Sleep did not come easily which means I was up early and groggy. Once my anxious stomach became such I could not ignore it I got up. Dressed in the chosen "work" clothes as it was black pants, black sweater and with a sleeveless blouse underneath. Did I care, not really, I didn't feel confident, or anything. I was numb except for the anxious feeling that I would have to fake it until I could make it since I would be in my church saying goodbye to my sister. Mentally telling myself everything is fine while having everything go horribly wrong is second nature to me.
I was talking myself down of the paralyzing anxiety ledge. Knowing I wanted to just lay in bed and pretend the whole week just hadn't happened. I wish it were all a dream... waking up anytime to find that this was not reality would have been such a relief. I had to prepare not only for another viewing but mass. My church and mass experience has been a roller coaster.
We started going when I was younger and I did the normal teen rebellion of not wanting to go and I had allowed that to continue until I got married. When I got married and had spent so much time going from doctor to doctor being turned away when asking for help with infertility that I did what I thought would help. I turned to church. I went every Sunday praying for the small chance I could miraculously conceive without medical intervention. I went to church every Sunday asking the same prayers. Seeking guidance as to why I was dealt this hand and feeling so guilty that it was my fault my in-laws would not experience being Grandparents. My husband would not be a dad and my sisters would not be an Auntie to the children I dreamed of forever. After ten years of doctors, self fertility monitoring, and 3 years of church I figured I had to let the dream go. I could not afford to put my energy into something that obviously was not going to happen. That is when I quit attending church every week. It was too much pressure.
Now I was going to be attending church and having to say goodbye but also enter that place that had so many highs and lows associated to it. My highs being my wedding and my niece's baptism. My lows being every month not being pregnant trying to stay positive and fighting through self doubt of god not wanting me to be a mommy. Wondering what a life was worth if it didn't have miniature me and my husband around. Infertility without an outcome of children is not discussed. Usually infertility is brought forward only when a child is finally conceived or adopted. Self analysis happens anywhere but church was my space to reflect and ask why. No answers given but knowing it was my body to blame caused years of low self value that even church did not help me see through.
How do you walk into this place and see your sister in a casket and never have that be the image in your head everytime? I can picture the funerals of my Grandpa, my Grandad, my Grammy, my Great Grandparents and my Mamaw. I would prefer these events happen at a place I can mentally attach those events. I had a difficult time going to church with my Grammy remembering the events around Mamaws funeral. How will I deal with having my sister's funeral be in a place I was bound to be in. Younger sister would be getting married in June, I was a Godmother my niece and my sister would want her to grow up as a member of our church.
All of this spiraling thoughts of what ifs, how's, and anxiety were just exhausting my brain. I was tired, not wanting the days event to occur and wanted to just hide in my bed and pretend this wasn't reality.
Dread overcame me as we pulled into the church parking lot. I didn't want to enter. I walked in and just saw a sea of people. There was a viewing in the vestibule prior to the service so everyone was gathered. I could see she was against the wall with people gathering in line to pay final respect. I wanted to mentally run. Final respect... no this isn't happening it can't be final she was just texting me a week ago. We just were at Zach Brown Band singing Chicken Fried two weeks ago. This isn't happening.
Then behind me the door opens and my husband said my nieces name. I said she is being dropped off at mom's. He said, "Honey, she is right there." Anger was all I felt I turned around to my brother-in-law walking in with what appeared as an entourage. His son and his daughter from his first marriage, himself, and others. That is when I saw my niece. A four year old at her mother's funeral. It is hard enough keeping a four year old settled during a mass but a mass with your mom in a casket in front of the alter absolutely not!
I walked up to my brother-in-law who was leaned over speaking to niece. He repeated himself to her multiple times, "This will be the last time you will ever see your mom's face." My niece sniffling with each time it was said as I realized he was shoving tissues in her pockets, "For later if you need them." I waited for him to stand straight and asked why she wasn't at my mom's because my in-laws were expecting to watch her. He said, "I thought it would be nice for her to participate in the funeral. She is going to follow you when you bring the communion gifts to the alter and place a rose on her mom's casket."
My brain was saying so many things and I stood for a moment and he walk away to bring her to the casket. I followed gathering my words as she touched my sister's arm, "Mumma is so cold." I looked at him and said she is not staying. She is too young for this and it will be hard enough that her mom is gone she doesn't need the memory of participating in the funeral."
He said, "Well she is here and I thought it would be nice."
I said, "I am taking her to my mom's."
He replied, "Who will put the rose on the casket."
Walking away I said, "I will."
As I got to my niece who had run over to my parents I said I am taking her. My dad being concerned with time said the service starts in 10 minutes. I said well I will be back as soon as I can was given keys and my niece started fussing. Realizing she was leaving but knowing her dad told her she had a part in the service. She didn't want to miss her part. For a kid who has participated in mass her whole life she loved all the kid involved mass events. In her head this was a fun church event not having any idea she would be the only kid and the adults in her life may all be emotional. I did not want to taint her image of church.
I opted for the quickest way out. I picked her up and walk right out the door. I did not put her down until we were at the car. A woman asked if I wanted her to watch her during the service. I was on a mission and just kept on going. I later was told she was my niece's church class teacher. It didn't matter to me though. At that point I needed my nieces safe while my family did the hardest thing ever. This was to respect my sister's husband in this public setting rather than following my instinct to demand answers from him.
I walked in with my niece at my parents my best friend and in-laws were there I was so grateful. I made sure my niece was okay because she was worried her dad would be upset. I reiterated if he was to tell him to talk to Auntie Trina because it was my decision not hers.
I high tailed it back to church and it was just in time. We were instructed to take our seats. We all made our way knowing family was to sit in front. My sister and I sat next to each other and then realized the mass was beginning. It was then we realized our husbands were behind us, our parents were on the next pew over and it was just... us.
My sister leaned over tear filled eyes and said, "There is only two of us." Tears filling in my eyes I was so unprepared for this. The mass was a blur. My sister and I were part of the individuals to bring the gifts to the alter prior to communion. I carried an item and the rose. Roses are significant to me. They are my favorite flower. My bedroom was pink rose buds, my baby blankie had a pink rose bud pattern, and my all time favorite roses are sterling roses. Now I am walking down the same aisle I walked with my wedding bouquet. This time it was a single red rose to lie on top on of my big sister's casket. I was shaking, holding back my emotions only allowing the tears to flow and uncontrollable gasps to breathe.
As mass concluded, I followed the casket out of church, the vestibule, and into the fresh air. Then I felt it coming. I hear my moms cries as her casket was being loaded into a hearse. I wanted to hide I don't do this in public. I do this in private. I do this into my pillow. Oh no... here it comes... I can't breathe. OH NO lungs spasming. Tears flowing and full on panic attack including hyperventilating. Next I know someone is rubbing my back, someone is in front of me. I cannot open my eyes I am frozen I can't breathe, I can't speak, and I can't do anything but I do randomly here my mom's cries.
Then like a switch my breathing became deeper, my tears were less, I could open my eyes, and had those occasional quick lung spasms after a significant all out tearful cry. I stand up thank those around me. Then knew I had to make my way across the street to the memorial gathering in the Family Center.
Then I turn around and there was a former theater coworker. He was there as if he were waiting for me to calm down. My sister worked with him at the drive-in but before that I worked with him when I first hired in. He always intimidated me. He was stern no nonsense and I was just annoying kid to him. I knew he had a brother that he cared about just as much as I cared about my sister. I looked at him and his sad eyes that I could tell meant he had no words but knew I was in pain. He hugged me and it was one of those moments I will never forget. It was not expected but was what I needed. It made me realize my sister made an impact. Even though he would never know it meant so much. He knew me from age 16 until 31 he saw me change and grow. He was a friend to my sister and he showed me compassion and care from a place I never expected to receive it from. I think that is why it stuck with me.
It was exactly what I needed at that exact moment.
I headed across the street embarrassed about exposing my emotions in that uncontrolled way in front of people. Also since I had no sense of time I had no idea how long the attack lasted. I needed to get myself under control to face everyone in a non-structured environment for the memorial luncheon rather than the controlled environments of funeral homes and church.
My mind needed to calm and clear. Deep even breaths, head to restroom to clean up face and then face the room.
To Be Continued....
Side Note - My first funeral was my Mamaw... I loved my Great Grandma and she was aMAYSing. Spunky, caring, no nonsense and funny. We drove to Shady Valley, TN for the funeral and I was in 7th grade. I was not emotional throughout the viewing or service. It was at the cemetary when I realized we were leaving her there and she would be there forever that my tears started. They didn't stop and I realized I would never see her face or hear her voice again. When I was in the van waiting for the adults so we could leave my tears did not stop. My cousin looked at me and said, "Why are you crying? You didn't even live here." I have always thought about this comment. I was in 7th grade and she was in 8th yet she didn't comprehend love is not based on a place or frequency.
I never know my impact on others because I am always the one leaving. I am a blip in their memory. While everyone I get to know that has made an impact has stayed with me forever. When they are gone they are never really gone they live in my memories and heart forever. I can play my memories like movies in my head so they are the stars of the big screen in my brain as a featured role to live on forever.
Amaysing Thoughts
