I know Christy was not the only victim of the crime. My nieces, parents, little sister, our whole family, our friends and just so many people have been affected by his actions. I know this and my thoughts are jumbled. I cannot seem to seperate the actions that resulted in Christy's death and the impact they had on me from the actions not taken by authorities and how that impacted me.
It seems as though Christy's death the start of a fire that with the authorities lack of action spread the blaze into an emotional wildfire. I have not mourned my sister. I think of her everyday and when with her girls I think of her every second. I have not processed her death as I have been mentally living everyday as it was on or around September 29, 2014. I replay the events surrounding the day Christy died to keep information fresh in my head so I didn't forget a single detail. I did this incase I needed to testify or recall something when asked. I wrote the events of the last time I saw Christy as well as the events of the day Christy died. This has been information I have read and reread countless times to keep my memory fresh.
In addition to my obsessive compulsion to recollect the events surrounding her death I have overall anxiety, panic and worry. I get hyper focused on research and investigating Christy's death. I have researched at all hours tracking acquaintances, contacts, and events that could in anyway be related to her death.
Authorities asked throughout the 7 years if I knew where he got the drugs. I have speculation but have known I need to justify my reasoning for authorities I have hyper focused on research.
Friends post how they love True Crimes pod casts but I have been living it for 7 years. I remember a kid in middle school who spoke of gangs while he flashed hand gestures and worn the appropriate colors etc. I hadn't heard of gangs in the area since I worked at Showcase Cinemas when in high school. Being the naive person I am... I commented how odd it was that 7 o'clock set everyone was wearing red bandanas and now at the 9 o'clock set everyone waiting in the lobby to go into the sold out auditorium had on a different color bandana from earlier. At 16 that is the night I experience to a riot resulting in pepper spray with evacuation of the lobby. Then as years went on 20 plus to be exact I was realizing the drug connections are still rooted in gangs. If you thought those days were gone sorry but they are still here in our community and as violent, scary, and dangerous as ever. I was making connections between gang members and people associated with my brother-in-law. If that doesn't make you take the solicitation of murder count seriously add that to his comment of "maybe Christy can catch a stray bullet." Yes, these are the connections I have been filling my nights with researching throughout the night that also causes me to fear going to sleep at all.
Why was I doing this? If I wasn't doing it who was? The authorities were not. I cannot seem to seperate the trauma of lack of authorities actions from the fact my brother-in-law killed my sister... my Christina Ann... my Big Sister who has always been in my life and who I have used to plan how I would live my life. Even as I type that sentence I can feel the disassociation from the words to my emotions.
How do you put together a statement of impact when it hasn't impacted yet? When I think of him I think of his last text message to me.
If you know me then you know the word "disappointed" is a trigger and hits me like a ton of bricks. I have never liked the word and I have always done my best to avoid hearing it at all cost. Trust is something earned. It is always easier to lose it than it is to gain it. He of course hit me with both in this message.
Mind you this was just after my little sister was discharged with her first born. I having no children... this was a BIG deal. He wanted me to provide my little sister's address instead of allowing me to take my nieces. He had been made aware of the Civil Case at this point and was angry. "I disappointed him" and "He can't trust me."
This was 2017, three years after Christy's death. I had been hiding criminal investigation, fighting with authorities for action, and overall feelings about him to his face for 3 years. He had just lost trust... I had altered who I was to protect the case for Christy and her girls to protect them. In those 3 years I became mute when he was around, my attention to detail became hyper focused, I was on high alter all the time and yet he was living life.
He knows what he did and yet he can say he is disappointed in me. What about when I stood as her maid of honor and he spoke his vows to her? What about when I became Hailey's godmother and we all spoke of guiding her through her sacraments and the church? He has broken all 10 commandments!
How does one figure out the impact when you have known this person more than half their life? Then add to it they took someone so close, so loved, and the hurt has... well, it has no words. There is no way to articulate the pain especially when it is guarded behind years of fighting and protecting everything related to it.
I don't know how to distinguish between the trauma, PTSD, anxiety, rational and irrational thoughts to articulate how his actions have impacted me personally. My words won't impact him. He would have to care for that to happen.
I still have no idea what my statement of impact will say... I may not even submit one at all. Simply because his impact on me is so great and yet my impact on him is so insignificant.
aMAYSing Thoughts.
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