I love December and the Holidays and wish I could just take that time and stretch it out all year. Everything for me condensed down such a short period of time I feel as though it is suffocating at times. This makes years that are Milestones that much harder. Maybe if I didn't have such anxiety of holidays and high expectations for myself to cherish every moment it wouldn't be so bad.
The year I turned 25 was horrible. I literally cried the whole day. I was so emotional because I wasn't where I had dreamed I would be at that point in my life. I am so goal oriented and focused that when things doing work out I am beyond hard on myself. I hate the word "disappointed" so when I feel that way towards myself it is hard to get over.
When I turned 30, it was not as eventful but I was now five years into not having children and that allow made it hard to face myself in the mirror on a daily basis. I have even had people now tell me that if I wanted kids I could have but I didn't take advantage of the opportunities like my best friend willing to carry a child for me. I think yeah when you look back you can judge all you want but if you were me at the moment you would have felt the hope I had that I would become pregnant regardless of medical intervention since in reality no doctor was willing to intervene.
My next "milestone" was 36. Yes, 36. This is the year my mom has said was the best year. She remembered my Grandpa being 36 and she said it would be a good year. Unfortunately, my sister would not live beyond 36 and this fact made being this age extremely difficult. Out living my big sister is just something I could not comprehend.
Now I 40... I did tell my niece that technically according to the Mayan calendar we must be in an altered universe because the world ended 12/21/2012 which just so happened to be the last day of my 29th year. This means according to the Mayans I never lived to be 30.
If I never turned 30 then what happened to my sister didn't happen and I would have to figure out how to navigate life without her example.
Being a Middle means you have the pressure of setting the good example but also get to watch someone else go through trial and error before you. Doing this alone is hard. It is one thing that I always took care of my big sister but I also learned so much from her. She was the risk taker I am definitely not. I am competitive so I would tackle things with the mindset of "anything she can do I can do better"
I have been emotionally down for weeks. I got tears in my eyes thinking of turning 40 and told my niece I didn't want to. She wisely informed me that I have to for those who are here to do it themselves. Well how am I supposed to argue with that.
I am just having a hard time in general. I really have not thought of myself a priority because everyone else is a priority. I went to the dentist today was felt like I was scolded because I hadn't been there and now I needed a root canal. Mind you I in pain and was trying to wait for new insurance which goes into effect January 1st. I kept saying I understood but part of my brain was saying. Look I missed my cleaning because of work and then my sister died a week later. Self-care has not been a priority. I tried getting back in only to be wait listed. Then insurance coverage changed. I am not a priority for myself.
My priority is everyone else. If this is what it is to be 40 then alright. I will forever wish big sister was hear showing me the way. I will forever be saddened that she is not here. I will attempt but no promises to try and take care of myself. I can't say I will do with without error. All I can say is i"ll try.
I will also say I don't want to be 40, I haven't completed my goals, I miss my sister, and I just wish birthdays didn't remind me of failed hopes and dreams.
