(Me and "The Girls". My sister's and I grew up being referred to as my mom or dad's "Girls". Now these two are referred to as that.)
Mental Health is important yet not everyone is willing to do the work and make changes. Everyone around me has said I needed to go since my sister's passed. I didn't for a number of reasons. I knew I would but couldn't at the time. Ten years later here I am.
I went to a counselor when I was in high school. She was the age of my Grandma. She saw my mom and older sister. I loved her because she was able to explain my families perspective and taught me how to navigate through the chaos of a bipolar sister and an emotionally neglected mother attempting to not repeat her trauma to her kids. My biggest issue is I care deeply, completely, and will fight with determination and unwavering loyalty. This is a risk because if I don't set limits or boundaries I can be taken advantage of and used.
Things I know therapy does. Teaches you communication skills, how to consider other perspectives, how to maintain your emotions, identify triggers and how to set boundaries just to name a few.
(My eldest niece and my sister's firat born who eas 4 years old at the time of her death.)
(My niece that was four months old at the time of my sister's death - she is now 10)Parenting kids who have had 5 years of therapy and are as intellectual as their mom can empower them in ways one wouldn't expect. I will forever be corrected because they are taught communication and if I speak outside of this learned format you can basically ignore everything I say. The concept of boundaries can mean if cleaning was part of their abusive punishments that trigger their trauma response then asking them to clean up their mess becomes an instant meltdown and so they say they won't clean as setting a boundary. While this is their take aways from therapy for me to support them I have to understand it. I have to try for perfect communication while they have to come to terms with the world is not black and white. They must learn to live in the gray. The brain grows so fast through the short period of childhood. Past trauma that wasn't understood becomes clear and requires a process to deal with it.
They are still learning but living with their manipulation to the things learned to get them through their trauma to a brighter side is exhausting. Their father raised them with fear, lies, corporal punishment, negotiations, manipulation, and gas lighting. I am quite the opposite. I am open door policy, I can help what I don't know, I tell it like it is and do not lie.
(Our family of 5 the first time we had been together for a meal since we could last remember and the last time we would ever be without ever knowing)
Now there is my own trauma. My sister was killed, and having to interact with my brother-in-law was terrifying. Knowing he had asked someone to shoot her but make it look like a random drive by shooting was even more terrifying. That person was arrested after being pulled over for a traffic violation and arrested for having a firearm while on probation. Knowing I was home alone at night meant I was fearing every noise outside in the dark.
Then there is the police lack of action, fear for the girls and fear for my parents. It was just 5 years of terror followed by 5 years of trying to get girls in a safe steady place with me as I promised my sister.
My therapist asked me about my sister so I explained what happened and the 10 years that followed. She said, "Most people would have given up. What made you keep going?"
My response to this is always the same, "My nieces. I promised to take care of them. They have been my focus since the moment I heard about my sister. I need to make sure they are taken care of. It is my job because I promised."
My therapist said, "I need you to know, you are rare. I knew you were very caring but now I see how genuine it is which I have never met someone like you. You are my hero and you need to know most people would have given up. Most people wouldn't choose their niece's over everything. You are rare and you need to remember you need to take care of yourself too."
I politely smiled and nodded. She said she was serious and knows I do not think of myself but I need too. She is right. To think of myself, my brain says I am selfish. I think of others and hope someone else cares for me as I care for others. My problem is I haven't found that person and may never so I need to do it self.
Divorce was me choosing myself and the girls first. This is controversial especially if you do not know everything that transpired of 17 years. So much went into my decision but at the end of the day it is the best decision for me. The heartbreaking part was facing that I spent 17 years fighting myself into thinking it would get better. It wasn't me over reacting or being the problem that needed fixing for 17 years. I lost so much time and should have trusted myself years ago.
Trying to sort through a 17 year marriage of trauma, 10 of sister death and fight for murder investigation, having a chronic illness that could be terminal at any moment, losing my dad, single parenting girls, 10 year struggle with infertility, and everything else in the world like COVID. How do you overcome?
(I am glued to Mr. Rogers because he was my friend and told me he would always be there)Why am I the way I am? Why can't I just ignore others and focus on me? Why do I care?
My answer had me thinking of early childhood development being the foundation of who we are. My Facebook reminds me of this with suggestions of vintage childhood toys coming back in popularity. What was my foundation created on... Care Bears, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Sesame Street, Get-A-Long Gang, the morals shown in Brady Bunch reruns, and even the calming quiet time of Bob Ross.
I absorbed all the lessons and was told if I cared for others they would care for me. My naive nature never considered others don't think like me and so lessons weren't taken so literally by everyone else.
I practice what I preach. To the point where I caught myself saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please" to the fast food drive thru AI ordering system. Like seriously Katrina, the computer doesn't care about your manners.
Therapy is difficult understanding my trauma, discovering some I didn't even think was trauma, figuring out how to manage myself, the girls, being a daughter, sister, friend, divorced, and alone in a healthy way while triggers are everywhere is difficult. Allowing years and years of bottled up emotions and grief out while trying to maintain a put together front and keep everything moving is exhausting.
Feeling the feelings and releasing the emotions is heart shattering, mind numbing, and lonely. Knowing people can try to understand but never really will is isolating. Trying to not completely turn away from everyone is difficult. I know everyone around me has their own issues some related to the events that are my own while others have their own similar trauma.
I am not fake and don't hide my feelings. I may be able to distract myself and put on a happy face but it is not long lasting. I wish for a day that my life isn't controlled by my trauma and triggers. One where I can see things that remind me of my loved ones without feeling like my wound is never healing and I am due for another bandage change. I want healing and no more pain.
Therapy is difficult and those that don't do the work will not understand how difficult. It is heavy on the mind, heart and soul. I hope for a day I can not react to a trigger or feel the need to explain my reactions.
I am stumbling my way through but I will always be who I am. I care... I care a lot about everyone and everything. I need to consider myself as part of that which is not being selfish. I have always lived as considering myself as forgettable. Therefore, I make it a point to show others they are memorable to me. They matter, I see them, I care and they aren't insignificant.
Maybe someday someone will show me I matter, I am not insignificant and that someone cares about me. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Amaysing Thoughts
