Insomnia is something I never thought I would comprehend. I love sleep and always have. If I am cranky give me a 20 minute power nap and I am good to go. Insomnia started while I was spending countless hours researching everything and anything involving my sister's case. When police asked questions and I didn't have the answer I took that question and dissected it. (Yes, I love medical/biology science so I say dissect. My little sister, the mechanical engineer, would say disassemble)
Dissecting each part of the question making sure I understood and then the real research would occur which was search for the answer. The search would cause me to wake up thinking of something and having to immediately research to find if it was relevant to the case or not.
This would happen anywhere, anytime, but mostly in the earliest hours of the day resulting in me going to work on zero sleep. Sometimes frustrated by my lack of finding a connection to the case or even finding so much new information I just wanted my work day to end so I could get back to my research.
Late night, mid-day, early morning, or any other times in between I could be found zoned into wherever the search criteria brought me too. Educating myself on anyone or anything that may or may not be relevant.
Unfortunately, for me this has not gotten better since the verdict. My brain has not gotten to rest it has just changed focus from main priority being my sister's murder to my sister's girls being able to be raised as my sister wished.
Michigan juvinenile law states reasons for involuntarily revoking parental rights. One of the reasons specifically states that one parent killing another parent is considered the worst form of child abuse and is a reason to involuntarily revoke parenting rights. To me this is black and white no gray area to be seen.
The county we reside in has created gray area starting that if the children are in Guardianship they are considered "safe" therefore there is no reason to revoke parental rights involuntarily.
You read that correctly... since the girls are in a Guardianship that is joint with maternal and paternal grandmothers there is no reason to revoke my brother-in-law's rights to his children even though he was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison on each of the three charges related to her death, as well as, he signed for the civil case accepting responsibility for her death prior to ever being criminally charged.
This is how my brain functions with this information... my nieces on their eighteen birthday become legal adults and any Guardianship ends on this day. So if anything happened to them resulting in needing a next of kin their father serving life sentence for killing their mother would be the one to contact as next of kin.
Obviously, my brain also knows that their is documentation such as medical power of attorney and other powers that can be drafted to ensure he is not the contact. This isn't right me but rather the gray area created by the county is ultimately not protecting the girls long term just while they are classified as minors. Not everyone thinks like me and considers all scenarios good, bad, and ugly. My older niece if she continues as she has will begin college at the age of 17. She will be a freshman in her first semester when we will have to arrange to have documentation signed so that she never has to worry about her father being the decision maker if she lives or dies. To me this is asking her to continue to be abused by him allowing him to control the situation and causing her to have PTSD triggers when it is completely avoidable.
Why is it okay for the system to continue fail us and for me to continue to figure out ways to protect those I love.
My husband and I have filed for full guardianship of the girls. We have a trial date and I am having to find an attorney to represent me because my brother-in-law and his chosen guardian for the girls (his mother) are not agreeing to our petition.
I have to defend myself as to why we are the best people for the girls. This makes my head swim with thoughts of my oldest niece that if momma wasn't there and she were hurt I am the first person she looked for. I have been that person for my best friends kids, my nieces, and my nephew. I am babysitter aka Auntie Trina who has her own set of rules and the kids know to follow them. There are consequences as well as rewards. I love them all unconditionally and literally would sacrifice my own life if it meant they would get to live long lives.
I feel as though the other side is saying I want to take my brother-in-law's kids because I cannot have kids of my own. I know it hasn't been said but when you are the childless one it is the easiest argument and yet also the most hurtful. I know I will never be a mom. I have spent years struggling with that fact. Every birth/pregnancy annoumcement is a reminder of my body being the reason for my husband, my in-law's, and my family's inability to have my child in their lives.
I am Auntie Trina or just Trina depending on the kid. I will never be mom, mommy or momma. Mother's Day will never be my day I understand that. (And I get I have my puppy KC and I am referred to ad KC's mom but I really am not a Dog Mom kind of person... I love her but she has a mom who is a Lab and that is not me I am a human).
I am not trying to take my nieces and make them call me mom and pretend it is ok. I love my big sister way to much and if you know me you know I would never do that. I made a promise to raise the girls how my sister would have wanted. I told her, "You know I will, don't even worry about it." Well, nine years later and I am having to figure out how to justify why I filed the petition.
How is it he can call in on Zoom to the hearing from prison because he has his paternal rights and I have to be the one to justify why I was raise my sister's daughters.
So in July, I will be on Trial in probate court having to justify myself... and this is ok? No this is abusing me as a victim of my sister's murder and allowing my brother-in-law to continue to terrorize, manipulate, and abuse me, my nieces, and my family.
It also is the reason for continued insomnia and my brains inability to rest.
Amaysing Thoughts
