When you wake up and your life is forever changed without warning it is shock to the system. Your body handles shock differently and but it doesn’t necessarily learn to handle it well even in similar circumstances.
The
morning I was told Christy did not wake up lives in my mind as if it were yesterday. No answers just here yesterday and gone today. A piece of your foundation crumbled into nothing
but you still have your mom, Dad, and little sister to hold you up. You can learn to steady yourself on that foundation. Given the circumstances the why cause years of
trauma for us all. We struggled as many may
not continue the fight as long as we did.
Our adjusted foundations grew stronger but we were still missing a piece.
Saturday
my foundation lost another support. Equally
as sudden and just as painful. Half of who
I am, and how I think is because of my Dad.
He was my Super Hero the person who would rescue me anytime and anywhere.
Not
only was this shock abrupt it opens a huge unhealed wound. A loss and absence that has not full healed right.
The loss of my grandparents were like a straight incision cut with a sharp scapula
that is able to be sutured clean to heal with a minimal scar. Christy and my Dad
are jagged wounds that have a higher likelihood to infect and while the sutures
may hold the scar is deep and large.
I am not minimizing the losses of my grandparents but they were ill for some time. I could see the writing on the wall. My Dad's you could say was similar but my issue is I had concerns that medical staff minimized. I was reviewing the results of the tests in real time forming my own opinions. I was being told to look elsewhere and my dad was discharged with stable condition and a follow up appointment 13 hours from release to not live to the appointment. This feels so similar to finding out cause of death for Christy was Heroine Toxicity. It is something I feel bad for not being more vocal even though I was vocal. I feel loss and I will never get a list hug or to hear, “I love you Bean.”
This struggle is real. My parents spent their retirement on Christy's civil case for her murder as well as Guardianship of her girls. My Dad had no life insurance due to his life long struggle with weight and his employee's plan denying him for his BMI. Decisions were made that have left my mom unsecure and it is another reason the wound cannot heal. Now my Dad isn't here with his income and the struggle is real and very scary.
But with that I will leave you with my words I spoke at the service yesterday.
James Ray Mays had many names... Jim... James.... Jimmy Ray... Uncle... Uncle Bubb... Kathy's Husband... Christy Trina or Tricia's dad, Dad itself but even that didn't give him as much joy as Grampy but even better was Princess Grampy!
My Dad was an introvert, a bookworm and someone who thrived on learning new things. He married the definition of an Extrovert, the talker to anyone, anywhere and anytime. This caused him to exit his quiet little bubble to be the charismatic, quick witted, and all around likable guy everyone knew.
He loved supporting the outspoken women in his life. He was the ultimate Girls Dad teaching us we can do anything boys can do. I was the 6 year old who was beyond excited to win my race even if all I did was beat the boys.
He was the Dad that when he wasn't on a business trip showed up. Swim meets... he was there.... Tricia's marching band performance you will find him in the stands at every game… Hailey, Tristan and Tyler have a Soccer Game he is on the sideline cheering them on... Kaliann has girl scouts, he became the Troops Grampy... William has a basketball game Grampy is right there cheering on Bubb while giving Olivia a squeeze and a moochie any chance he could get.
He loved reading especially Stephen King and watching Sci fi movies. I am the biggest wimp but I would stay up to watch the Giant Mosquitos attack New York because it was time I spent with my dad.
He was sneaky though because it was all a ploy to make me think outside the box. The movies and books made him question things. It made him think about science, and the future unknown... They were thought-generating things that allowed him to transition his career from putting actual pencil to paper drawing machine parts and transition to Computer Aided Design where he continued to grow, learn and explore. He used his Mott Community College education to ultimately become the Global Director of Pre-Sales and later a trainer at General Motors. I spent my whole life having people ask me... What does your dad do? Living in 5 states in 10 years many assumed he was military or something similar. With a blank stare I would respond he goes to an office and takes lots of business trips. Having no idea how to explain exactly what my dad actually did.
My Dad understood things on a Global level working remote in the 1990s which let's be real no one knew what that even meant. His co-workers lived all over the world. I remember one time he had to facilitate a presentation at work so he had to wake up at 3am. From his speakers all I heard was Mandarin. I asked my dad, “When did you learn mandarin?” and he responded, “I didn’t, but you kinda can figure out when they need to move slides”... I still don’t comprehend how he managed that. Or knowing my dad knew high school Spanish and only enough German from his best friend Tomas’ son David’s lesson to say hello or goodbye. On business trips he would point to items on the menu and just eat what they brought him. His phrase “just wing it” yup he was winging it alright to new heights every day.
My Dad was a trailblazer. He taught his girls to fight stereotypes and he truly led us by example. My Dad was the Son of a second generation carpenter as well as an army veteran. My Dad was a first generation born yankee, a college graduate, whose tools were a mouse and hard drive that were used to create manufacturing software infrastructure. While his comfort zone was to hold back and wait to see what happens he also wanted to be in the front lines to make sure everything went as planned. He trained the salesman, he spent 30 years teaching the end user and in the end was helping to plan ahead for the training that would be necessary for future success.
He understood Globally but always appreciated where he came from. Mott Community College was a passion of his. I asked my dad if he would still teach at Mott after he retired from his “day job.” He looked at me with determination and said, “Bean of course, I will teach at Mott until I die or however long they let me whichever comes first.” I informed Mott of dad’s passing because he was actively teaching this term so again, my genius dad was right. My Dad and I are the only Mott Bears in our family. He was proud of that. He took his degree and appreciated where it took him.
He always told me to ... remember where I had been .. and figure out where I was right now... For him it often meant that he was finding himself in what appeared to be a ghetto of whatever city he was in during a time before GPS could tell him to make a U Turn. Once I knew where I was I needed to make a list of what I wanted no matter how big or small I needed to put it all down cause I could “tweak” that list later...
I needed to take that wish list and prioritize it, make the necessary adjustments but figure out what is "doable" now… But I should never erase items on that list because what is NOT Doable Now may be Doable Later…
He used his Jedi powers to teach me how to be a project manager... to prioritize and work for a better tomorrow but never forget where I came from...
So My Dad was the Son of William Ray and Billie Jean of Shady Valley Tennessee and became Husband of Kathy, Dad of his girls “Christopher Kyle and Patrick” and Grampy to Hailey Kaliann William Olivia as well as his little dudes Tristan and Tyler. He is now a voice of reason in my head and a guardian angel to protect us all.
My Dad was bigger than the Globe he loved
to travel. I know he was forever saddened when Christy passed. He is
finally able to give a squeeze and a moochie to his beloved daughter whom he
dedicated so much time and energy to protect her legacy and her girls because
he was just that kind of guy... you know the one... yeah that guy... my
Dad
aMAYSing Thoughts
