A year of therapy, ending a marriage, and almost a year of parenting alone.
I cannot change anyone else. I cannot make anyone respect me, my decisions, or force anyone to see my perspective. I am a natural caretaker and extremely empathetic. I have no one to refer to in order to push blame away from me. I have high expectations for myself. I cannot expect others to meet my own expectations level. I cannot tolerate the real or perceived feeling I am disappointing others. I cannot expect others to understand, care, or simply have compassion for me.
If I say, "No," it comes with push back and is not excepted without pressure change my mind. I can stand my ground but know the result is conflict, tension, anger, and chaos. If I give in to avoid all of that negativity from external forces then I am the only barer of all the negativity internally because I didn't do what I wanted.
I am easily overstimulated yet multitasking helps keep me focused. I may appear still or as if I am not doing anything but my senses are constantly causing my brain to think in overdrive.
For example, I may be sitting in a quiet room appearing to be doing nothing. In reality my brain is going through my endless internal to do list, feeling my body heat absorb into the couch causing me to feel even hotter considering how to make it so I can cool down, listening to the fan knowing it is already on high so that won't fix the issue, seeing that my niece was told to take her stuff upstairs yet it is still untouched but more has accumulated, and smelling that I need to get up to check dinner because it smells ready. Then someone who sees me as just sitting says something to me which causes me to react due to sensory overload because it is just too much happening for my brain to focus on the sudden external demand for attention.
I have a voice inside my head not the one which has its own personality or requiring a mental disorder diagnosis. My brain activity has dialog inside my head all the time. My to do list, my feelings, analyzing my environment, and is constantly problem solving. My thoughts as I type are spoken in my head and it feels as though I can hear my words and its tone over the actual sound in the room. I have a photographic memory and if asked to recall something I often say, "Let me see," and proceed to close my eyes. I can pull up vivid images in my mind and often help others find things based on my brains "snapshots". I am often asked where something is located on computer screens and can advise others by simply closing my eyes and seeing the screen in my mind and navigating them accordingly.
This ability (not like a super hero if anything I dislike super heros) has its positives but comes with huge negatives. I hold knowledge others demand. I am a resource for others. I am used for my abilities to quickly research, knowledge, and someone who struggles with the guilt of saying, "No."
When you are researching and unable to find something on Google most feel anger, frustration, and annoyance. Imagine Google having its own feelings, thoughts, and emotions. It wants to provide you with what you want but it needs you to do the work to provide the information to get you there. It can do its best in assuming what you want, offer suggestions on what you may be looking for but if you don't provide the information it won't be able to get you there.
Imagine when you cannot access Google how irate you become. Your need isn't met. Now consider I am treated like Google. Difference is when you are mad at Google it doesn't feel it. Your frustration doesn't matter that is your problem. You simply didn't give Google what it needed. Your anger is short lived because you know Google is a tool. Google keeps a history of the issue but it doesn't feel anything. It is ready to provide you with a new search result based on what you give it.
I am a resource but I am a person. I have feelings, and want to provide what you need if only to minimize the external stress of your need causes me. At times Google is given more respect then I am. I am expected to preform and if I do not the same anger, frustration, and negative energy is directed at me. I do feel. I absorb all of that negative energy. I have to process it because it added to my internal to do list. I have to choose to either stand my ground and carry the consequences which causes excess stress of my external and internal environment. I can give in which keeps external environment tolerable but increases my internal stress immensely.
I have been called a martyr due to my choices in handling life's situations. My response was that I don't see my actions as selfless but rather just moving forward. My life feels like a game of Euchre and I am always the dealer. If I chose not to play screw the dealer I will forever be shuffling and no one will ever decide trump to move the game forward. At least I am the dealer and can control the game to not sit idle waiting with not progress. Even if my hand loses at least the game moved forward.
My sister's death forced me to stand still. Everyone else is moving forward and I want to, as well. I am one person. I can only do so many things in a day. I maintain full-time employment, sole provider for girls, family obligations, and an attempt to process the last 10 to 18 years of my life. My brain is full. My checklist is never ending. I wish I had the time to allow my brain to calm external demands to reduce so I could work through everything as it needs to be done.
Patience and understanding can not be expected but only appreciated if offered. Consideration for my past actions and knowing or seeing the current struggle does not mean anyone will act. I can only control myself and my actions.
This is a work in progress. No, is a complete sentence. It does however have consequences. I cannot expect others to understand. I can however wish they would. I can hope for patience and compassion. I can dream for someday finding a way to protect my internal environment while maintaining a positive external environment.
Amaysing Thoughts
