Example... my nephew and niece were debating on two stuffies at Disney. The two of them were torn between the same two characters. Patches from 101 Dalmations and Stitch. They were struggling so hard to decide. Both wanted each for a different reason and when it came down to it because I didn't want confusion I said well you can't pick the same one. So as we walk the store they both still can't decide while my youngest niece was picking Minnie Mouse no question about it. My nephew said ok I'll take Stitch since you love Cruella. Fast forward 48 hours over tired 5 yr old and 9 year old cold hungry and waiting for airport shuttle... my nephew gets mad and says she made me choose Stitch even though she knew how bad I wanted Patches she let me get Stitch knowing it wasn't what I really wanted. My niece clashes back with fine take him them and then is sobbing uncontrollable because she didn't want to give Patches up.
They were both right at the end of the day my niece wanted Patches and didn't force my nephew to pick Stitch. On the other side my nephew knew he wanted Patches more but knew he didn't want to argue and that my niece would ultimately talk him out of the one she wanted more.
My nephew felt silently manipulated in the store while my niece felt he settle just to hold it against her later. They are both right at the end of the day.
You truth while different from someone else's can still be 100% accurate.
My truth and my thoughts were silenced for years out of fear and the ultimate goal of justice. That being said I changed my former self would say everything I am thinking in the exact moment I am thinking it, wearing my emotions on my sleeve, and having no filter to taking longer. My current self struggles to communicate thoughts because I have to think it through before I utter a single syllable, analyze everything in the moment good bad and ugly, and embrace my introverted wall flower side and make that the my identity rather than open friendly person.
I chose to blog after court to regain my voice. I chose blog because it is public but yet unless you know it is here the likelihood of stumbling on it is minimal. I need public forum to help with processing my grief and trauma because for 7 of the last 9 years I was forced to be silent. The consequences of vocalizing for 7 years was the difference between justice and cold case, life or death, relationship with niece's, and my sister's integrity intact or ruined.
My blog was used as evidence against me during Guardianship Court. This caused me to question if I should continue or not. My issue is this is therapeutic for me to feel like I can speak my mind and allows a a forum to do so. My niece's are not the only ones who have trauma regarding my sister's death. I guarantee the last 9 years have resulted in PTSD, increased my Anxiety, and Depression. Working on moving forward is difficult. I don't like change I miss my example, my biggest cheerleader, and first best friend. The person I measured life and my actions by because she was always there. My silence was difficult and learned controlled mechanism to protect everything closest to me. To have my words manipulated to be used against me is hard.
Thoughts of will this ever be over or do I just have to be silent forevermore. Why is it those that are responsible for the trauma are allowed to maintain their control even when the truth is known. Law doesn't protect those who are victimized it is written in such away to be vague in order to cover the majority of the population in a series of situations. When you are in a situation that requires law it is hard to handle the vague and the "process" or lack there of.
You situation is personal and has details but law doesn't care about details. My situation has involved family court, civil case, district and circuit criminal case, and Probate court. It is all about one side vs the other and making a decision. Trial is when you gather material. My Guardship was side of case focused on why my husband and I were the only right answer to who should raise the girls. The otherwise focused on my fight for justice, willingness to allow their father to communicate with them, and manipulate my own words to show I am unfit.
Not only was my blog brought up but my inability to have children. Apparently my inability to have children is why I want to take my sister's children and I have always wanted to be their Mom. These words hurt. These words and argument are 100% false. If anything my inability to have children makes me question if God is telling me I am unfit to be a Mom not an argument telling me to take someone else's. My response was, "I would rather have my sister alive and here than erase my sister and be their Mom. I am Auntie Trina and will forever be Auntie Trina that will never change."
Low blows do not make an argument solid. Envoking pain is not required to have an argument. My argument was focused on my abilities and why I was right. My attorney was focused on cross examine to clarify testimony spoken with emphasis on best interest of girls. I was cross examined for 2.5 hours and I apologize for not having dirty laundry. I am frustrated that I have to justify my inner most uncontrollable struggle.
When I played house as a child I was very specific on my hopes for the future and my ideal picture. I have memories of my self expectations as young as 5 years old. I wanted 2 sets of twins because I wanted 2 boys and 2 girls but I wanted the boys older than the girls so they could protect them. When I was older it dawned on my that it would be only 2 pregnancies but have 4. Being middle of 3 I know how one is always left out. With four and having twins they would be born with their instant best friend. I didn't date. Well to be honest I dated 1 guy Junior year and I ended it after 2 dates because I did not see a future. My first relationship was at age 24 that resulted in marriage. I did not buy the small house for 2 but a four bedroom anticipating children. I struggled for 10 years with my inability to have children and it is still not something I have accepted but I do understand. I did everything with a plan of children. My own children I feel the failure every day when I look at my husband or think of this family because it is not him but me that is the problem.
How is this pain and struggle evidence that I am unfit? I cannot erase my sister and would never want to but the other side already has in their minds. They believe we are stuck and unwilling to accept death. I know my sister is in a better place and free of her internal struggles but I know she did not go because it was God's plan but God guided her to where she needed to be based on the decisions another made who was not acting on God's plan.
My blog has been silent because others cannot handle my truth. It is my truth back up your truth with evidence and then let us make an informed decision. Until the your focus on invoking pain and trauma while I focus on moving forward and working through pain and trauma is the reason I am succeeding.
I miss you Christina Ann and missed my midnight message wishing me Happy Birthday so you could be the first.
