Friday, October 3, 2014 - Part 1

The day of the viewing I was a bottle of nerves.  I remember all the emotions as Allen Funeral home is the last place I have seen many loved ones but most specifically my Grandpa Hooper.  I really hadn't spent a full day at that funeral home since then and it was all I could think of.  

My Grandpa Hooper was everything.  I was his Beaner and he drove me to swim practice and golf practice.  Drove me back to his house for dinner of stew, meatloaf, round steak, and of course the occasional surprise porketta.  Breakfast for dinner of my favorite cheese omelet on the planet that to this day has never been recreated. The thought of spending a day having flashbacks of Christy and Grandpa Hooper did not seem like something I wanted to do.  Let alone having them while maintaining composure that my brother-in-law was the reason I was there and my sister was on display.

I had nerves the whole day family viewing was set first then it would be open to the public.  I had already spent the evening messaging our closest friends and family because of the obituary.  Now anyone who knows my sister and her story would have assumed in lieu of flowers donations would have been either designated a specific account for her girls or a foundation such as St. Judes.  Since my sister's dad "Budd" died at age 20 of leukemia St. Jude's makes sense.  I worked at a local credit union and could have set up an account specific to receive funds for benefit of the girls, as well.  Neither option was identified on the obituary instead it stated, "In lieu of flowers memorial contributions may be made to the family payable to..."  If you guessed it listed my brother-in-law's name you would be correct.  We had many family not only from my sister's father's side but, our mother's, our dad's, and friends all not wanting to make their check payable to him.  So I was fielding phone calls and messages to advise to make payable to us and I would ensure it would go into an account for the girls.

I was anxious about who I would see, how to control my emotions, and most of all how I was going to handle my 4 year old niece's arrival.  We had arranged that adult would go first then my niece would be brought up.  She would not be there long and would leave during the break between private family and open to the public viewing.  She would be taken back to my parent's house where the baby was being watched between my best friend and my in-laws.  I was told not to worry but my niece is beyond her years and her intelligence is what I feared.  

Waiting in this little room at the funeral home anticipating seeing her face which is what I had been a consistent thought through my head since the moment I found out my sister died was nerve racking. I was fidgety and just being there with my sister's in-laws and her husband was making me feel ill.  I felt the giggles coming on and that too brought up memories only my big sister would understand.  

My family's second home was our Chevrolet Astro Minivan.  My mom drove them from roughly 1986/7ish until about 2007ish.  She purchased the last year it was made and the Van was actually what my sister was driving around prior to her death.  We drove everywhere growing up.  The five of us with our luggage in our designated seats.  I sat behind Dad who was the driver, my little sister was behind my mom the navigator, and my big sister alone with the whole back bench seat to herself.  When we would get restless on long road trips I would tend to get the giggles.  My big sister whispered to me, "think of dead people." She wanted me to think of something not funny or happy but either sad or scary so that I could curb my giggling and reduce our punishment.  

I sat there reminiscing in order to curb my inappropriate nervous giggles think that I wish this was all a dream.  I knew my sister and her brother-in-law were friends they had worked together when she worked for Little Caesars her as manager him as a driver.  I find similarities in siblings and it helps me to identify with them and understand them.  I felt that when we stood up for our siblings at their wedding we were somewhat similar.  We were both the middle child, he was not that much older than me, we were the first of our siblings to go to college and complete courses, both of our older siblings could be difficult and we were the responsible ones.  I wanted to see if I could feel out what he was thinking about his brother.  I wanted to know why they went to the police the morning my parents went and what they knew.  I also knew I couldn't divulge we knew they had went.  

All this ran through my head waiting to be escorted into a room where my sister would be wearing the outfit I bought her and she would be lifeless laying in a casket.  Funerals are fine I can mind over matter and ignore the casket.  Looking in it though is whole different level and leaving the casket for good that is next level but for a later blog. 

We were told we could enter and that is when I realized we were not in the "normal" room I had been in for all my other funerals.  Grandpa Hooper and most recently his brother, Uncle Tom, had both been in the big room at the end of the hall.  This room was the first room and I must say it was oddly shaped.  This caused me to be completely discombobulated when trying to figure out where stuff was.  Since my anxiety was at all time high, I was getting flustered just trying to find the bathroom let alone the lounge area where food would later.  To reduce my anxiety I literally mentally shut down my bladder and only traveled to two areas. The room my sister was in and the lobby out to the vestibule heading outside.  I knew this was irrational but I was afraid of who I would see, what I would say, and how I would react so I limited my accessibility.  

I looked around the room hearing muffled sobs from my immediate family.  I walked up to the casket and peered in.  Well they were blonde, wearing the outfit I chose, hands one on top the other below her diaphragm, but it was so surreal to see because this wasn't my sister.  I mean yes it WAS her body but it was lifeless.  Her eyes closed and mouth appeared sealed shut like I had never seen her look before.  I looked for evidence of why I needed to see her face as my brain kept telling me but the makeup made nothing appear.  This was my sister but NOT my sister all at the same time.  She shouldn't be in this casket or laying there.  Yes, as she would have wanted, she was barefoot but this was all wrong none of this was right.  My Grandma Keirns was dressed for bed with an afghan to keep her warm.  My Grandpa Hooper was in his brother's suit because my Grandma insisted but we all knew he should be in KMart blue jeans and his Tool Time Binford Tools t-shirt that he only wore for "special occassions."  My sister should not be in this casket on display and she is going to stand up at any moment and tell me "Gotcha."  Well that didn't happen but it didn't change the fact that I wanted to go right up to my brother-in-law and say point blank, "What did you do!"

Someone called my name knocking me back to reality saying my niece was on her way.  I walked to my second approved location the vestibule where my sister's brother-in-law opted to join me.  It was just the two of us this was my chance to ask questions... crap I didn't prepare for this moment to actually occur.  How do I say something without spilling the beans? 

Maybe that is why my nickname is Beaner shortened to Bean... because I suck at lying so I always Spill the Beans.

I only had a few minutes our niece would be here and any moment and I would be 100% focused on her.  I didn't want her to be traumatized by this moment.  What do I say... Hey so where were you Wednesday morning? Anything interesting going on at the police station?

I needed to take a deep breath and calm this anxiety before I opened my mouth.  Seriously, this is my opportunity calm down stay focused and stop panicking.  I am wasting time so I guess I should say something now...

To be continued...

Amaysing Thoughts 

Reunion... Class of 2001

I never felt part of the group at school.  I was always busy.  I had my sports (swimming and golf), classes and of course work.  I was in all honors classes but wasn't smart enough to be acknowledged for it. To the point I earned an Academic Letter which I found on my chair at practice for graduation.  I had to go to the office to ask what I earned it for.  I was told I was honored at honors night but my grades (B-C aka Average) were not high enough to be invited to Honors night.  I had been in Science Olympiad all four years and was a state qualifier for my competition Road Scholars so they gave me an Academic letter for my achievement.  Such an achievement not to be allowed to receive it in public forum.

I tried my hardest and most often fell short on the social relationships.  Kids now I don't think could handle the amount of bullying I went through.  An overweight swimmer gives all lot of ammunition to a bully.

When we moved here it wasnt just I was the new girl.  No life isnt that simple I was the new kid that the elementary school for my neighborhood had no room available in my grade so I had to be enrolled at another elementary.  This meant I hot on the bus with all the kids and when we got to their school I had to exit the bus to get on a shuttle bus to go to my school.  The school I attended was a lot smaller and they had more kids who were walkers rather than road the bus.  I road a bus by myself back and forth between the elementary schools.  This also meant I didn't know anyone in my neighborhood and had difficulty because the friends I did make I didn't live near.

Middle school all the elementary schools combined but then again we were decided into teams so my friends in my teams did not live in my neighborhood.  Those I road the bus with I did get to know.  This is where in 7th grade when I could participate in sports I was excited.  I have always been competitive and loved sports.  I tried out for cheerleading and even though I was only one with toe touch and cartwheel I was cut.  I was told I didnt have the "look".  I tried out for basketball but I needed an inhaler for sports induced asthma so I was cut.  I tried volleyball but found out about running and opted out not thinking I could handle another rejection.  This is when they announced first year swim team tryout for the combined team of our schools biggest rival and us.  They had a pool and not enough kids for a team and we had kids and no pool so it was a match made in heaven.  Being a competitive swimmer since age six with county first place metals and junior olympic trials under my belt I knew I could make the team.  

There were four of us girls who swam together from 7th grade through senior year.  I love those girls forever and always.  I was at the pool all the time practice, open swim, in high school I volunteered to help middle school swim team, and senior into college years I was assistant swim vouch of middle school team.  

Senior year I was in Peer Mediation and again I didnt make the cut to be a mediator instead I became the secretary. One of the fellow students was giving himself kudos because he stood up for another student who was being harassed in the hall.  I will never forget him saying he called her a "Fat Bitch" and I instantly was reacting.  It was brought up yo the teacher that the topic was making me visibly upset via notes passed to her.  She asked me my thoughts and I just said... why does it have to be "Fat Bitch"... what does Wright have to do with it?  Why can't it just be Bitch? Mind you I am the same girl who got on the bus everyday in 7th grade when they would chant "Shamu" and make Whale noises because they found out I was a swimmer.

My Senior year there was an issue and we weren't going to have Senior Wills because they announced their wasn't enough time.  I spoke to my mom and then told the class president that so we could maintain the tradition my family was willing to type up all the Wills.  I will never forget the look I recieved and was told thanks but no thanks.  They opted to have our Wills designed by us and Xerox copies made.  There was one guy who listed every female in the senior class as his High School Crush... guess whose was not listed... Katrina Mays. 

When I went to my counselor to discuss college plans my dream was to apply to Notre Dame to frame the rejection letter.  I wanted to apply to Lake Superior State University and enroll in their nursing program.  I told her that financially I felt guilty for doing that so I just wanted an application to Mott.  She told me that that was a better option for me anyway because of my GPA.  She had no idea my dad taught there so my choice was based on finances.  So I learned it doesn't pay to be average in more challenging courses than it does to be mentally bored and get good grades.

Mott Community College with my dad teaching there had a huge advantage a free Nursing Degree was my goal.  When I chose to stay home and attend college I didn't consider that I always left people moving five times in ten years and I wasn't prepared for my emotions after graduation.  Everyone left me this time and I was alone. When people came home I was never thought of to call.  Mind you I have had the same exact cellphone number since I was 16 years old and my parents have the same home number.  I have also had the same email address which is still active.

At Mott I continued to fall short academically as I have horrible test anxiety.  I did not pass nursing by 1.8% to continue the program.  I had the opportunity after a year of jumping through hoops I did not pass the second time by 1.1%.  I had a decision jump through another year of hoops or change majors.  My instructor told me that no matter who well I did in the labs and clinical the test is all that counted.  If I couldn't take the test and pass then I need to consider my other options.  "Is there a way to move up the ladder at the theater maybe look into that." Was her words of encouragement when she told me I only I one more attempt before I would be kicked out of program.

High School and school in general are times when you are opening your mind to learn.  You learn to socialize in addition to subjects.  Not feeling like you are part of a community is hard.  When my sister died and we had the visitation and funeral I felt maybe my perception was all wrong.  There was a fleeting moment when I felt like Alumni and had been apart of the community.  My sister asked me where I wanted to raise kids and I told her our alma mater.  She opted to move to the school district when my niece was preschool age.

As time progressed and knowing the Chief of Police's wife graduated with my sister.  There were more connections that one would think could provide benefit but really it just highlighted being on the outside.  Outside looking in is hard.  No having a community is hard.  

Today they celebrated my 21st yr High School reunion.  I couldn't gather the strength attend.  Sitting in a room with those I felt kept me at an arms length.  Let alone going downtown the weekend of the fall festival where even more people from the community would be.  It is just to much to handle sometimes.

School years are hard and mold us into the adults we become.  I kept my head down and focused on my goals.  You never know how your actions impact others.  There is an entire community I feel that no matter how hard I tried I was just never good enough.  

Amaysing Thoughts