Over the years my birthday has been spent at Thompson Family Christmas Party (my older sister's father's side), in the van traveling to Michigan for the holidays, my family's annual Christmas Party open house, one year was at Disney World Magic Kingdom meeting Cinderella, and as a normal day.
My first tough birthday was 25. I was emotional all day. Realizing I had not accomplished anything I had dreamed I would have when I reached 25. My dream was to be a nurse, married and pregnant by 22. At 25, I was a newlywed two months into my marriage. New Years Eve that year I would have my liver biopsy diagnosed with liver cirrhosis.
Next milestone was 30. This was 2012, I had spent the year losing 100 lbs. That year I was "late" the month of November. I was trying not to get my hopes up after years of medical appointments resulting in, "Get pregnant, and then we will deal with it but we won't be able to help you get pregnant because you would be high risk." Doctors from local hospital, high risk specialist and even U of M Ann Arbor gave me the same line. Days before my birthday it happened. The one and only time in my life I believe I was possibly pregnant and knew I no longer was. Thirty was not my year.
Then two years later at 32 was the realization that my birthday meant I was older and yet my big sister was forever 36. It was very hard to deal with. It was even worse when I turned 36 because I was as old as she ever was. My gastric sleeve surgery was scheduled the same number of days my sister lived. If I woke up from surgery then I had outlived my big sister. To wake up was a relief and heartbreaking. It meant I was literally living without an example. I was on my own no longer able to remember what she did because she didn't live as long as I was.
Each birthday sense seems to be a reminder of things I haven't accomplished or no longer will be able to. I have always made goals and worked hard to achieve them but when outside forces cause me to struggle it makes for many birthdays wishes being unfulfilled.
This year my birthday marks the last day I am married. I have spent the last 19 years in a relationship and as of December 23rd I will be labeled as divorced. I made decisions and chose to marry. I can honestly say I did the best I could given the circumstances. I worked as hard as I possibly could to maintain our standard of living. I had obstacles that tested me and sometimes I failed. I chose to end the cycle of unresolved issues that resulted in endless arguing. I chose myself and my mental health over my marriage. I chose to not allow my beliefs and commitment to my religion shame me into staying in a marriage that was not healthy for me.
This is the first birthday without a Happy Birthday Bean. My dad isn't here. He knew and told me to do what I needed to do regarding my marriage. I know he would support me in my decision 100% because we discussed it when I took him to the ER when he was diagnosed. I can imagine the arm squeeze and the "Proud of you, Bean." One thing is my parents are my biggest Cheerleaders. Supporting me no matter what.
I am one who struggles with change. I love routine, plans, and if you say you are going to something you do it. When I reflect on my goals I find myself often feeling disappointed.
This coming year will be one of challenges, changes, and a lot of struggle. I will need to give myself grace, accept what I can't control, and understanding. I only want those who support me around me. I need to be the example, guardian, and support for the girls. But I also need to remember I deserve support and need to ask for help because I cannot do everything for everyone.
I accept my decision to care for the girls may include me being alone forever more. I accept this because the girls deserve having a parent that loves them unconditionally and who can support them throughout their whole life. I will acknowledge there is also that part of me who is a hopeless romantic who dreams of the man who knows me better than I know myself. Someone who would accept my flaws and love me regardless. Someone who accepts my past trauma. I do not need a man to take care of me as I can take care of myself. I want a man to share a life with but if that is not in the plan I will accept it.
I made my choices. I will live with them and my focus will be on moving forward. This year I will work toward regaining control of my house and daily routine. What happens will happen, I will work through obstacles and just continue to move forward.
"One foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking cross the floor." - Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Amaysing Thoughts
(I am officially a Mays again forever more... bittersweet)
