".  Now these two are referred to as that.)

Mental Health is important yet not everyone is willing to do the work and make changes.  Everyone around me has said I needed to go since my sister's passed.  I didn't for a number of reasons.  I knew I would but couldn't at the time.  Ten years later here I am.

I went to a counselor when I was in high school.  She was the age of my Grandma.  She saw my mom and older sister.  I loved her because she was able to explain my families perspective and taught me how to navigate through the chaos of a bipolar sister and an emotionally neglected mother attempting to not repeat her trauma to her kids.  My biggest issue is I care deeply, completely, and will fight with determination and unwavering loyalty.  This is a risk because if I don't set limits or boundaries I can be taken advantage of and used.

Things I know therapy does.  Teaches you communication skills, how to consider other perspectives, how to maintain your emotions, identify triggers and how to set boundaries just to name a few.

(My eldest niece and my sister's firat born who eas 4 years old at the time of her death.)

(My niece that was four months old at the time of my sister's death - she is now 10)

Parenting kids who have had 5 years of therapy and are as intellectual as their mom can empower them in ways one wouldn't expect.  I will forever be corrected because they are taught communication and if I speak outside of this learned format you can basically ignore everything I say.  The concept of boundaries can mean if cleaning was part of their abusive punishments that trigger their trauma response then asking them to clean up their mess becomes an instant meltdown and so they say they won't clean as setting a boundary.  While this is their take aways from therapy for me to support them I have to understand it.  I have to try for perfect communication while they have to come to terms with the world is not black and white.  They must learn to live in the gray.  The brain grows so fast through the short period of childhood.  Past trauma that wasn't understood becomes clear and requires a process to deal with it.  

They are still learning but living with their manipulation to the things learned to get them through their trauma to a brighter side is exhausting.  Their father raised them with fear, lies, corporal punishment, negotiations, manipulation, and gas lighting.  I am quite the opposite.  I am open door policy, I can help what I don't know, I tell it like it is and do not lie.  

(Our family of 5 the first time we had been together for a meal since we could last remember and the last time we would ever be without ever knowing)

Now there is my own trauma.  My sister was killed, and having to interact with my brother-in-law was terrifying.  Knowing he had asked someone to shoot her but make it look like a random drive by shooting was even more terrifying.  That person was arrested after being pulled over for a traffic violation and arrested for having a firearm while on probation.  Knowing I was home alone at night meant I was fearing every noise outside in the dark.

Then there is the police lack of action, fear for the girls and fear for my parents. It was just 5 years of terror followed by 5 years of trying to get girls in a safe steady place with me as I promised my sister.

My therapist asked me about my sister so I explained what happened and the 10 years that followed.  She said, "Most people would have given up.  What made you keep going?"

My response to this is always the same, "My nieces.  I promised to take care of them.  They have been my focus since the moment I heard about my sister.  I need to make sure they are taken care of.  It is my job because I promised."

My therapist said, "I need you to know, you are rare.  I knew you were very caring but now I see how genuine it is which I have never met someone like you.  You are my hero and you need to know most people would have given up.  Most people wouldn't choose their niece's over everything.  You are rare and you need to remember you need to take care of yourself too."

I politely smiled and nodded.  She said she was serious and knows I do not think of myself but I need too.  She is right.  To think of myself, my brain says I am selfish.  I think of others and hope someone else cares for me as I care for others.  My problem is I haven't found that person and may never so I need to do it self.  

Divorce was me choosing myself and the girls first.  This is controversial especially if you do not know everything that transpired of 17 years.  So much went into my decision but at the end of the day it is the best decision for me.  The heartbreaking part was facing that I spent 17 years fighting myself into thinking it would get better.  It wasn't me over reacting or being the problem that needed fixing for 17 years.  I lost so much time and should have trusted myself years ago.

Trying to sort through a 17 year marriage of trauma, 10 of sister death and fight for murder investigation, having a chronic illness that could be terminal at any moment, losing my dad, single parenting girls, 10 year struggle with infertility, and everything else in the world like COVID.  How do you overcome?

(I am glued to Mr. Rogers because he was my friend and told me he would always be there)

Why am I the way I am?  Why can't I just ignore others and focus on me? Why do I care?  

My answer had me thinking of early childhood development being the foundation of who we are.  My Facebook reminds me of this with suggestions of vintage childhood toys coming back in popularity.  What was my foundation created on... Care Bears, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Sesame Street, Get-A-Long Gang, the morals shown in Brady Bunch reruns, and even the calming quiet time of Bob Ross. 

I absorbed all the lessons and was told if I cared for others they would care for me.  My naive nature never considered others don't think like me and so lessons weren't taken so literally by everyone else.  

I practice what I preach.  To the point where I caught myself saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please" to the fast food drive thru AI ordering system.  Like seriously Katrina, the computer doesn't care about your manners.

Therapy is difficult understanding my trauma, discovering some I didn't even think was trauma, figuring out how to manage myself, the girls, being a daughter, sister, friend, divorced, and alone in a healthy way while triggers are everywhere is difficult.  Allowing years and years of bottled up emotions and grief out while trying to maintain a put together front and keep everything moving is exhausting.  

Feeling the feelings and releasing the emotions is heart shattering, mind numbing, and lonely.  Knowing people can try to understand but never really will is isolating.  Trying to not completely turn away from everyone is difficult.  I know everyone around me has their own issues some related to the events that are my own while others have their own similar trauma.  

I am not fake and don't hide my feelings.  I may be able to distract myself and put on a happy face but it is not long lasting.  I wish for a day that my life isn't controlled by my trauma and triggers.  One where I can see things that remind me of my loved ones without feeling like my wound is never healing and I am due for another bandage change.  I want healing and no more pain.  

(We reposed for my Dad's favorite picture of us for a Mother's day gift.  Dad loved his girls who were distinctly different down to their hair his Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead... his referred to us as his Breck Girls)

Therapy is difficult and those that don't do the work will not understand how difficult.  It is heavy on the mind, heart and soul.  I hope for a day I can not react to a trigger or feel the need to explain my reactions.  

I am stumbling my way through but I will always be who I am.  I care... I care a lot about everyone and everything.  I need to consider myself as part of that which is not being selfish.  I have always lived as considering myself as forgettable.  Therefore, I make it a point to show others they are memorable to me.  They matter, I see them, I care and they aren't insignificant.

Maybe someday someone will show me I matter, I am not insignificant and that someone cares about me.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Amaysing Thoughts